I think the issue here largely comes from a fundamental disagreement on what feminism is. I've had this discussion with several women who say exactly as you do, and I have no disagreement. Most women, even most feminists aren't the kind of crazy people you'll see on TikTok or whatever, but the crazy people are a very active and influential part of the general movement and should be openly criticized. I believe the crazy people are attached to feminism because the feminist theories in general are not correct or well formed. But the general social attitude is to dismiss such criticism as sexist outright since initially most all criticism is coming from the right as they dig up the crazy.

This isn't an issue unique to feminism it's prominent in most movements of any kind. LGBT being a prime example now where the initial idea such as decriminalizing their sexual behavior and allowing them civil rights such as joint tax filing and hospital visitation rights via marriage is not in and of itself a bad idea. But the basis for which the movement rotates around is a very vague concept of equality and love is love which eventually the fringes will utilize to justify things like legalizing sexual activity with minors or allowing for the capitalistic medical sector to profit off of life altering cosmetic surgeries in children. The initial goals of the movement when formed were not in and of themselves bad, but the core underlying philosophy which the movement was founded on was and the development towards its modern form was an inevitability because of it.

Feminism is not much different, if we define feminism as merely "women should be able to vote" "women should be able to own property" "women should not be barred from public life" "women have a right to be safe" "women have a right to make their own choices regarding sexual activity" "non consensual sex is a crime" etc. Are all very reasonable and I think correct statements. If this is what we say feminism is then you'll find me and the vast majority of others in the world agree and are then feminists. But the feminist movement in general is based not on merely these statements but on a very vague and nebulous idea of equality and empowerment which is not well defined and is used by the fringes to continually push the social boundaries and allow a vehicle by which clearly unhinged and hateful individuals can enact their own agendas. This is the problem I have with feminist movement in general. I think it's an ultimately unjustifiable movement in the long run and I think all the infighting and purity spiraling you see is a symptom of that. At the end of the day it's pretty stupid to say that men are better than women or women are better than men, but it's also stupid to say that men and women are equal in all aspects as clearly men and women are different. If we clarify this as legal equality, I tend to agree that men and women should be viewed equally under the eyes of the law. But if we erase the distinctions between men and women completely in society as some on the fringe wish or elevate women at the expense of men to get back at them or otherwise, then we have what I see is ostensibly the feminist movement today and I think it needs to be properly criticized.

Perhaps the best way to explain this is I see identifying as a feminist as similar to identifying as a men's rights activist. It's true there are some legitamate issues that men deal with, for example disparity in sentencing and custody rulings. But this isn't entirely unfair as some of these disparities are justified. And most of those who identify as men's rights activists are the kind of fringe women haters (or at least that's the general narrative and they are quite visible) that I see no benefit in identifying as a "men's rights activist" since you are lumping yourself in with the crazies.