We need this showing up on Google for a gender critical search. So pardon me but here goes.

jelliknight · 2020-06-30T09:32:09+00:00

Gender critical? Gender critical. TERF TERF Transgender detransition. What's a TERF? Who's a TERF? Where's TERF? What do TERFS believe? What's a radical feminist? Gender gender gender gender identity. Gender critical gendercritical Gender Critical subreddit

https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/ https://saidit.net/s/GenderCritical/

jelliknight · 2020-07-05T01:53:12+00:00

Every transperson is a TERF.

How do you know if your gender identity doesn't align with your sex? Are you saying sex is binary? Are you saying there's just one gender identity for each sex? TERF!! What, you want hormones? You think being a woman has anything to do with estrogen? TERF!! Why are you trying to get onto the 'female' sports team? Don't you know ANY body can be a female body? And those menstruators could be any sex or gender. Did you ask everyone on the 'male' team how they identify or did you just assume YOU TERF!!

jelliknight · 2020-10-30T04:22:15+00:00

A watermelon with a penis-sized hole might as well be called a vagina!

It would 'produce its own fluid' too, since they don't seem to care exactly what kind of fluid.

jelliknight · 2020-07-02T09:33:16+00:00

I don't go around with a mystical womanly feeling

You don't? ~glitters femininely~

jelliknight · 2020-09-18T04:32:59+00:00

Don't have friends then. Seriously. These aren't friends, these are enemies you let have access to you in your home or when you're vulnerable. If they're genuinely the only option you're better off without.

You won't be though. When women confidently speak up for themselves and refuse to compromise it acts like a beacon to other amazing women.

jelliknight · 2020-08-29T03:35:20+00:00

AHAHAHA

Have you seen a phalloplasty? I could make a more realistic penis with a saveloy and some duct tape. And they generally can't get erect at all. I fell like I'd also notice the huge chucks of flesh missing from my partners forearm and/or legs.

Totally detached from reality.

jelliknight · 2020-07-05T01:58:25+00:00

Here's an idea, if a TIM tries to get into women's spaces, we'll just have all the women present identify as men, and all the men identify as women. Swap bathrooms, and continue as before with all the male bodied people on one side, and all the female bodied people on the other.

jelliknight · 2020-06-30T10:02:34+00:00

Lesbian Outlaws would be a good band name :)

jelliknight · 2020-08-07T02:46:42+00:00

The virus is different to what we initially thought it was. More deadly and less contagious. 'Flattening the curve' is the strategy for a virus which can't be stopped by distancing, which results in good immunity for people who've had it, and for which there is effective medical treatment. You're aiming to slow it down so that everyone can get the treatment, then be immune. Covid CAN be stopped relatively easily through social distancing and doesn't have very effective treatments, and we're still unsure how long immunity lasts after infection, so 'flattening the curve' is the wrong approach.

New Zealand started on a 'flatten the curve' strategy, then responded to new information, changed course, and eliminate the virus. They still haven't seen a resurgence. It took 4 weeks of hard lockdown.

jelliknight · 2020-07-05T02:13:03+00:00

There's no force in the universe more powerful than a woman who has said "you know what? FUCK THIS" :)

jelliknight · 2020-07-04T04:51:10+00:00

4x worse than normal in number of deaths in the USA so far, and we're only halfway through the year, and it's accelerating.

So 'quite a bit' worse than normal.

jelliknight · 2020-06-30T09:43:20+00:00

Suggest Radfemit for the name :)

jelliknight · 2020-06-30T09:21:20+00:00

The left has become afraid of discussion. They believe that if we all talked openly, everyone would become Trump supporting Nazis.

I think it's because i few decades ago, racism, misogyny, and homophobia were far more common and accepted and 'the left' was the alternate. Meaning that in order to become left you would have to question the dominant narrative, and figure out what is true and right. Those people don't have to fear debate. Now people are raised in a world where left is the default. They've never had to ask questions like "but WHY is it important that gay people can get married? Really, it's just a piece of paper, a government document and a relic from a time when women were property. What's that got to do with two dudes in love?" They don't have a good answer for that because they've never had to look for one. "This is what good people believe, shut up and accept it." Just like fundamentalist christians they're afraid that allowing outside thought will turn people "to the devil" because they're actually very uncertain of themselves.

WE know that homophobia, racism, and misogyny are NOT morally or logically defensible, because we've checked. We never have to fear discussion.

jelliknight · 2020-10-28T22:15:39+00:00

I always imagine a man with two baby bottles strapped to his chest. Like a hands free kit for a Dad.

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T00:44:44+00:00

Being a trans girl is actually like being a boy with freckles. And claiming that freckles are cute, and cute things are girly, therefore you're a girl.

jelliknight · 2020-09-26T05:34:58+00:00

Men are like dogs.

If a dog rushes you, never run. Prey runs. If you run you're guaranteeing that they'll chase you. If you get rushed by a dog, stare at it, step towards it, stomp and shout angrily. It will back away. If it doesn't, you're in a great position to kick it in the mouth before it gets to you.

And the more meek you act around that sort of man the more aggressive they get. Instead of cowering and crossing the road you have to look them in the eye and shout back at them. And if they do attack, you've drawn a bunch of attention, made it clear that you intend to fight back, and you're facing them head on.

The point of the initial rush/attack/catcall is to determine if you're an easy target or not. Compliance isn't their goal, it's their greenlight. This goes for abusers too.

Walk tall. It doesn't matter if they are predators, we are not prey.

jelliknight · 2020-09-12T13:41:24+00:00

transphobic is the least of what you will be called. You will be called a racist, a bigot, a literal murder, and accused of committing hate crimes. Don't adopt any labels that aren't accurate. I'd suggest make a first video about being gender critical, make sure you carefully draw the lines on what you believe (of course people can dress themselves any way they want, but that doesn't change your. No, no one should be beaten up based on their beliefs about themselves, but also women shouldn't be forced to share intimate spaces with men no matter what those men feel). Then collect the comments from that video and make a second one about all the slurs and accusations you received and how stupid they are. Double the content, and controversy drives traffic. Also, if no one threatens to rape you to death you can point out the JKR received those threats and you didn't, because misogyny.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:38:50+00:00

In reality though, if the student was this self confident they probably wouldn't be basing their identity on gender.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:28:12+00:00

It's a cult but without a leader.

Honestly, sort of makes me think we should bring Scientology back. There's a lot of sheep out there needing a shepherd and if you don't give them something ridiculous to believe in they'll start making up their own.

jelliknight · 2020-08-31T11:35:53+00:00

When people said "we'll police our own communities" they didn't mean "we'll start shooting our own people down in the street without justification".

I can see how you'd be confused since that's the only sort of 'policing' you have at the moment, but that's not what the word is supposed to mean.

jelliknight · 2020-08-30T08:20:46+00:00

So how about YOU abstain from sex totally instead of infringing on womens bodily autonomy?

jelliknight · 2020-08-27T11:17:07+00:00

Exactly, the repetitive rituals reek of brainwashing. They say the intention is to sort of do a regular spiritual realignment, but surely you could just take 3 deep breaths and focus for a few seconds or something? If you're doing it 5 times a day how fay off course could you possibly be getting? What, if you take your attention off god for more than 3 hours are you going to find yourself neck deep in an accidental cocaine orgy?

jelliknight · 2020-08-24T10:23:27+00:00

If you need help understanding maths you can just ask.

jelliknight · 2020-08-24T10:22:43+00:00

There is no heard immunity yet. You need more than 80% of a population to be immune before you get heard immunity and we're nowhere near that. It might not even be possible to get near that due to a combination of mutation rate and decreasing immunity over time (same reason we still have colds, even though they've been around for years)

jelliknight · 2020-08-24T10:21:19+00:00

We're ALL going to die anyway, at some point.

