QT: Do you regret any part of your medical transition?

submitted by worried19 from (self.GCdebatesQT)

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[–]Gravel_Roads 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I had top surgery. I don't regret it, so I'm not sure if my sort of answer would help.

Weirdly, as soon as it was done it was hard to remember what it felt like to not have a flat chest. I don't know if it's just a natural body mapping since we don't really have a lot of articulation/use of that area, so there isn't much sensory change to adjust to, but I didn't experience any "phantom tits" or experience any obstacles in recovery. I don't even have them in my dreams.

I transitioned later in life, around 30, and for me the changes have all been for the better. I don't think dysphoria is very well represented, as it's not an "emotional instability", it doesn't on its own cause suicidal ideation. It just makes it hard to look down at your body and understand why it is socially/culturally defined by terms that, (for me) literally don't make sense. So I felt like I'd just been issued the wrong rental car, but it could still drive and I had places to be, so I treated my life/existence as one might play a randomly generated RPG character assigned to them. And I did "okay"? I found body mods helped me feel connected to and in control of my body, and I was always extremely GNC and bisexual (it felt, for me, all connected - I didn't know why bodies had to be man/woman, why sexuality had to be oriented to man/woman, why my clothes and hair and presentation had to be man/woman ect. The more "pick and mix" I could be, the happier I was.)

But it SUCKED, because I still didn't feel right. Dating was impossible because I resented people being attracted to my female features; no matter how sweet or kind or attractive or fun or confident or how much I liked my partners, it would take me out of it immediately if they wanted to caress my hip or touch my breasts. I had a hard time seeing doctors because my body always seemed wrong, and when it was sick or injured it felt like it was natural to be sick or injured, because I didn't feel healthy in it.

Transitioning was the first time in my adult life I began to take my health care seriously. I don't know if it was specific transition to male, or just departure from rigidly being "female", but it's been easier to love my body now that it's shaped this way. I see dentists and I get vaccinations, I have a primary care physician. I'm able to focus on work more and be more productive. I also have been able to get more out of my own head and develop more empathy for others, because I'm not just angry at how I'm being seeing by others. Because I changed it.

So for me, it was an absolute improvement. But I will say very clearly that it was only part of the process, and the surgery in and of itself would not likely have done anything for me if I hadn't already spent a lot of time thinking about it and processing my other issues alongside it.

Transition isn't the destination. It's just a route one takes to change their life. Ideally, once it's changed you don't think about it much, because the change has become the new reality. But for me, that new reality is much easier to navigate than the old one.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I'm glad you've found some peace in your life. If you ever reconciled with your body as it used to be, or if for some reason it eventually felt 'right', how do you think you would feel then? (also, welcome! 🙂)

[–]Gravel_Roads 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Hmm, for me this is like saying "I understand you like oranges, but if you didn't like oranges, how would you feel about eating one?"

Transition/surgery is a solution to a specific problem I had. If that problem did not exist, I would not need the solution? For me, there is no "reconciliation", there is no time I wanted my breasts. I remember wanting to scrape them off with a wood rasp from the moment they grew in 20+ years ago. So I benefited from having them removed.

If having breasts felt "right", I would absolutely have kept them, for sure. Is that what you're asking?

If you're asking "What if you woke up tomorrow and suddenly wished you had breasts?" I guess... if that happened, I would regret not having them. Luckily, it hasn't happened and it's been almost a decade, so I don't think it's likely in my case.

[–]worried19[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

For me, there is no "reconciliation", there is no time I wanted my breasts. I remember wanting to scrape them off with a wood rasp from the moment they grew in 20+ years ago.

I never wanted mine either. I think a lot of people don't. But they just grew there, and after a period of alarm, I got used to them. There really wasn't any choice. Do you think there was ever a chance you could have become reconciled to them? Like if you'd been alone on a desert island, do you think your breasts would still have been a cause for hatred? I wonder about the origins of intense dysphoria.

[–]Gravel_Roads 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I got used to them. There really wasn't any choice.

I'm glad you were able to! I never did. I think that's kind of what dysphoria is - an inability to just "get over it". Even in my 30's, they were an active distraction, for me. They felt actively in my way, it hurt when I ran, they got in the way (I almost tore off a nipple army-crawling during Tough Mudder ;_;) , they made it uncomfortable to lay on my chest or cuddle with my partner ect ect. And while I'm sure there are many women who have thoughts like this, my thoughts like this were persistent enough that it was disruptive for me. Luckily, for me, surgery was a choice, and luckily it was the right one (for me).

I'm only speaking for myself, obvs - I don't personally have a lot of personal investment in the sanctity of the "natural human body". My body is just the vehicle that I drive around and experience the world through. I've just altered my vehicle to something that I like better.

Do you think there was ever a chance you could have become reconciled to them? Like if you'd been alone on a desert island, do you think your breasts would still have been a cause for hatred?

I don't hate them "because" they're breasts, I just hate the way they feel and look on my own body. Not just because people were focusing on a very "female" feature when they focus on them, but also because they were uncomfortable and I didn't like they way the looked or felt.

I think it's possible, or even probable, that if I had been very flat-chested (instead of a heavy C cup), I probably wouldn't have felt the need for surgery, as my chest would have been flat already. That probably would have been ideal, it's not like "having surgery" was the goal. If there was a pill I could take that would shrink them in another way I'd have been happy to explore that.

[–]worried19[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't hate them "because" they're breasts, I just hate the way they feel and look on my own body. Not just because people were focusing on a very "female" feature when they focus on them, but also because they were uncomfortable and I didn't like they way the looked or felt.

But surely that's connected with them being a female secondary sex characteristic, given the other steps you've taken to transition? Most natal female people if they have large, uncomfortable breasts have a breast reduction, they don't remove them from their body entirely.

I don't personally have a lot of personal investment in the sanctity of the "natural human body".

Not everyone does, of course. I don't think I have that much personal investment in it. But at the same time, human bodies are not like legos. You can't just break off pieces willy nilly. There should be some ethical and health consideration for what you're doing. Not saying a double mastectomy is definitely off limits. Some women have them to reduce the risk of breast cancer, like Angelina Jolie did. In the end, adults can make their own decisions, but I also think the medical establishment should adhere to certain standards.