My armpits are moist as I play Apex Legends. I have not slept in two days. I'm drinking heavily. It's been years since I've smelled a woman. In middle school, my locker was next to this girl that used Apple scented shampoo. I told her one day that I loved how her hair smelled. She called me gross and told the entire school that I "sniff women". I have never had the chance to smell a woman since. I havent hugged anyone.

I used to wear cologne because I thought it'd make me attractive to women. I had heard all about the personality shit. I started working out, shaving, and, one year, for christmas I convinced my mother to buy me $150 cologne. We were extremely poor. I didn't want to pressure her, but I wanted ANYTHING to give me a chance with women. She bought me the cologne and I started wearing it. Started dressing nicer, got new jeans and shirts. Started showing my legs off since I was working out now.

I never got a single compliment for it. Only my bros complimented me. Women made fun of me for wearing cologne to school while complimenting Chad's for smelling like Axe and Degree deodorant. I still have the bottle of Chanel my mother bought me. But, I don't wear it anymore. I haven't had the strength to wear it in forever.

When will life change? When will the positive parts of my appearance matter more than the negatives? It won't be soon.