But the way you mean it, no, you're wrong. Google "excess mortality".

jelliknight · 2020-08-16T07:59:19+00:00

I believe last statistic I saw trans suicides were 40%

That statistic is not accurate. It's from a self reported online survey, and even then it exaggerated - the number of self reported 'attempts' gets passed around as the number of actual suicides. I believe the better studies put trans suicides at about the same rate as LGB and/or others with their commodities. People don't like to acknowledge this but many people who identify as trans have personality disorders or other mental health issues too, and those groups have an elevated suicide risk too. I can't be bothered finding an accurate study but just know that number looks unbelievable because you shouldn't believe it.

We would just prefer they stay off women’s sports teams, locker rooms, and stop taking away accomplishments from real women.

Exactly

jelliknight · 2020-08-16T06:32:34+00:00

They never run out of witches to burn.

jelliknight · 2020-08-13T13:40:05+00:00

Oooh good one. Everyone who thinks they're "transgender" is actual just "transtemporal". TIFs are from a future where women are equal and TIMs are from the past when the definition of masculinity was much broader due the femininity being so narrow. They need to update the date on their birth certificate not the sex.

jelliknight · 2020-08-13T13:37:45+00:00

Americans are insane. You really need to get the lead out of your water pipes.

jelliknight · 2020-08-13T12:45:32+00:00

You sound like you're on the path, but you're still in the thick bushes. Keep going, there's a clearing ahead.

There are 2 genders, and they're both inherently tied to sex.

What is a gender, and what do you mean "inherantly" tied to sex? Here in GC we believe that 'gender' is the set of social roles, rules and expectations pushed on a person because of their sex. Genders are not 'inherent' (existing in something as a permanent, essential, or characteristic attribute) because they vary across time and cultures in arbitrary ways. Leggings and high heels used to be worn exclusively by men. Kilts are for men. Pink used to be for boys. Computing used to be 'for women' and now it's well paid it's 'for men'.

Most people are born male/female and stay that way,

Everyone stays that way. No one has ever changed sex. It can't be done. Sex is defined by the potential role you would play in sexual reproduction (it's why the sexes exist in the first place) - would you be impregnated, or impregnator? No human has ever produced both sperm and egg, or switched from producing one to producing the other.

become a woman or a man socially.

What does it mean to be 'socially' a man or a woman? I have short hair, wear pants, don't wear make up and work only in male dominated fields. Am I "socially a man"? Or is it only people who lie about their sex who become "socially" the opposite sex?

Some trans people are able to get astoundingly good results from surgery/hrt

A lot of people think legless lizards are snakes. They aren't. Just because it kind of looks like something doesn't make it so. And in this case we're talking about extensive cosmetic surgery. There's a guy who had craploads of cosmetic surgery to make himself look like a Ken Doll. Did he become a Ken Doll? No. He became a man who's had craploads of surgery. He now 'identifies as a woman'. If you can think he's a 'neo-woman' because he had surgery to look like one, then you must also believe that he was a 'neo-ken doll'. There's other people who've had surgery to look like cats and dragons.

I feel like if you have estrogen(synthetic or not), a neo-vagina, a feminine face, and breasts, you're a woman to general society

You're not though. Women are not A La Carte. You can't pick and mix enough 'female-ish' attributes and make a woman. The only thing that makes a person a woman is being an adult female human. Otherwise, you also have to say that a post menopausal woman with masculine features and a mastectomy is no longer a woman. If you've ever had testicles you're for sure a bloke and there's no amount of surgery that changes that, for the same reason there's nothing that can happen to a woman that makes her no longer a woman.

theres something to be said about the fact that lesbians/straight men are not attracted to people like buck angel/ vice versa for transwomen.

There is a valid point to be made here. People like Buck have never existed before in the past. Humans evolved secondary sex characteristics making it possible to tell with almost 100% accuracy which sex a person is with a microsecond glance. It's almost impossible for a man to alter his secondary sex characteristics to the point where it's possible to mistake him for a woman, but women who take testosterone can become convincing facsimiles of men, if they already had a slight masculine frame. Testosterone is a one way street, and our brains did not evolve with a need to be able to identify women like Buck. However, I think it's fair to say that most people of either sex are not attracted to either type of transsexual. Transition generally involves removing sex characteristics. For example, a TIM will attempt to remove all the characteristics that make him attractive as a man (adams apple, beard, etc), but they will not be able to add many of the characteristics that make women attractive (waist-hip ratio, for example). People who physically transition are essentially deliberately giving themselves a severe intersex condition, altering their hormonal balance (pheromones play a huge role in attraction), and often making themselves sterile. The result is a person with a mix of sexual characteristics that seem to throw up a "this person is sick - not a viable mate" flag deep in the subconscious mind.

Passing is mostly a myth. Buck is the one exception I know of where you wouldn't know from looking at him. It's usually very obvious from watching a person walk (men and womens hips and gaits are dramatically different and that doesn't change), and at best it raises confusion. You might be 99% sure that the person with long hair and lipstick is a man, but best not to cause offence on the off chance you're wrong. That being said, even if people SAY they believe he's a woman, they still treat him like a man, and vice versa. There was an article on here recently about a TIM raping and attempting to impregnate a TIF. TIM's still get male privilege and TIFs still experience misogyny when people suspect their actual sex (most of the time).

They're different, sure, but at the end of the day, its more or less the same experience as a biological woman/man.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Being a man in bio drag is nowhere near the same experience as being a woman. I was THIRTY before i understood how my body actually works (ladies, FAM is where it's at) because women's biology isn't even on the radar. Medical science barely understands how our bodies react to drugs. We're discriminated against in employment and politics, while men in drag are given the places which were intended to get us fair representation. Tell me where the overlap is in Bruce Jenner's experiences and mine?

I dont think that neo-females belong in female-only spaces like reproductive health/similar things, but I do think they belong in spaces that are for WOMEN, like the public bathroom.

Men do not belong in womens spaces. Those spaces are FOR US. If you can at least recognise that your "neo women" are a different category, then fight for them to have their own bathrooms. Their own sports, and their own scholarships. You have no right to take away what women have spent hundreds of years fighting for.

IMO people can become women

Only if they are born female human babies, then grow up.

but they cannot become true females

Woman means adult human female. Taking it to mean anything else is sexist. "Person who looks feminine", "Person who gets treated as the lesser half of society", "person who may be sexually objectified". Seriously, come up with a non-sexist definition of "woman" that doesn't include the fact that we are the female half of the human sex?

"Females" is a group that refers to mares, heifers, flowers, and electrical sockets. There needs to be a name for the group of humans historically and continually discriminated against in every aspect of society based on their biological sex. And that word is WOMAN.

jelliknight · 2020-08-13T12:06:08+00:00

The thinking seems to be "I don't like what's expected of women, but I know I can't change sex and I don't want to take hormones. If only there was some other option..." Claiming to be neither sex doesn't make any less sense than claiming to be the opposite.

jelliknight · 2020-08-08T09:09:30+00:00

I can't understand what you mean can you please explain?

Hormonal birth control for example can cause lack of sexual desire and attraction. I would class sexual desire are the physical desire resulting in wanting to have sex or masturbate, while sexual attraction is a similar feeling specifically directed towards a particular person. I might feel sexual desire right now because I want that act right now, but I feel sexual attraction to that guy because he seems like I'd want to do that act with him as some point. A lack of desire and a lack of attraction are closely linked. If you disagree can you explain how?

Many hormonal issues can be chronic. It's possible to have them all your life, or to develop them over time, or suddenly. They can result in feeling a lack of sexual desire and therefore feeling no sexual attraction to anyone in particular.

It's possible that a person may simply have a naturally extremely low sex drive and be asexual (unable to experience sexual attraction). It's also possible that it's the result of a physiological condition which may be causing other physiological issues and needs to be investigated.

