marigold

I feel like I could have written a lot of this too! It’s great to hear my experience wasn’t unique. 😁

I was horrified to learn in middle school sex ed what actually occurred in heterosexual sex. As a teenager, I never started liking boys like everyone else and thought I was weird and must be asexual. Then I started liking girls and fantasized about spending more time close to them and cuddling, but I refused to think of them in a sexual way because it felt dirty. I kept thinking I must be asexual. I convinced myself for awhile that I could choose not to be a lesbian, other people were gay but not me! I tried to convince myself I could date men and somehow use it to my advantage that I wouldn’t become attached or fall in love with them. Looking back I recognize how delusional I was, the crazy ideas and internal explanations I had come up with, all to avoid admitting to myself that I was a lesbian.