I mean I see where you’re coming from. But I don’t really agree, because I know I am lesbian. ~Storytime~

I’ve never felt anything real for a man past puberty. I prefer female vocalists to male vocalists. My attention always goes to the woman in movies with a romantic subplot. I have fallen in love exclusively with women. I have innumerable crushes and attractions all on women. When I sleep with my girlfriend i feel like I could spend eternity there.

Growing up I always ran away from men who were interested in me, even though I accepted dates to the prom and such from them. I would flirt but then avoid them, even if they were objectively attractive. When I think about having sex with men it’s because I want the woman to be jealous and to see that I can do it too (because I am jealous or insecure or whatever). I always get jealous of women’s boyfriends, I’ve never felt jealous of a woman. I consciously picked Ewan MeGregor as my celebrity crush in high school because I felt I needed one too. Meanwhile I am reading a 500 page autobiography on Louise Brooks who is so dreamy, and my favorite movie was Fucking Åmål. But I was straight! I was sure I was straight I was just practical and shy. Once a girl I had seen and thought was cute in cinema club.. came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. I was repulsed and I thought about her vagina like “ew no vaginas are gross, that wasn’t a real attraction, I’m straight” and I told her sorry I was straight. I was weird enough, I was bad at fashion and no girl would ever like me. I always felt spicy and drawn to the pretty smart graceful fun straight girls, who almost always it seemed, had attractive boyfriends. Their boyfriends made me uncomfortable because I knew that I was attracted to them because I was straight. My stomach would tense up because I was attracted to them, and my heart rate would raise. I knew I was gonna start dating at some point but for some reason I just didn’t want to. But also I did want to and I wanted them to like me. Just when they did I wasn’t ready because I was so awkward.

I would imagine faceless male bodies with dicks in my fantasies, or bdsm with faceless males. When I tried to imagine women I couldn’t even picture what to do with them and I was grossed out by vaginas.

Fast forward and I had fallen in love for the first time with a woman, but she was my teacher so it couldn’t happen. Afterwards I was so broken hearted and alone for a bit, but then this hot girl who was way out of my league and mostly straight drunk kissed me because she heard I was bisexual. That was my first real kiss and it was like fireworks. She stopped it after a second and was like “hmm guess I’m not into her after all”. I spent the next year “friends” with her, watching her fuck a bunch of men, hoping dreaming someday we could be together. But in the moment once I left the bathroom at the party I went to a side room with a couch. In there was this handsome boy who had an interest in me, and I wanted someone because I was the only one in my new cool international friend group (of conventionally attractive awesome women) who didn’t have a guy I was seeing or fucking. In fact I had never had sex and I was 19. So I picked this man and he was sweet. We kissed for a while and it was fine. It was like a lone mini firework in an empty warehouse. His lips were dry which I noticed, but I was drunk so I was grateful to have the company and to be cool.

I proceeded to “date” him for half a year. He was a sweet guy. I liked him. We would get together and make out and cuddle and feel each other up, which was sort of nice I guess, but it got old and I’d kind of sit there going through the motions thinking about his chapped lips. Sometimes I really didn’t like his smell. I kept telling him we weren’t in a relationship and he’d be like “wHyYyyyy?” “Why do girls play hard to get?”. In my mind I was like oh I am not playing lol. I would 100% have had sex with him if he wasn’t waiting for marriage. I wanted to have sex with him, so I could not be a virgin and I could catch up with my friends so that Alicia would think I’m cool enough to date her. We all went to clubs and I danced with men and kissed men. One night we were all out and Alicia was dancing with this guy she was fucking, and I was with this other guy who was kind of a creepy asshole but conventionally attractive. We kissed and he teased me and I was just annoyed. Like “what are you teasing me for, I don’t care. Just kiss me”. He asked me in an annoying way to come to his hotel with him, and I was like “no” and I left to go to the bathroom. Then I left the club and walked away starting to cry. One of my friends came out and I said “I think I’m lesbian” she was like “oh, it’s ok you don’t have to be with men”. After that night I went back to thinking I was bisexual, because I must be wrong, of course I could be attracted to men. I was really mostly straight, I just focused on women because it was easier and safer. I was probably not as into men as I was women, because of trauma.