It seems to be really important to you that asexuality ISN'T fixable. Why?

jelliknight · 2020-07-20T12:25:08+00:00

I agree with you. Men may sometimes be predators, but women are not prey. Being aware and prepared is one thing but I hate the idea that we are meek helpless little lambs.

jelliknight · 2020-07-04T05:34:42+00:00

I agree. While I LOVE that in this space we are unapologetic and don't 'nicely' explain why we should have rights, there does also need to be a space for that. Those who don't want to deal with it don't have to. I had my own 'peak trans' discussion and I de-converted several other people since then. Reasoned, gentle discussion does work, but we tend to go pretty hard on newbies here, especially the guys. You do have to show people how to do better.

jelliknight · 2020-07-02T09:53:42+00:00

Haha, perhaps they're unintentionally using the first meaning of the word?

"I'm a woman!"

"No you're not, you have testicles and a Y chromosome."

"You're invalidating (proving incorrect) my identity!!"

jelliknight · 2020-07-02T09:07:41+00:00

It's not going to work. I'm left-wing but I'd put money that Trump will win.

No one likes Biden
Postal voting isn't going to be allowed
The pandemic will be far worse by the election
The only people willing to risk their lives to vote will be the same ones who protested shut downs and masks.

I predict the lowest voter turn out in recent history, with Trump winning again in the electoral college. I also predict a large number of write-in votes for Bernie.

jelliknight · 2020-06-30T10:26:14+00:00

How many users/readers sidewide? is there any way to tell?

ETA the main sub has 33,000 users so let's go with that as a general estimate.

r/gendercritical had about 68,000 before the shutdown. Let's do it! Let's get all us GC people here and make saidit 60% GC!

jelliknight · 2020-06-30T09:33:24+00:00

Yep. Just because they say the sky is blue that does NOT mean they're on our side.

jelliknight · 2020-06-30T02:44:15+00:00

Obviously we were getting too powerful, too many supporters coming in from all the JKR nonsense to see what was actually going on.

It's fine, good riddance. Reddit was been a cesspit from the beginning. I'm glad something like this came along to force a switch. Now how do we get this to the top result on google?

jelliknight · 2020-11-14T03:17:21+00:00

yeh as im getting older im seeing "acceptance" and "exclusivity" as not purely good things. A good dose of shunning and exclusive is sometimes really good for society.

jelliknight · 2020-11-07T05:05:33+00:00

Pregnancy and building a family is the big reason women are disadvantaged in the workplace in the United States. So who is more privileged, women who can't get pregnant or those who can?

Men. Men is the answer to that question.

Our society depends, at the most basic level, on women birthing and raising children. There is no economy or society without that work. The fact that it is poorly respected and not supported, to the extent that it has a negative affect on a woman's life while she's bringing uncountable positive value to the society around her is the problem. Not whether infertile women have it worse. Not men in skirts. The complete dismissal of women's labor and the structures which have been built that unnecessarily keep women with infants out of work are "the big reason women are disadvantaged in the workplace". It's men who are more privileged.

jelliknight · 2020-11-07T04:57:51+00:00

"well OBVIOUSLY the disadvantages of being trans outweigh the benefits of male privilege"

Even if that were true (it isn't, you could argue that TIMs have additional privileges on top of male privilege) it's irrelevant. You can have male privilege and have a disability, and in the combined total of those be treated more poorly overall than an able bodied woman, e.g. in terms of employment. That doesn't mean you aren't male or don't have male privilege.

jelliknight · 2020-11-07T04:48:52+00:00

is exactly what the Trump campaign said

jelliknight · 2020-10-30T04:17:46+00:00

I'm not going to bother reading the links.

What makes the constructed different from the actual thing when both look and feel the same?

They are a fuck hole. That's all. No faux-gina is a vagina. it's a fuckable cavity carved into a pelvis. It has less in common with a vagina than a gunshot wound does.

First, a vagina doesn't just "secrete fluid". It secretes several specific and distinct types of fluids, arousal fluid is produced by special glands which males do not have called Bartholin's glands. It also continually produces moisture which maintains the health of the tissue, and is at a particular pH (which actually changes during the cycle). The vagina also, importantly, ends in a cervix which secretes its own fluids and they also change throughout the cycle. The vagina is made up of accordion like tissue and is surrounded by musculature which allows it to expand and contract under conscious and unconscious control. And then the whole thing is encircled by the clitoris, a structure which is only barely understood by medicine.

None of the constructed faux-ginas do or have any of these things. They are all simply holes, carved into a man, for the sake of his vanity and another man's penis. Faux-ginas do not maintain themselves. They must be forced open for hours a day, every single day, or they will close. No vagina does that.

And secondly, none of them, not even the best "look and feel" like the real thing. At all. Look up pictures of Phalloplasty. The pictures you can find online are the best results. The vagina, being mostly internal, is a little harder to see but it's no less ridiculous.

jelliknight · 2020-10-28T22:29:40+00:00

"Privilege" has just become a way to knock someone else down. It was supposed to makes us think, it's having the opposite affect. And it applies to everyone. You could be a mixed race transgender lesbian wheelchair-using autistic blind deaf mute with a heroin addition and you'd still have "wasn't in a car accident" privilege.

I read an article about privilege in the animal/evolutionary sense. Privilege is anything your parents give you other than just your existence and genes. So fish don't really get any privilege, they're squirted into a cloud and abandoned. Baby birds have privilege in getting fed for a few weeks before having to fend for themselves. Mammals have milk privilege. Predators which learn skills from their parents have privilege. Any time privilege comes into the equation it means your survival isn't just about how fit YOU are, it's about how much your parents helped you. A tiger cub may be genetically more fit than another but if its parent did a shittier job of teaching it to hunt (because the parent was injured, or died early, or there just wasn't much prey around when it was learning) it will be disadvantaged.

Humans have more privilege than almost any other animal. We invest 18 years, about a quarter of an average human life, in helping our offspring. This means that in humans, unlike fish, your relative success is in a large part nothing to do with you. Your individual skills, achievements and outcomes are still largely driven by your efforts but when comparing a person to another you have to take privilege into account. E.g. You might be great at crochet, that's your achievement, well done. If you're the best in the world at it you have to wonder how many other people had the opportunity to invest so much time in a hobby that's generally unprofitable, and what privilege might've contributed to your relative success?

This is an important concept to understand and recognize. There are genuinely wealthy people who are given businesses as teens and still believe they "did it all themselves" and other people just didn't try as hard.

Of course NONE of this has to do with "checking your privilege" when posting a motivational meme, or with the state of perpetual victim-hood some people are clinging to.

I find a good response to "Check your privilege" is "I did. It's going fine, thanks for asking."

jelliknight · 2020-10-27T08:43:00+00:00

They're not "nice" though.

It's not nice to say to an adult man who's clearly floundering "Sure! Wear a dress to your job training! Everyone will respect you for it and you won't look ridiculous at all!" It's cruel and selfish.

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T11:24:04+00:00

Buck angel is a transgender woman. A woman, who is transgender.

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T11:13:37+00:00

b) Vote honestly for your preferred candidate, even if they're a third party candidate. This hurts your ability to make a decision about the parties in charge since your vote won't have a real impact on the election outcome unless the third party happens to be close enough in votes to threaten one other party (in which case they're likely a spoiler party).

Since in the USA almost half of the voting population don't turn out to vote, and these are the least inspiring candidates of all time, i don't really get the idea that voting for a 3rd party is a 'waste'. Each political party gets about 25% of the overall vote while 50% don't vote at all, there's actually a lot of potential to get a third party in. Unfortunately none of them have done anything to mobilize support as far as I can see.

Maybe the solution is to vote for a conservative spoiler party and encourage other people to do that too?

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T11:09:25+00:00

I never understood people who don't vote before. Or worse people in Australia who do a Donkey Vote (because we have compulsory voting they go to the polling place, wait in line, get a ballot, go into the booth, and then just draw a dick and balls on it). Now i get it. I honestly don't see how I could either vote for biden or not vote against trump.

Have you considered getting blackout drunk and then voting so you don't have to remember exactly what you did?

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T10:57:00+00:00

You're right there are many parallels here.

As far as I know, hormone replacement therapy was a completely untested assumption. The assumption being that women's bodies are "broken" when they stop being fertile and they need to be "fixed" with artificial hormones. This has actually been a default assumption throughout medical history, that women's bodies need constant "fixing", my favorite quote on the topic is that the doctors behave "as if god didn't know how to make a woman properly."

