The more I think of it, the more I am becoming anarchist about literaly everything, policits, living in society, literally everything.

For example - vaccines, but not because of medical reasons (which are completely delusional and idiotic) or not believing into existance of covid (because it's 100% obvious it exists), but because of everything my state of being has shown me. How many people cared about mental issues, how many people cared about the fact that there are lonely people, who don't have anyone to talk to, who don't have any possibility to live a normal, social life? The topic of loneliness was almost never brought, even if it was - it was taken so midly, that i was barely existant. Not to mention, that it was never taken seriousely in case of men, but that's different part of discussion.

But what happened after quarantine? "Let's take vaccine, let's go back to normal" - that is the billboard catch-phrase that I keep seeing everywhere - in buses, in the underground, on strees. The topic of mental health was being brought EVERYWHERE. "People can't socialise, children need to socialise and go to school for proper growth, people need to go to parties from time to time and get some relief, people are having less sex and it's bad, life became depressing etc." People simply had like 10% of what we have daily, without ever being shown how is it to be truly alone and they have gone crazy. They feel entitled to everything that was there in their social life, they take things for granted.

But my life and probably many other people got a lot better during quarantine. Most of those who already had suffered from loneliness or were bullied were gifted this shit. It wasn't a punishment, it wasn't a problem, it was SOLUTION. I saved more money, could buy myself many electronics and enjoy myself, I became top student because I wasn't being treated bad in university, I was not being laughed at because I wasn't in anyone vision, I was not reminded constantly that I miss something. Everyday when I normally go to university, I have to look upon all those happy, mindlessly going through life normies, who are given everything for existance. Things do happen for them. It's not like they ever tryhard for something, like they change something to get what people like us grind for years, mostly without any possibility to get.

I also suffered much less knowing, that in this current reality many people were forced to sit home and my state wasn't different than others - egoistic, but it is what it is. Knowing, that other people might realise what is it to be left alone was cope - they never reach even 50% of what we are through, but even the smallest inconvinience to normies entertain me. Really, it isn't good upon social normes, however why would I care? People found bullying me in my childhood funny, so I find it funny while they suffer nowadays - simple deal.

I lost lots of weight because I had time to do it, I was not being laughed during the process that "it won't help, I will still be ugly, that I will anyway fail" or that pure fact of trying to change something was a reason to laugh at me. Because it is obvious since ages, that normalfags advice on "self-growth" is the worst bullshit of them all - they want to see you grinding to laugh at you. That is the way to distinguish who is loser and who is not. Normalfag don't have to try and change himself to find someone. But we don't have to either - except we will never find someone anyway.

And what happened when I came back to "normal life" again? It became worse once again. I didn't want to interact with people, looking on other happy people depresses me. I found a way to dodge them, I sit alone in different spot than them, with my headphones on, so it's almost all the time like I don't even hear a word from them for the entire day. However, I still have eyes and see, happy people who did or still do - hate on people like me. I want to go back to my home, sitting there in peace and stop being depressed even or a moment and to stop seeing that. It's the first way to cut the problem - reduce it's visibility and affection of it to me.

While I am forced to "live this normal life", it's me who is suffering, as well as other people who are being damaged by this cultural, social and generally, life system. So why should I accept this state? Why should I allow normalfags to speed up the changes, which will definitely hurt me?

So coming back to my example with vaccines I live with those questions:

"So why should I exactly take vaccine? I cured my depression (not completely, but to a certain degree), my life bettered a lot, I was able to cut the reality in which I was being treated poorly. Why should I allow changes back to normal, while this normal reality was being against me?"

"How is that the very same people who were commenting my lonely introvertic life so it is "not that bad" and that I should get over it just when the quarantine started to feel completely devastated because they were forced to live for few months what I am through every single day for like 12 years of the entire schooling? Why are people showing, that a life of an introvert is bad, while extravertic life is what is desired?"

So, during the process my thoguths evolved into "I don't want to become sick because of the virus, it's definitely not comfortable, neither do I want to die because of it - I cured my suicide thoughts to a serious degree but I don't want to comeback to normal life even more. I'd rather die, knowing that I did everything I could to postpone the date of coming back to the life, which was always insufferable for me. If I allow the changes without actions, even if those are small actions only affecting me."

There are by far more example - indifference to politics or even allowing shitty politics that will punish certain groups of people, laughter at societal changes which absolutely disallow commenting incurable idiocy and more. The more I look at that, changes do not affect me, because I am anyway dead in society. However, if I see society suffer - it puts a little smile into my face.