Being a lesbian in this social climate makes me feel so alone.

submitted by sickofit from (self.Lesbians)

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[–]Skipdip 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Yeah well I’m not the expert. I had disassociative sex with women primarily (with a man once) before getting the help that I needed for my attachment trauma.

But I do think you’re being a little harsh/black and white. My sister who is straight had a girlfriend for two years and managed to have some sort of sex (my impression is that she was a pillow princess). She wasn’t “attracted” perse to the body of her girlfriend, but she loved her as a person and as her best friend. Maybe you would say my sister is bi... but she doesn’t even call herself bi. She is firm that she needs the D. The sex she and her gf were having was not “disembodied disassociative” sex. Not in the purest sense anyway.

Also how do u think so many late bloomers put up with it with husbands for many years.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I don’t think a lot of late bloomers who have had husbands for 10 years ARE lesbians. I can’t say for sure, because I am not them, which is true about ANYONE.

I’m not even touching that story about your sister. Omg. I would not say she was bi, tho.

And trauma complicates everything.

If you think I am being harsh or black and white, that’s fine.

[–]Skipdip 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I don’t know, I just think it is harmful to put arbitrary gates up on what kinds of experiences lesbian women can have. Lesbians have enough struggle, we already have the highest coming out age of any LGB. Late bloomer lesbians definitely exist.

The purpose of good gatekeeping should be to filter out people who are not actual lesbians, not to force actual lesbians to conform to certain expectations. I feel like you’re approaching it with a fear mentality because you don’t want non-lesbians slipping through and appropriating our label. I totally get that. But I feel like there are many dimensions of some lesbian experiences that you don’t seem to really understand or relate to. That doesn’t make them not dimensions of the lesbian experience. At the end of the day, there is nothing to be afraid of, lesbians exist as we always have and always will. Even if we fuck 10,000 men.

And don’t you hate on my sister!

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

We just have different opinions on what a lesbian is, it’s fine. My opinion and your opinion don’t actually keep anyone from coming out. I’ve just been around a long time and known hundreds of lesbians, my generation sounds like it’s pretty different than yours. Whatever. There is a pretty standard trajectory for most lesbians (Apart from asexual lesbians) who come out, in my own experience of the community over time, there will be some outliers, but not as many as say they are lesbians while not actually being lesbians. It honestly seems like there are a lot more women who are truly not lesbians that are calling themselves such, and most are on tumblr.

Whether or not we disagree on the topic won’t change the amount of legit lesbians in the world. If someone is so unsure of themselves that they let some women gatekeeping decide their orientation they wouldn’t make it as a dyke anyway. It’s a moot point.

Also you’re the one who brought up your sister. I didn’t hate on her, I’m not touching on that whole thing.

I see you share things and then get upset with people when they don’t respond exactly the way you want. This has happened over and over on this sub in conversations where you discuss experiences that are unrelatable, and honestly pretty gross, to many lesbians and receive pushback. If people keep pushing back then maybe you should reflect on why. You’re not going to convince me that women who enjoy fucking men are lesbians. Or find it “okay” or any of that. I don’t think it’s close-minded to think that women who spend many years willingly having lots of sex with men (who are not in some extremely oppressive situation) are lesbians. It’s possible, but very very unlikely. If they like women they are more likely to be bi, in my opinion. The way you are qualifying lesbian there would be no actual definition for it

[–]Skipdip 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I was saying that jokingly about my sister but I guess it didn’t come across.

I’m not saying that women who enjoy fucking men are lesbians. But I’m saying there are lesbians who have trauma who do fuck men and that doesn’t necessarily determine their sexual orientation.

Late bloomer lesbians really seem to exist, I am not the expert on this topic, but it makes sense to me. There is such thing as some fluidity within the categories. So maybe that is a definition difference. I use my sister as an example because she is straight but has some fluidity. Not enough to make her bi... and you agree with this. So why is it so hard to believe that this could exist on the lesbian side as well. I kind of do wish you would get into this because as I see it is does matter.

I feel like you really don’t understand what this generation of lesbians is going through and it would be nice if you had more empathy for us. I don’t think it’s fair to say that this is happening in all of my posts. This has happened with this one, and then with the one where I shared my story. And a lot of the people who had knee jerk reactions to that one came around when I clarified certain things. It has been a real struggle for me to come to terms with my sexuality given my trauma and then this QT shit on top of it. As an elder in the lesbian community (and I’m using that term loosely) it would be nice if you could be a bit more understanding. Really the only person I have conflict with on here is you.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I understand you completely I just completely disagree. Let it go. People are allowed to feel you are wrong. Fluid is bisexual. Get over it. God.

[–]Skipdip 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Fine think what you want