It was also related to the fixation on youth and youthfulness and achieving that through artificial means, as if we could 'pause' the aging process. You could think of HRT as "menopause blockers".

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T06:17:13+00:00

It matters a lot to me to have someone recognize that parents can fail but it doesn't mean they are supposed to be ignored to the rest of our lives because they are bad parents

We don't get perfect people in our lives. Just people. You wont get a perfect mother, perfect friend, perfect husband etc. All just regular people who try their best.

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T06:14:37+00:00

I do feel like I'm wasting my youth

It's a terrible feeling. I sometimes have the feeling that I'm wasting time. It is so precious. Go and have fun, doing anything. And if you don't know how to have fun, just go out and be around other people. Have experiences, even if they're all bad ones it's still worthwhile.

...she's more woman than me

Woman isn't a scale. You can't be more or less. My mentor (70+) says to me "There's no wrong way, only your way."

That bra story, oof. Yeah I get it. I wish you had a cool aunt or someone who could take you. Bra sizes are pretty variable depending on cut. They're supposed to be a "measurement" but there's a lot of wiggle in different styles. I tried on 10 recently before i found one that fitted properly, and needed different sizes in different brands. I know it's a bit too intimidating to go into a lingerie store for a fitting. There are online fit guides you can look at. Basically get the band comfortable first so that it's going straight around and not pulling up at the back or digging in too tight, then try different cup sizes (A, B, C etc) with the same band size. And it's just about what's comfortable to you. if it's technically not how it's supposed to fit but it feels and looks great, buy that one. And try the lingerie section of a bigger store like a walmart, that way it won't specify what you're buying. Your parents are a bit weirdly uncomfortable about normal stuff like underwear lol. I'm guessing you have a large cup and small band? They can be hard to find.

everyone else belongs more than I

Haha, i just had a discussion with a friend recently about being a teenager and always feeling like there was a massive party happening off somewhere where the cool people all go and you were the only one not invited, but since I've been an adult I've never met anyone who was actually AT that awesome party, I've only ever met people who were also 'not invited'. In reality its just a pretty universal feeling. It's made worse today by the internet and people not actually going and connecting with each other. You can have 1000 online friendships and you'll still feel very alone. Real life friendships are irreplaceable.

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T04:12:13+00:00

There was a great online discussion of this but i know i'll never find it so i'll try to summarize from memory.

A) there is not much of a difference between mens and womens brains in structure or function. The few things that are genuinely different between the sexes (e.g. total brain size) are not different between men and TIMs.

B) There are small differences in brain function related to sexual orientation and as a lot of trans are also gay any study which doesn't control for this is worthless.

But more importantly:

C) If all brains are a mixed bag of characteristics, we would expect TIMs to have more 'feminine' brains and TIFs to have more 'masculine' brains. They've just got cause and effect backwards. You're comparing TIMs to "cis" women, not to women, so you're skewing your results before you even start. Assume that the brains of both sexes are equally on a simple spectrum from masculine to feminine. Then exclude the most "masculine" 10% of women (TIFs) and the most "feminine" 10% of men (TIMs) from the control groups. Now you're artificially created a difference in the average between the two sexes that didn't really exist, and when you compare the TIMs you'll find they of course have more in common with the women, while the TIFs have more in common with the males. That's the same criteria you used to pick the groups and subjects in the first place.

D) In order to argue that TIMs have lady brains you have to say "All women have X brain type, while all men are born with Y brain type. And when a man is born with X brain type it means - " record scratch you've undermined your starting assumptions. At best what these studies are doing is confirming that the brains of males and females both exist on a spectrum with at least some overlap between the sexes. Which...duh.

E) If it was possible to use a brain scan to tell someones identity it would be required before undergoing transition, and those without proof of "ladybrain" would be denied hormones and surgery. The same way if my cancer test comes back negative I don't get chemo anyway just on my say so. They can't have it both ways, it's either a physical condition or a spiritual belief.

F) Brains are plastic. If you take half of all kids and teach them engines and the other half baking, don't be surprised if you can pick up some small average difference between the groups. TIMs are typically forcing themselves into the same female stereotype role that is forced on all women and girls, so it's not weird if they share some small average difference in a particular trait.

And all of this is besides the point. I'm not saying a TIF can't genuinely feel girly inside his brain, I'm saying that doesn't matter one little bit to anything. He's still a man.

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T01:24:34+00:00

Literally no one has ever suggested underpants checks at the door.

What is LEGAL and what happens IN PRACTICE are different. Legally, I'm not allowed to swerve around an animal on the road. I still do, and should, but the law exists so that if I cause an accident saying "I saw a bird" isn't a defense.

When it's not LEGAL for any man to be in a woman's bathroom, any hypothetically passing TIM can use it. And be actually safer because there are no "cis men" getting in. Women do not, in practice, stop butch looking women and demand to see their genitals. We don't question anyone because the chance that we're wrong would be humiliating to all parties. But when a TIM or 'cis male' is creeping women out we're able to get them removed because the law is clear about which side it's on. The law exists so that a creep can't use "i feel like a girl today" as a defense.

When it is made legal for any man to use the women's bathrooms, there is no way to remove a creep. There could be 10 men in there making sexual threats to you, and you can't make them leave or even report it. You're the bigot if you do. You can't prove what they said or did, you can't prove 'creepy'. The law's stance is "get raped first, then i might care. IF you can prove it." Literally every rapist and pedophile is allowed in women's bathrooms. Allowed to hang out in there all day long if they like, until AFTER they've been proven to have committed a crime. And once they get out of prison they can use them again. In practice the result is that all vulnerable women are excluded form all public bathrooms and therefore have limited access to public spaces.

The next town over from me houses a protection prison, i.e. lots of pedophiles get released from there and walk straight into the community. Ask that woman next time, how many of them she thinks should be able to hang out in the women's public toilets without being questioned?

jelliknight · 2020-10-21T01:10:37+00:00

Look I honestly don't have a problem with a transwoman in a womans bathroom with me.

But:

A) I'm picturing a single, semi-passing transwoman, in a very public space like a mall bathroom. I'm not picturing 6 bikers hanging out by the sinks in a pub bathroom, combing their beards, talking about fucking sluts, while very drunk lone young women have to push past them in order to pee. I'm not picturing two creepy fellas with pedophile glasses at a highway rest stop, happily inviting me to come in. But they're equally allowed in as long as they momentarily self identify as female. Even I wouldn't put myself in that situation, i'd go home or go somewhere else to find a safer bathroom and that is the problem. Men in women's toilets limits women's access to public spaces.

B) I don't mind the idea of a single TIM because I'm a physically large woman with no history of victimization and who's not afraid to make a scene if the situation calls for it. I don't get to make that choice on behalf of every teen, elder woman, disabled woman, religious woman, timid woman, injured or weak woman, woman with young children, and survivor. If even ONE of them is less likely to use the bathroom because there's a man in it then it's misogynistic. Women's bathrooms exist specifically for vulnerable women to ensure they can access public spaces. If all bathrooms became mixed sex, I'd still use them but there are women who wouldn't or who would use them less. That is the problem. The actual assaults aren't honestly the biggest issue for me, the increased danger of assaults will impact vulnerable women's behavior with a much for far reaching consequence.

C) Bathrooms are a trojan horse. It's also change rooms, dormitories, prisons etc which are a whole other kettle of fish.

D) If me and the woman you're talking to are so comfortable with men then the obvious solution is to write "Mixed sex, All gender" on the men's toilets. Boom. Problem solved. Identity affirmed. She can go in there to piss and show how woke she is while vulnerable women can still be safe. In reality if you did that almost every woman would still choose to use the women only bathroom. Because we are more comfortable with that. And our comfort matters.

jelliknight · 2020-10-09T13:27:43+00:00

I avoid female only spaces while everyone here thinks they are the answer to all women's problems. I don't fit.

