I just realized that in last few months I dropped this thing where I was annoyed whenever normies talked. You know, bullshit shit talks during coffee break to everyone gathered, like trips, some bullshit chitchat, just plain small talk about anything but always about the same topics in the same moment.

This shit used to infuriate me because it was always involving hanging out with friends, relationships, knowing someone or talking behind someone's back or just going on trips, holidays etc. I was annoyed because all of those are things that I never experienced and I felt that I cannot commit to the talk, as if I was always some weird one and somehow I had to say something.

But nowadays, when I am forced to communicate with others more than ever due to work, I finally see that this annoyment is being gradually removed and I am just wondering now:

How did I underdevelop?

I am losing my ability to be annoyed or bothered, because I constantly feel that I understand less and less. How do people even get to know each other? How do they know everyone? How do they all follow the same patterns, the same stuff, the same trends? How do they live they life with others, how do they just meet new people or experience new things?

I just cannot understand what they talk to me at this point. I am seeing people who are speaking about marriage, choosing presents for their partner, moving out to a better flat or doing other things which could be considered normal, but not by me. I cannot even pretend to understand and respond to those questions, so there is no hiding anymore, I am nowadays forced to admit that I know shit and because I am 24 now, people do not treat it as a joke, but they are frightened.

They see me as potential danger, because whenever they say something along the lines "Just move to the flat with someone else" I can't even think about 1 person through my entire life with whom it could be possible. Whenever people say why do I not go to holidays with my friends, there is no other answer than "I have no friends." Whenever people ask me why I don't take days off work, I can't think of anything else than "I have nothing to do with my spare time."

As the days pass by, I am more and more frightened by family invites for certain meetings, such as weddings, because whether I want it or not - I am forced to decline. Hie could I go there, when I will be alone and forced to deal with hundreds of questions why did I come alone, why didn't I bring some friend if I don't have a girlfriend or when will I have one.

I can't answer anything else than that I am just a loser and that there is nothing I can do about it. There is no amount of compensation that I can bring with things I do in my work, such as experience or money.

When you are lonely and considered as weird as a teenager, it is painful as hell, but you are considered a freak, ugly and it can only harm you that way. The more adult I get, I see that it's not funny for others anymore, but I am just serious problem for them. They do not want me in their places, because they consider me weird. They don't accept my existence because they don't believe such pathetic life is bearable and possible.

Others developed, made serious milestones in their life, experienced things, whereas I am the same me as I was when I was 15. Nothing has changed except the fact that I grind work instead of school. I am not surprised that oldcels usually rope - the amount of pressure is not bearable, you just can't do anything, because every single thing is required atleast some experience and majority of things is already not for you, because you are old.

I can't even think how my life will work in 5 years - I didn't plan to live past 25 but I know that I am too pussy to end that. If now I am considered serious freak, in 5 years people will literally throw rocks at me and I can do nothing to prevent it.