I've been with a liar for 15 years

submitted by Greykittymomma from (self.Relationships)

He claims he only had sex with someone else once very early in our relationship for context.

However, this man is addicted to porn.

Not just porn, that doesn't bother me so much but here are a few of the things I've gone through:

A several ears ago I caught him "looking" at Tinder. Claimed it was nothing but curiosity and deleted it.

We had a child two years ago.

He started a NSFW Reddit account. Showed his junk to people. Talked to people. Had a kik (secret message app) and jerked off while talking to random people (in our area) had a want ad looking for local couples on Reddit.

I catfished him and he claims he knew most of the time but told me elaborate stories about sex with couples and that we had an "open marriage."

We talked when it was officially revealed that I was the catfish (it only lasted several days). I needed confirmation that he was talking using this kik app (to me that is cheating anyhow) it just went way further than I expected.

We seemed ok and really tried spicing up the bedroom for the last month or so until yesterday...

I found out he kept even more from me (figured he was still hiding some stuff) but this was an Onlyfans account. He claimed he used it once when I confronted him but was defensive. I looked and he had it way longer and conveniently forgot that when we talked the first time.

I am so sick of this shit. He was telling me I was enough but he was paying for other pics and I can see the dates some of this was the day after we had "great sex". I just don't get why he can't tell the truth. I told him pursuing real girls rather than just porn crossed the line for me.

When I first confronted him he denied it. Then it was he didn't remember, it was only once, some were free.

Like I said the porn doesn't matter to me but following these accounts and having it in your face 24/7 is an issue when it interferes with your daily life. This lowlife would be chatting or using services like this right around our anniversary or soon after sex.

How can I stay at this point?

I do love him. I am so mad that I have bent over backwards to accommodate the sex life he deserves but he can at least be honest with me.

He did admit he fantasized about some pretty out there stuff and I am game to try a lot but I am not an idiot. If he starts wanting to have a threesome I am out. I am not sharing what I don't get enough of as it is. I won't be a stepping stone. If he can't be honest we aren't making it to sweet 16 😓

Mostly needed to vent but advice is welcome.

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[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

Most people watch porn nowadays obviously, but when it gets in the way of your real life partnership, it's a problem. He needs to be mature enough to realize that. People like to throw out therapy like it's a cure all, which it isn't, but you need to do something to wake him up.

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah people who are porn stars don't bug me as much as talking to real women, paying cam girls or looking at friends' photos. I don't think I am asking too much!

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

You most certainly are not.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 5 fun4 insightful - 4 fun5 insightful - 5 fun -  (1 child)

I am so mad that I have bent over backwards to accommodate the sex life he deserves

😮

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 3 insightful - 5 fun3 insightful - 4 fun4 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

Word choice was questionable but still fairly accurate 😅

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (3 children)

The worst thing to me is the lack of honesty. My wife generally likes the women I talk to, and doesn't really care what I do online. But I don't hide it from her, and it's understood I can't buy them slave collars or fuck em.

It sounds like there's a whole side to your husband he hid from you, it would be possible to compromise on acceptable behavior, except you apparently can't believe a goddamned thing he says. So ... I don't know. Sorry GreyKittyMama.

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

That is exactly it. I am ok with having boundaries and he can have fantasies but I need him not to lie about things it makes trust impossible!

[–]knotsy 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

there is no future for your relationship with him. he is a full blown sex addict. if he is sharing pics of his "junk" on reddit, it probably isnt with females..

you should be concerned about him bringing home STD's to you, for real.

you had a child with the wrong man.

contact an attorney and leave him.

edward.

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you I am looking into my options.

[–]soundsituation 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

It's easy for a person on the internet to tell you to end the relationship, and that is my first instinct, but 15 years + a kid is significant. If you decide that you're still invested in this, I recommend sex addiction treatment for him and couples therapy for you both. As to the latter, get someone who uses either the Gottman method or EFT (emotionally focused therapy). Both have a 70% success rate, by far the highest of any modality.

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks that is very helpful!

[–]Entropick 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

The internet has DESTROYED sexuality. My hearts with you.