When feminists exclude lazy, messy, chaotic, aggressive, loud, cynical, social inept women we can pretend women are all super organised, hard working, socially astute, responsible saints

There are better women only spaces to be in. They're worth finding.

jelliknight · 2020-10-09T13:25:38+00:00

You're allowed to tell her how you feel.

jelliknight · 2020-10-04T16:28:26+00:00

Continued:

Yes, that absolutely makes sense. Adults can unknowingly project their own insecurities onto their kids. It sounds like you have really good parents who are trying, but they are also in a culture which expects certain things of them. Your mum asking you to shave your armpits is not because SHE wants you to be hairless but because she's in her own compromise between wanting to let you express yourself and wanting to meet other peoples expectations of a Good Mother who raised Good Kids. And even though your parents are pretty open about what's "for girls" and "for boys" am I right in thinking that their social group and community (especially church) is a bit more strict? That's going to trickle through no matter how much you and they try to stop it. As I got older I've learned that my parents dealt with a whole lot of crap, and passed maybe 1% of it on to me. My mother was raised in a christian household with pretty firm ideas about what it means to be a Good Woman, but she didn't put those expectations on me, though i did embarrass her with my 'tomboy' ways sometimes and that made me feel self conscious. She did the best she could with what she was given, and I'll do the same when i have kids. It sounds weird but there's a philosophy about intergenerational trauma and intergenerational healing. Our parents often pass their own traumas or problems on to us, and we pass it on to our kids too. It goes on until it gets to someone strong enough to stop the cycle. But it works backwards as well, when you heal yourself from your mother/grandmother/greatgrandmother's pain, it forgives and frees them. You don't see it yet but when you're a rad independent woman, living life how you want regardless of other people's expectations your mother is going to be so happy that you're free that it will free her too.

Period stuff is SO important! it's normal to be uncomfortable about it, it's Taboo even in the most mainstream progressive parts of society. But it's a part of you, an important part, that you're going to be dealing with for a long time so it's really important to get in tune with it. I hear good things about Our Bodies, Ourselves, and i also think you should look into fertility awareness, just because i think every young woman should learn about her own body.

It's totally normal to not be able to or comfortable using tampons, for a bunch of different reasons. I had problems with this when i was young because I had what's called a Septate Hymen which is where there's a band of tissue that bridges across the vagina and makes two smaller openings. The band itself has no sensation, but if it pulls it hurts. So removing tampons was really tricky and painful. I spent a lot of my teen years just feeling like a weirdo, and eventually learned what it was, and then got it removed a few years ago (painless, didn't even need a local anesthetic). It's just a thing that happens sometimes. There are lots of variations of this, including microperforate hymens where the hole is so small that period can get out but nothing can get in. Get a mirror and open up google, and you will be able to figure out for yourself if it's something like that. There's also a condition called vaginismus which is where your body reacts to the sensation by tensing and clamping down so its hard to insert anything. But tampons are also kind of tricky in general because they absorb your natural lubrication as you try to insert them and they always sort of turn off target for me, if you want to try using them start with ones with applicator tubes and a slim fit. See, this is why we've got to talk about this stuff! Most things have a very simple solution and literally half the population has already been through the struggles of tampons. BTW, i don't use them at all any more. I use cups and pads. I only ever used them if i was swimming or something on a heavy day. You can PM me if you want to talk more specifics about this in private.

I can't go a cycle without staining any and all pairs of underwear I use during it, I can't go two cycles (or one, even) without staining my sheets, or a pair of PJ pants.

Feel this. So hard. I call it 'making japanese flags' and it still happens to me. Usually your period will settle down a bit as you get older and providing you stay away from hormonal contraceptives (in my experience they make flow heavier) but it's also perfectly normal and healthy to have a heavy flow. Long term i think you'll want to figure out how to use cups as you get a longer time of use out of them and they leak less than any other method. They're tricky though, so you want to be on good terms with your vagina first. Hot tip - you don't need a bathroom to change a pad, your tent will do. You can even do it without taking your pants down in any private corner providing you're not wearing like skinny jeans or something. As for stain, cold water and Sard Wonder Soap. I don't know if it's sold where you are but it's bar soap for cleaning and it's miraculous. Rub it on, rub the cloth against itself, rinse, and you'll get rid of the stain. This is also handy if you ever commit a murder and need to get rid of the evidence. Happy to keep chatting, no time pressure xx

jelliknight · 2020-10-04T16:28:13+00:00

I have a friend who works at a place who makes her wear a dress? What could I do if I were there?

As i said before, a lot of things you do will be a negotiation between what you want, what you need, and what other people want from you, and you have to draw your own line on how much you're willing to compromise. In most countries it's not actually legal to require women to wear dresses specifically, so if you live in one of those you could start with an e-mail to HR about the guidelines being a breech of equality law, (I'm just looking out for the company!), and they need to offer pants as an option. Or contract your union, it's their job to fight these battles for you. Or, you could simply wear thick leggings under the dress and a jacket over it, so you're more comfortable without making too many waves. You could talk to a boss or a senior person who seems cool and ask them about changing the requirements. But because I'm older, I'm more financially secure, and I'm experienced at being stubborn now I'd probably just buy business pants and a top that matches everyone else's uniforms in color and style and just start wearing it. This is what I mean when i talk about acting as if the rules don't apply to you. If challenged, i'd just say that I don't wear dresses and none of their offerings fit me properly, and I'm wearing professional attire that meets the dress codes. If they pushed, I'd make it an issue of sex discrimination, let them fire me, and then make a legal claim. They probably wouldn't because firing you and going through a court case is way more work than adding pants to the dress code. But it is a risk, which is why I say you have to pick your own line and I probably wouldn't make the same calls in every similar situation.

Something similar to this actually did happen to me. I worked on a mine site where you were required to wear a specific type of work pants. However, they were only provided in mens sizings. Because i have wide hips only the biggest mens sizes fit over them, and the pants were like clown pants around my waist and legs. So i just refused and wore my own jeans. Broke the uniform rules, and probably some OHS codes, but no one said a word for years, and when they did i just replied that the other pants don't fit me and im fine wearing my own. Later, when there was more women working there we were able to start ordering women's cuts.

Shaving is not a requirement. If you don't want to, don't. I don't get comments on it whether i shave or not. I take a pretty laid back approach to it, i shave if i feel like it and not if i don't, and the people around me seem to follow that sort of 'whatever' vibe.

I wanted to go in shorts like everyone else. I dreaded doing it though, I dreaded both shaving because my parents could see and comment, and I dreaded not shaving because I might have been seen totally different. I think that people will think things like...

My heart breaks for you and all other girls. You realize that this fear is not natural, it was taught to you as a way of making money? Darling, it's just hair, it grows back. Shave or don't shave, let people make their comments for or against whatever you do. But whatever you choose to do with your hair please wear the shorts and go for the swim. Life is short, youth is much shorter. Don't waste your precious time in fear of what other people might say about some tiny little hairs. As a compromise, you could try clippers and trim the hair without shaving it. It'll look like you're always a day or two after shaving and you'll get less itch growing back.

and I know people find it odd and even laugh and joke about it on her back - they accept that she doesn't abide by the rules, but they still can't help but judge and comment. This is what I'm afraid of, as well. I don't find her particularly flattering, but I know women who I do find flattering with short hair.

Oh people are absolutely joking and openly negative about my hair, behind my back and to my face. And it's not particularly flattering on me. I used to live in the tropics and kept my long hair in a pony tail ever day and one day i just realized how ridiculous it was. Every single day i'm washing it and brushing it, all just so I can tie it away for the whole day. What's the point? Might as well just cut it off. And it feels physically good, shampooing short hair. It dries quick, it doesn't get caught in stuff, it doesn't knot, it's great. When people I'm close to are negative about it I tell them "if you want to come to my house every morning and wash it and braid it for me, I'll grow it out. Otherwise you're asking me to do work every single day for something YOU want to look at. If you want it long, you look after it. No? That's what i thought." I don't care if it's flattering or not, I'm not looking at it all day. I would bet there's plenty of people making jokes behind my back but they're all too chicken to say it to my face ;) so who cares?

To be continued...

jelliknight · 2020-10-04T15:09:43+00:00

Yes, we shouldn't have to fight and i hate the medical profession too. I don't have a good solution just know that you pain is shared among every woman and more than a few men.

I don't want to hurt people, though. I don't want to be hurt, but I don't want to hurt others either. I don't feel comfortable with that.

I think of it from the point of view of wanting to be able to defend others. If I see a man abducting a child or assaulting a woman, i want to feel able to intervene and not a helpless bystander. You don't have to carry a weapon i don't, it was just a suggestion. It's not dumb to recognize danger, but then you have to make a plan. FYI unlike other martial arts Krav Maga is non-competitive because I involves things like groin and eye strikes so if you went to learn it you wouldn't ever have to 'spar' against someone, not really, you just practice the motions and skills. But there are also purely defensive martial arts and skills you could learn.

jelliknight · 2020-10-04T15:04:44+00:00

And consider a kid who's been taught to obey or 'be nice' vs a kid who's been taught that you're allowed to leave and come home any time someone makes you feel uncomfortable and when you feel like you're in danger you're allowed to shout, kick and break things.

jelliknight · 2020-10-03T11:41:03+00:00

It's benefiting from being so far under the radar here.

jelliknight · 2020-10-03T11:32:36+00:00

Where do you think women's leagues came from? Many have been grass roots organized by women. It's just that now we're losing legal and organisational standing to say no to men.

They do need to say no, and to make a public spectacle if they're pressured. Unfortunately we are still having to fight to get recognition so threatening to deny the establishment the benefit of women's sports won't get us anywhere. Unlike male sports, we had to kick the door down and force our way in. Us leaving isn't a threat, it's what the establishment wants.

What they need to do it all go on to the field, and then sit down and refuse to play. Same with female lifters competing against Laurel Hubbard - take the stage, and then refuse to lift. It's a big personal cost to women who've already had to fight too hard to get where they are. It'd be good if the men supported us by doing the same thing.

jelliknight · 2020-10-03T11:20:50+00:00

You get to pick one. Either being gender affirmed is important enough that male prisoners can be put in women's prisons based on gender feels, or prisoner safety is more important and female prisoners can't be housed with males regardless of the female persons gender identity. PICK. ONE. Is gender identity crucial enough to override safety concerns or not?

jelliknight · 2020-10-03T11:16:22+00:00

Yeah, because we were never consulted. It's been kept very quiet.

jelliknight · 2020-10-03T11:13:59+00:00

We should just put a sign up that says "Cooch Rags". Blunt, to the point, and gender neutral ;)

jelliknight · 2020-09-29T05:57:15+00:00

Not even put on a dress, just say they feel girly. Exactly how does this expose them to a higher risk of assault?

jelliknight · 2020-09-26T05:41:53+00:00

Resources used in teaching about this topic must always be age-appropriate and evidence based.

There's no evidence that "gender identity" even exists, at all. Let alone that you could have the "wrong one" or that it ought to "match" your sex. So gender theory is out of schools totally, then?

jelliknight · 2020-09-26T05:38:17+00:00

"Karen" is a misogynistic slur. Like all slurs, it has no real definition. A "Karen" is any woman not doing what I want her to be doing. Asking for a manager makes you a Karen. Sending food back makes you a Karen. Anything other than total compliance makes you a Karen. They always start with the worst examples and then gradually broaden the definition until it's every woman.

jelliknight · 2020-09-26T05:20:49+00:00

Good ideas for the medical strategies, but... do you really do that?

I'm learning to. I takes practice but it gets easier. Medical professionals are a service industry. They're there to do what you want and need. They forget that a lot, so you have to remind yourself. I've cried after medical appointments recently too. The medical industry has never taken women's pain or concerns seriously. It's not just you, it's not personal. They're like that to every woman. Practice the lines in your head until they're natural.

Self defense strategies do work. The right ones. Karate is a bit bullshit, but Krav Maga is pretty reliable. Anything that gives you confidence is worthwhile In reality, hitting back, screaming, or fighting at all makes you more trouble than you're worth to almost every attacker. I did a women's self defense class years ago which was very practical, i've tried it out on my husband and he's really strong and they absolutely do work. They teach you how to twist out of any grip, which spots to hit, how to get out if someone's on top of you or grabbing you etc.

You could have a knife or gun too, you could get licensed. Not saying that you should but if it's a real concern that's preventing you from living your life, you could. But Krav Maga teaches gun, knife, and blunt instrument defenses too.

jelliknight · 2020-09-24T07:00:47+00:00

If words don't mean anything, then yes.

jelliknight · 2020-09-24T06:27:02+00:00

My hope is that Ovarit will expand to other topics like parenting, crafts and so on. We will never be welcome on reddit or twitter, they're even shutting us down on mumsnet. We need our own space. Then, we need to invite everyone else in too. The discussions have to be had there or they can't be had at all, so we do need to let everyone in at some point (while reserving the GC spaces and some feminist spaces for ourselves)

jelliknight · 2020-09-23T09:02:53+00:00

Being uncomfortable with men giving you pet names is normal. The only men who've done it to me are either 80 or being condescending assholes. It's good that it sends up a red flag for you. Your analysis of it putting in place a hierarchy is correct and a very mature and advanced observation. I'm impressed. Hot tip for later in life: Do it back but more. He calls you "sweetheart" call him "kitten", he calls you "love" call him "Honey Shnookums". Works well for an adult workplace if you want to draw attention to him being condescending and flip the hierarchy without being labelled "difficult". Don't do it unless you feel physically safe, of course.

You can be afraid of being condescended at or humiliated. That's justified. Fear isn't reserved only for physical danger. The reason for asking is that if the majority of your fear is related to that and not to physical fear, you can come up with a bunch of good strategies to use if it does happen. In my experience fear goes away when you have a plan already practiced.

Being taken less seriously in medical settings is a genuine concern and again, it's something you should practice strategies for. I'm having to do that right now. For example, you should always ask "Why are you suggesting that?" "Is that the standard treatment?" "What is that based on?" and say things line "I'm not agreeing to anything right now, I'll get back to you." "If you're declining to do the test I'm requesting, I need you to record it in my chart while I watch and give me a copy. Please note that I request it based on X and Y and your reason for denying it."

Unfortunately we do live in a sexist world, but mostly that just calls us to a higher level.

Sorry that you had that experience growing up. Children shouldn't be physically afraid of their parents. I'm sure that does have an impact in how you perceive men going forward. You're right, it is important that men know how to control their emotions, more so than women. It's just the facts. We had a chihuahua that bit people, but a mastiff can't be allowed to get away with any sort of aggression, it's too dangerous. There are men out there who know this though.

Your fears are all valid. The next thing you should ask yourself is what can you do about it? You can stand up against workplace bullying and harassment, you can learn self defense skills that are effective (Krav Maga and Judo give an advantage to women) and women can physically defeat men. There was an MMA match between a 'transwoman' and a woman, and the woman won. In a street fight situation where you only need to get away it's totally possible to defend yourself.

Don't be sorry! I'm enjoying our conversation. You're a real smart cat

jelliknight · 2020-09-23T08:39:24+00:00

I'm ultimately interested in everything and anything, or at least most things.

That's awesome. Me too, I get really deep into things. Btw if you have trouble with some maths, Khan Academy has good resources.

I want to understand where they come from. I still can't help but think they might have a foundation of truth.

This is great! You sound like a budding philosopher! My personal motto is "everyone has something to teach you, even if it's just a scone recipe." Some of the best information or perspectives comes from the most unexpected sources. E.g. on coding, I feel like learning weaving has taught me more about computer coding than anything else (I could never get into coding either, it just seems so abstract, but in weaving the strings take binary position, up or down, and they're grouped in multiples of 4, 8, 16 or 32. changing the sequence changes the pattern that shows up, and you can control the strings with punch cards. Looms were the first computers).

My personal rule on rule-breaking (taught to me by my father) is that you can break any rule as long as you know for sure exactly why the rule is there.

I don't think you're as easily influenced as you think you are. You're adaptable, willing to learn, willing to listen, willing to experiment and try things. If anything that makes you resilient to influence. When you listen to all different opinions, it's going to be hard for anyone to force you or trick you into any particular one. For example, since you've been here no one will be able to convince you that "TERFs are evil and want trans people to die" whereas a lot of people your age wouldn't even come here, so they can be easily convinced of something that isn't true.

If I am wondering if I should report someone who mistreated me, I will need to vent and ask for advice, because I don't want to do the wrong thing and I need guidance and support and to know if I thought right.

this is totally normal. We often call our most trusted people in similar situations for guidance. I'm 31 and I ask my friends for guidance on situations all the time and they ask me. Because we can make mistakes and misinterpret things and it's good to get an outside perspective. It doesn't make you weak or easily influenced. Again, it makes you less likely to be influenced because if you're in doubt you'll check.

I am exactly the same with decisions. I put a lot of effort into checking things out, checking and weighing every options. On the one hand it means that i never regret my choices because i know for sure that they were the right ones, but it's also exhausting. I'm getting better at letting go of things that don't matter as much but it's ok for you to want to consider everything before choosing.

Honestly, at 31 I'm staring to wonder if I have some degree of Autism too. I vibe with pretty much everything you've said, and I've noticed a few other things that people now tell me aren't actually normal. But I don't think it matters. If I do have it I'm high-functioning enough that it's barely noticeable. It doesn't matter if you are autistic or not, you are in control of your mind and your thoughts.

You seem like a really cool person. Genuinely, I think I'd really like to hang out with you. I don't think you need to be afraid of yourself. Follow your mind and your heart and your courage wherever it leads you. You're going to do great things!

jelliknight · 2020-09-22T00:10:34+00:00

I do shave off my body hair. I also have an undercut. When my leg hair is long i find it rubs uncomfortably on the cuffs of my boots and pants, and underarm hair can pull too sometimes if it's long enough. I feel more physically comfortable (not like I'm fitting in) when it's short, just like my head hair. I don't worry about hiding it, I shave less than once a week, but I do shave it if it gets long and irritates me. I tried using clippers but that was way more uncomfortable.

But what power do I have to make the world fit me?

You'd be surprised. There's a quote from Terry Pratchett (which you should definitely read) "if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you." If you just be relentlessly who you are, the world will have to reorganize itself to fit around you.

Doesn't that have consequences? In the job market for instance?

I find it works in my favor. I went into male dominated STEM field and 'not being girly' and being willing to say "no" and "that's not right" helped me fit in and get respect right away. A lot of things you do will be a negotiation between what other people expect and what you want. Something that worked well for me is wearing 'natural' make up to a job interview and then gradually reducing it over the first week or two to nothing. It never gets brought up because that's how they're used to seeing me. Sometime you do have to play the system a little. For weddings, there is an expectation but there are also work arounds. If you really object to wearing a dress, pants and a nice shirt are also acceptable. But if you don't really mind, then there's no harm complying for one day. A wedding was the last time I wore a dress.

They comment on your short hair. On you having to please your imaginary future husband.

You need some sassy older women around you. I have an undercut and no one ever comments on it, but that might be because I kind of have an overall vibe of Woman Doing Exactly What She Wants. You're not wrong, they are. Get sassy about it. "It is short, and later it will grow, and then later I'll cut it again. It's hair, that's how it works." "Mmm, I don't think I'd marry a man who's that shallow." "I'm probably not getting married, my current plan is to be a lonely sea captain."

I've always cared so much and wanted to please others

It sounds like you've been raised with the standard female socialization. Your needs and opinions don't matter, put everyone else first, comply at all costs. Just know that those aren't actual rules. There is no punishment for not obeying and no reason to obey. You do more for the world by being completely yourself. You were born with a unique set of traits and now have a unique set of experienced and perspectives. We need you, we don't need a fake version of what someone else thinks you should be. Speak out loud, we want to hear what you think. As for causing swirls, another Terry Pratchett quote: "If you ain't making waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!" I'm not saying you have to rebel against your family completely as a teen but yes you should absolutely be willing to make waves. That's what they call it when you're having an effect on the world. Do it all the time!

How do I make the world fit me when every girl and boy goes swim and I can't because I'm on my period?

Who the hell told you you can't swim on your period? That's some nonsense right there. First, tampon and cups work great even in the water. Second, if you have a light flow you don't even need to use those. Swim away! I love festival too, and you should definitely go to them. You will manage the hygiene. Our genitals are not a bomb waiting to detonate, they don't need as much maintenance as you'd been told. Pads and a daily wet wipe (full body) will be plenty.

I feel like you've been raised in a very strict christian household? Go to festivals, find older, rad women, and ask them for advice or mentoring straight up. We all remember being young and trying to find our feet, we'll help you. I'd be flattered as all heck if a young woman came up to me and said they wanted to learn how to be more like me.

jelliknight · 2020-09-21T23:43:15+00:00

The reason I asked if you want to be 'pretty' or 'accepted' is because they kind of mean the same thing. In some places in Africa "pretty" means distending your lip with a huge disc, or stretching your neck with rings. In China it used to mean mutilated tiny feet. "Pretty" means "meeting the current standards to be acceptable as a female." Pretty is such a low bar, darling. You can be so much more than pretty.

You ought to be comfortable in how you look. Something I like to do that helped me separate what I like from what other people like is to imagine myself in the Zombie Apocalypse. What would I want to look like than, with no other people around? Of course, how you look isn't the most important thing but you get to control it, so in what way would I want to control it? I think i'd want to wear leggings with a heavy skirt over them - comfortable and good for mobility. I'd wear boots, a singlet and jacket or vest, and keep my hair relatively short. I might wear rings or bangles, because i look at my arms all day, but i definitely wouldn't bother with make up. It's just an exercise to help you distance yourself from either complying with or rebelling against other peoples expectations and get closer to who you REALLY are and what you really like.

Hair is just hair. It grows back so go crazy with it. Worst case scenario, you wear a hat for a few weeks ;)

jelliknight · 2020-09-21T23:34:13+00:00

Nightmares are unpleasant but they're important. It's your brains way of working through hypothetical or metaphorical scenarios so that you can figure out a good solution. The nightmares will likely continue until you find a course of action that makes you feel able to cope with that scenario. So when you wake up from a nightmare, think about what might have worked, what you could have done differently to get a different outcome. Hopefully, next time you have a nightmare you will automatically try the new plan. Your brain is trying to prepare you and protect you.

Afraid of sexism, what do you mean by that? Afraid of people thinking less of you because you're a woman, or afraid of being hurt?

Why are you afraid of men? What experiences have led you to feel this way? It's not irrational but I have a really great father, and now a good husband so I don't feel a generalized fear of men. Women who've had mostly very negative experiences with specific men tend to be the ones who have a general fear of all men. It's not irrational, it's your experience. But if you do have negative experiences in your history it's worth confronting them, because it is still making your daily life unpleasant.

You don't need to be afraid of being obsessed and irrational. You're aware of the possibility, so you'll check yourself. Being afraid of trans people specifically more than men is not irrational either.

That doesn't sound silly at all, it's very reasoned and impressively philosophical. You're correct, these are the foundations of who you are that can't be changed. Knowing where you stand is the first step to getting where you want to go.

Social pressure is hard for everyone, especially young people. You're very normal in this. Focus less on people and more on action. Think about what things you want to do in your life. Go mountain climbing? Learn to fix engines? Travel? Be around animals? Take a guess at a few things you might like and get involved in those activities in person. If you don't work out, pick something else. You've got plenty of time but start now on building a wonderful life. Contrary to what most people believe, self confidence doesn't come from affirmations and positive thinking (mostly) it comes from learning real practical skills that you know are valuable.

hanging out with people who are less certain than me that I am a woman, could make me feel less right.

