When I was in 10th grade, the cable was getting cut off regularly, there was a pink notice in the front of the yard saying our house was to be foreclosed, and we were on foodstamps. Sometimes the heat was off and the car had an oil leak, so we had to sit inside of a smoking hot townhouse on a 100 degree day and just watch old movies on our dvd player.

I realized then, that I was never going to escape poverty. During that time, I made a list of things I wanted to complete before I committed suicide. The list goes as follows.

1. Become a published writer.
2. Know what it's like to have friends.
3. Know what it's like to own a car.
4. Become fit.
5. Be a mentor to someone.
6. Learn a second language.
7. Touch a woman's hands.

I'm almost 21 now. I was planning on killing myself in the second year of college. I thought that by 19, I'd have become a writer and touched a woman's hands. Turns out by 19, I had achieved everything EXCEPT touching a woman's hands. To this day, I have a suicide note already written out and planned. I had an epic dream: I'd go on one date, get to touch her hands real fast, and then go back to my dorm, text my mother that I love her, text my best friend goodbye, and kill myself.

That's still the plan today. The only thing keeping me on this earth is having not felt a woman. I'm getting crazy. I'm festering this intensive hate now that makes me angry whenever I see a woman. Women are keeping me from leaving. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING BE HERE. BUT I CAN'T FUCKING LEAVE UNTIL I'VE EXPERIENCED EVERYTHING I THINK AN ADULT SHOULD HAVE EXPERIENCED. I'm fucking tired, I just want to see some fucking hands and it all. LET ME FUCKING DIE COME THE FUCK ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN