My lesbian ex just came out as queer and nonbinary.

sickofit · 2020-09-15T23:57:22+00:00

Dude, sometimes people are just having a rough time. You’re being an asshole. They already told you to leave them alone and in their other responses they already said that they found a therapist they want to hire. You aren’t some hero for telling some kid being disowned and feeling alone that they’re just choosing to be a victim. She clearly is not very happy about being a lesbian and telling her to just ignore it and shut up is a load of crap. Just stop.

sickofit · 2020-09-16T00:06:22+00:00

I did read your comments. You’ve made it perfectly clear that you think a kid feeling sad and alone because they got disowned by their family and are seeing a lot of homophobia even in the gay community is “choosing to have a victim mentality”. Believe it or not, being disowned isn’t a fun experience and telling someone they’re “choosing to have a victim mentality” for being sad about it is bullshit. Your “no nonsense advice” is you being an asshole, not you being some incredible protector of the truth. Stop.

sickofit · 2020-09-15T23:44:45+00:00

I know how you feel. I’ve been feeling really alone, too. I know it’s hard to find other lesbians, but is there anyone you know from school or work? Even if you aren’t “friends” with them, they’d probably be receptive to talking to you about these things. I would guess that a lot of them have struggled with the same things.

I haven’t had thoughts that were as bad but I have dealt with wishing I was a straight guy. I sent a dm to a lesbian I (barely) knew in college and talked to her about it. She could relate and it made me feel a little better. I suggest doing this in addition to therapy. You can send me a message too. Wishing you the best.

sickofit · 2020-09-16T04:32:42+00:00

Whether or not you intend to be an asshole, you are. Insulting someone and blaming them for "choosing to be a victim" is such a shitty way to react to a person who is clearly struggling with homophobia in their life and having a hard time with their sexuality. Plus literally everyone on this subreddit is having a hard time with the state of the lgbtkjalksdfj community, or we wouldn't be here. But no, you're just honest while everyone else is spreading "nonsense", and anyone who disagrees with your behavior just enjoys feeling terrible. Sure.

sickofit · 2020-09-16T04:30:26+00:00

Right? Like either way you're just insulting someone for being sad and essentially telling them it's their fault for feeling upset at all. What a crappy way to treat someone who is clearly already having a rough time and decided to reach out for help. All she said was that she felt lonely and wished she knew fewer homophobes and more fellow lesbians. It was clearly making her depressed and was hard to accept. But no, it must just be that everyone else here is spewing "nonsense" while this lady is the truth bringer.

sickofit · 2020-09-15T23:55:22+00:00

Ahhh. Well, my inbox is still open if you need a friend. I’m on the younger side and it sounds like you are too.

sickofit · 2020-09-16T00:29:39+00:00

Hey, sorry, I didn’t see this reply. I’m talking about young liberal women in cities. Honestly I wouldn’t really know what it’s like in other places as I live in a liberal area + am 18-25.

sickofit · 2020-09-14T02:09:57+00:00

Story time....

In my old town, I was in this “queer” women’s group temporarily. Almost everyone in it was either bi or trans and it was was very “woke”. Aside from the trans women, only one “cis woman” other than me called herself a lesbian. But I didn’t really buy it. She always gave me a #notlikeothergirls vibe, and she would talk about being a lesbian in an attention-seeking way. She would deadass say things like “people don’t expect me to be a lesbian because I’m so pretty, but I am, sorry boys”. She was dating a woman at the time.

Anyway, I didn’t keep in touch with this person, mainly because she was arrogant in general and it was annoying. I was still in the group chat for this group but I never commented.

So this girl’s relationship ended a year ago. (The relationship with a woman remember) She IMMEDIATELY started sleeping with men regularly and changed her identification to bi. She made an announcement about how she only “couldn’t” call herself bi because lesbians are so horribly biphobic that she had no choice. I was just like... what lesbians?? Everyone you hang out with is either bi or trans. They’re all into queer theory. You didn’t do it because you were some victim, you just wanted to.

In response she just got a bunch of people from her friend circle (the bi and trans one) agreeing. Several of the bi girls would regularly talk about how it’s not fair that lesbians make them feel uncomfortable with identifying as lesbians “just because they like men too” because they felt that “lesbian” should just mean “bi but prefers women to men”. They all talk about how awful lesbians are all the time. I’m not in the group chat anymore...

This turned into a long story, sorry!

sickofit · 2020-09-14T01:52:47+00:00

LOL this needs to be a meme

sickofit · 2020-09-14T01:50:42+00:00

I had to check that this wasn’t from the onion LOL

sickofit · 2020-09-13T03:58:11+00:00

Even though that’s happening, people take gay men a lot more seriously than lesbians in general. So even though “gay” is used as whatever in the community, people still generally respect and believe men who say they’re gay. Lesbians were already not taken seriously so we tend to suffer more from this specific problem.

sickofit · 2020-09-13T16:54:00+00:00

LOL tell me about it. It’s really frustrating because you see it all the time.

On the other hand... these are straight people. They are not familiar with lgbtlaksdjf identity politics and what goes on in the community. The vast majority of straight people are not going to question what a "lesbian" says lesbians are like. Similarly, if some "gay man" says that its normal for gay men to like fucking women in the butt too, most straight people are going to listen. Because this person is claiming to be a representative of that group. Thd "queer theory" explanations are very confusing even for people who are in the community, and they're constantly changing. Most straight people do not have the tools or the gall to question a self-proclaimed gay person on what being gay is about. Most people dont assume the people they hang out with are liars.

I agree with you on the bi women but i think we need to reframe the conversation a bit. Men are not the only people who dont believe that lesbians exist. Women believe the exact same thing just as often as the men do, the only difference is that they are less likely to try to prey on that (though they do that sometimes too). These women are just a subset of homophobic women. They dont just enable the "lesbians dont exist" group, they are part of that group too. If they weren't, they wouldn't think that women who like men (like themselves) are lesbians or that lesbians are "fluid".

sickofit · 2020-09-13T10:54:18+00:00

Agreed... it weirds me out. Both "libfems" and "radfems" do it. Then in 2020 they try to redefine lesbianism in their image at the expense of actual lesbians.

sickofit · 2020-09-14T01:45:33+00:00

Ah my bad I forgot I said that. Point remains that r/sex is by far not the only place I’ve seen these people. There are some trolls in the world but most of these people aren’t trolls. You can even confirm that by going to their profiles.

sickofit · 2020-09-13T16:36:06+00:00

Don’t call them lesbians. They didn't sleep with a lesbian, they slept with a lying bi woman. There are a lot of those. sure some men are lying but a lot are not. If you dont believe it, you can even go onto any of the lesbian or bisexual subreddits and see the sheer number of bisexuals who call themselves lesbians. There are tons of them and they will happily explain how sure, they hooked up with three men last week, but they're totally "valid" as a lesbian. Some of them are even happily dating or married to men but will announce that they're lesbians at every opportunity. Most of them know that they're bisexual but choose to not say that and will get mad if you say there's something wrong with that. At some point these women need to be held accountable and not just handwaved away each time.

sickofit · 2020-09-13T16:57:15+00:00

Who said i was talking about r/sex? There are tons of these people in pretty much every lgbt space. I’ve seen plenty of them outside of it as well. I know people like this in person too. They are a big driving factor behind the push for sexual fluidity, lesbian erasure, and the homophobic attacks on lesbians in particular. Gay men do deal with this as well but its not even close to as extreme due to a variety of social factors. Obviously there are made up stories on the internet sometimes, but what im talking about is not just a silly made up issue. It is affecting us and i know you mean well but I feel like you're just telling me everything's in my head when it just isn't. Though I wish it was

sickofit · 2020-09-14T01:43:10+00:00

Sorry it’s okay I just misunderstood it

sickofit · 2020-09-13T03:58:26+00:00

Attention

sickofit · 2020-09-13T01:25:25+00:00

It’s so beautiful though LOL

sickofit · 2020-09-12T15:20:54+00:00

In my experience, there's a few types of women who do this... I never thought about wanting to not appear "slutty" while sleeping around as a reason but i think that's a reason too. Some other ones i see a lot:

Started identifying as lesbian at a really young age (like 12-14) and became attached to the idea. So now when they sleep with men they try to hold on to that identity
Know they're bisexual but say that they vastly prefer women to men, so they pinky promise themselves that they'll stick with women and start calling themselves lesbians. But if you're bisexual, you are attracted to men anyway, and no matter what you pinky promise if you meet some guy who's your dream boy you aren't going to ditch him to be loyal to your pretend lesbianism. But they try to hold on as long as they can. They also speak on lesbian issues a lot but since they’re not actually lesbians their perspective usually just sounds like a typical bi woman.
Attention-seeking bi and straight girls who know that guys think its hot to sleep with a lesbian. Or sometimes trying to look like they're above the patriarchy or a very woke lesbian who accepts all genders.
Girls who like the "lesbian image". so they like to think of themselves as these tough, sexy butches or something. I think the tendency to portray lesbians as more independent, strong and smart than straight and bi women in the media is part of this too...
Girls who are homophobic and dont think lesbians really exist anyway, so they assume every other lesbian also likes men.

sickofit · 2020-09-12T17:41:20+00:00

Who are these people saying you can’t be friends with men? I have men who are like brothers to me. These people are probably political lesbians

sickofit · 2020-09-13T04:22:48+00:00

Wow... this doc is pretty bad. Maybe this is part of why so many girls are confused about their sexuality. I’m a lesbian and I feel alienated by this document lol. Almost all of it is about men... sleeping with men, loving men, dating men... not women.

sickofit · 2020-09-13T04:08:36+00:00

The more you tolerate it from her, the more you further it. We have to do something, not just complain in an echo chamber. Your friend isn’t just a girl who’s making it easier for the evil men to harass lesbians, she’s a homophobe and harasser herself

sickofit · 2020-09-12T14:52:44+00:00

I’m 18-25 and ive faced this. you're right that its mostly something happening with younger women. It’s happening enough that im seeing a shift in straight people where some of them used to think that only idiots would say they're lesbian while sleeping with men, but now they think that lesbians just like men too because their """lesbian""" friend does. The """lesbians""" who do this usually go out of their way to "educate" straight people about how lesbians are fluid and that's why they hooked up with billy last week. It’s spreading homophobia towards us, because now some people are treating us like we're just closed minded because we're not "fluid" like the other """"lesbians"""".

I’ve tried talking more openly about it, especially with guys. Actually, a while ago this happened to me and i just sort of "shot the shit" (idk if saying this right, worked night shift...) with the guy. He said he had hooked up with two "lesbians" before, repeatedly. I just told him we see girls like that in the gay community and they're so annoying that some of them even marry a guy and keep saying they're lesbians. He ended up talking about it with me casually and being like "I know right? they're always saying lesbian, not bi, no matter how many times we sleep with each other" and we both kinda bonded over saying they're dumb. He thought the stories i had about the things girls like this in the gay community say were funny.

sickofit · 2020-09-12T18:19:10+00:00

In my experience, they know, they just don’t care. Plus it’s not just men who dismiss our sexuality, women do too. A lot of these girls are homophobic.

sickofit · 2020-09-12T15:00:02+00:00

I think she probably does have feelings for your gf because that's weird. But I think more than that, you need to talk to your girlfriend. The reason why her friend is acting like that doesn't matter. Simply... she should be standing up for you. Your girlfriend should be the first one to say "hey, shut up, that's the girl i love and you are not going to insult her in my house. treat her with respect or leave." Why isn't she doing that? To me, that's the real issue.

sickofit · 2020-09-12T15:08:34+00:00

I’m going to steal the phrasing of that first paragraph. Thanks!

sickofit · 2020-09-12T16:02:16+00:00

Yeah I see that a lot with the “fluid” people. They usually do it to women though, they leave the men alone

sickofit · 2020-09-12T14:46:03+00:00

This should be some sort of "history of the internet" youtube video. I feel like you sent me back in time for a while. To the worst parts of the internet, but still, back in time... haha. You really nailed it. I’m trying to have faith that things will move to something new... but god, right now, its so militant that its unbearable. At least in the past few iterations, the crazy was confined to tumblr for the most part. Now its everywhere and most terrifyingly, its in leadership positions in important organizations, enforcing change from the top down. This way, even things that most people disagree with are getting pushed onto the public with threats of silencing if you dont go with it.

For the record, I agree with you on trump too. I don't know if you're american but i feel that the left here is in general VERY preoccupied with identity politics to where they're neglecting more important issues. Many times the issues they come up with are highly exaggerated as well, and rely on smear campaigns, name calling, and so on to demonize the opposition into silence rather than actual information. People are getting sick of it. I don’t like trump but given a better republican candidate I would consider voting for them, because I’m tired of this too. The left keeps stirring outrage and usually its these attention-seeking, socially inept people that are the most militant about it. They are very very unlikeable and pick fights with everyone.

I’ve been trying to speak up more. I hope that more people are waking up... lesbians are a small group and i worry that no matter what we do, without the help of the B and G we will be bulldozed. I appreciate your support.

sickofit · 2020-09-12T17:45:40+00:00

Yeah exactly. Like even if she doesn’t say it to your face it’s not acceptable. Your gf needs to use those ovaries and stand up for you

sickofit · 2020-09-12T05:30:18+00:00

how did he react? i'm going to start handling it like you because i can't take it anymore either.

sickofit · 2020-09-11T23:29:31+00:00

That's how I feel, the only way I can feel alright is to just not look at any place that has a lot of lgbt people in it or I just get drowned in the homophobia. Sometimes straight people even defend us and lgbt people chime in saying "no you need to learn more about sexuality, lesbians can like men sometimes too, its just a word and people can like whoever they want regardless of what word they use!" its so bad..

sickofit · 2020-09-12T00:23:36+00:00

Sometimes its a statement about their lives too, like if they think they're "not like other bis" but want to be way cooler. So they're like i have an undercut, im a tomboy, im cool and independent, being a lesbian fits my ~~image~~.

sickofit · 2020-09-12T15:05:05+00:00

... in Colorado by chance?

sickofit · 2020-09-12T00:01:22+00:00

radfems see it as a way to be "above men" and TQ see it as above men + a way to be special and sexy. both are stupid

sickofit · 2020-09-12T00:02:28+00:00

A lot of them aren't confused... they know they aren't lesbians. They just "identify" as lesbian without caring about actual lesbians. The forbidden fruit thing you said is a big part of it, but i think its so stupid that they see a minority as a "forbidden fruit" instead of just a different group of people. Calling myself Native American is forbidden but i also dont see it as a forbidden fruit to do it just because somebody tells me no or because Native Americans are seen as cool by liberals.

sickofit · 2020-09-12T01:45:09+00:00

Having such a big sample size go that way is so disappointing though ): I can dream of knowing 200 lesbians but I know maybe 5-10. And several went non-binary

sickofit · 2020-09-12T01:42:22+00:00

LOL me too

sickofit · 2020-09-11T23:52:40+00:00

200???

sickofit · 2020-09-12T05:31:20+00:00

i would love to join. sending DM

sickofit · 2020-09-12T00:00:48+00:00

i wish i could print this out and stick it around all of these places.

sickofit · 2020-09-11T12:55:19+00:00

I don’t know anymore... a lot of them are crazy and it’s not even like we bother them, we try to get away from them but they follow us and yell at us to let them come and try to ruin our lives on the internet.

sickofit · 2020-09-11T12:52:13+00:00

I think just try to date someone who doesn’t look like they’re in the gay community... somebody without colored hair or anything. A lot of times the crazy ones make it obvious with pronouns in the bio, black lives matter on tinder, and stuff like that

sickofit