I think you've got some internal work to do on learning where the boundaries between your feelings and other people's feelings are. Lots of us grow up in household where we're taught to mix them up, look after each other's feelings, base our feelings in theirs and so on. It's not very healthy. What someone else thinks you are shouldn't change what YOU think you are. It will take a bit of work and time to build up a solid idea of who you are.

You did so well digging deep here! That's level 1. Now you need a level 2 explanation: "I know i'm prone to absorbing other people's interests and wanting to fit in with them as well." Why do you think this is, and where did it start? Is it something you have control of? Obviously feeling like merely being exposed to someone else can change your fundamental nature is scary and unsettling. But how true is it? Are you more or less susceptible to influence than other people are, and how can you find out?

jelliknight · 2020-09-21T14:05:24+00:00

I've never been asked, but your play is a good one. Just ignore the question.

If it's pointed out "Oh hey you didn't give your pronouns". "I know."

"Oh so what are your pronouns?" "I'm not doing that."

Being slightly more stubborn than the other person is an amazingly versatile life skill. You're not doing anything wrong. You have nothing to be afraid of. And i imagine there'll be a lot of other people kicking themselves for not thinking of it first.

jelliknight · 2020-09-21T13:53:19+00:00

I have a friend who not only didn't shave, she also dyed her armpit hair bright pink or green. When you let it grow natural, people may assume that you've just forgotten or been lazy. Ironically, making it more obvious meant it was more accepted because it was 100% clear that she planned it and wasn't going to change based on some weirdos comment.

Can someone really feel that they fit in the world?

You're aiming too low, my dear. Make the world fit you.

jelliknight · 2020-09-21T13:50:03+00:00

because I hate when my family comments on my hair and I want to be pretty.

Do you want to be pretty or do you want to be accepted? Those are different things.

It sounds like you're struggling under the weight of a lot of spoken and unspoken sexist expectations.

Repeat this mantra: "My body did not come with terms and conditions."

There is no "wrong" way to be a woman. Everything you do is exactly what a woman does and should do. You make it so by doing it.

I do think you need some rad women as inspiration. I know a 70+ year old 5ft0 woman who has short hair and still rides motorcycles around the nation, solo. She's not a 'butch dyke'. She is a widow. She just doesn't give a fuck.

Being a cool and self confident woman takes practice, so start early ;) Yes, a lot of people will be crappy to you, nothing you can do about that, but it's worth it to be happy with yourself.

jelliknight · 2020-09-21T13:41:41+00:00

You said 'it's all very scary'. What's scary?

You sound pretty young still, I'm 31. Let me give you my best advice that i learned in all the years since I was a teen:

You can't afford to be afraid of the inside of your own mind. You're going to be living in it for the rest of your life. Don't let anything slither off and lurk in the corners and make you afraid to look back there.

Whatever hurts to think about, that's what you need to think about. Whatever scares you to consider, you need to consider it. We have an instinct to avoid something that hurts, and so we let negative and harmful thoughts scab over and become infectious, poisoning the rest of our thoughts and feelings. Whenever you feel that mental urge to 'look away' because it hurts, instead you need to dig in, pick the scab off, and get down the root of the problem. It's only then that you can heal properly.

I'll workshop it with you it you like, but in general just keep asking your mind for more and better explanations. What's 'very scary'? Why is it scary? And then why that, and where does that come from, and is there any proof, and so on.

jelliknight · 2020-09-21T13:26:12+00:00

Your feelings of frustration, disappointment and disgust are not only valid, they seem absolutely reasonable and proportionate.

He's your mother's ex husband? Sounds like she feels obligated to keep him around and act as a support to him. Are you obligated to maintain contact with him?

The guy is a more than a little unstable (sane adults know not to joke about kidnapping children) and has more than a few fetishes that he likes to involve other people in, unwillingly. If you feel unsafe around him at any point, you should trust that feeling. However, if you feel ok, that may be genuine too. Your gut is pretty reliable, listen to it and not to what others think you should do. But even if you feel safe around him now, if you ever do feel fear act immediately. Don't hesitate or second guess it. Get yourself to safety, even if you have to break a window, run to a police station, and cause a scene. Your safety is more important.

It's wrong that he took your sister's name. It's a violation and (gross) it's part of his fetish. He wants to be a baby, and a girl, and he named himself after a girl he's known since she was a baby - that is not a coincidence. It's wrong that he's trying to rub it in your faces.

You're allowed to not spend time with people who make you uncomfortable. Not everyone is worth your time. However, it sounds like he probably comes around a lot and isn't someone you can easily avoid. Can you tell your mum that's he's making you uncomfortable and that you'd like to limit the amount of time you two have to spend in the same room? Maybe she can give you a head up when he's coming over and you can just happen to be at a friend's place? If not, I suggest:

Give your sister a rad nickname like "Ace" or "Bandit" and call her that so he can't rub it in your faces that he's taken her name.
Don't talk about "girly" stuff in front of him, and if he brings it up say "Eh, I'm not really interested in that."
Point out when he's being overtly sexist (if you feel safe to disagree with him). It's ok. It's good practice for later in life. Eg. "real girls have to watch their weight" "I don't know, that just sounds like 50s sexism to me. Young women need to fuel their bodies too." or just "sounds a bit sexist."

Right now he's getting a "fix" from being "girly" with you. Cut off that supply.

In reality women and girls do everything that men do. We eat, we wear boxers, we get dirty, we play sport and we fart. Don't let him make you feel wrong for being a full person and not a cartoon.

Look up the Grey Rock method. This guy is deliberately making you uncomfortable in a situation he knows you are stuck in, because he likes to watch your discomfort and make you do what he wants. You're his little puppet. Whether you go along with it, ignore it, confront it, or get uncomfortable and try to avoid it, he will enjoy that he made you have that reaction. So be the grey rock. The grey rock has no strong opinions about anything. It doesn't react. It can't be teased or provoked. It's totally uninteresting. If you go the Grey Rock method, everything he says can be responded to with a half shrug and "Eh. Ok." It'll be written off as you being a moody teen but when the game gets boring enough he'll stop playing.

BTW "medical tests have shown that he is 80% female" is once of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. Brittle bones doesn't make you a woman either.

Good luck, it's going to be tricky to navigate but hopefully you'll be grown and out of home soon and you can decide who you spend your time around.

jelliknight · 2020-09-18T04:29:53+00:00

My friends wouldn't stand for my true viewpoints

They're not your friends. They are your fellow cult members. They WILL cut you off when you leave the cult, because that's how cults work.

For all the ranting I do on the internet, this is my real life. What can I do?

Speak to them one at a time, calmly make them explain their point of view. Say "Hey, I want to believe you, but what you're saying isn't making sense. Feelings aren't sex." and when they can't explain it say "well, i can't blindly believe something just because I'm told to. If you figure it out let me know."

You can't re-indoctrinate yourself once you see the light, sorry. Can't be done. You can put their lies in your mouth if you want but I promise it will taste disgusting and you'll hate yourself for it.

Join groups of older people and more practical groups, e.g. gardening, repair, and craft. It really is a small proportion who believe this shit, they're just concentrated in certain social groups.

jelliknight · 2020-09-18T04:21:21+00:00

Not american but i'd be writing in Bernie too.

jelliknight · 2020-09-12T13:48:52+00:00

You ought to start a youtube channel or something. You have a lot of valuable information to share, you could be making advertising $ right now ;)

jelliknight · 2020-09-12T13:47:28+00:00

Near me there's a women's bathroom which was built on land bought by a group of local women. Farmers would come in and go to the pub, which women weren't allowed in. They had no access to bathrooms, and had to just wait for their husbands. So they bought land and built some rooms which included bathrooms. Many public women's bathrooms started like this. Public bathrooms were in men-only spaces and women were disallowed, so women created their own.

jelliknight · 2020-09-12T13:37:16+00:00

Nup. I have a tendency of not giving an inch in an argument. It's really effective.

Explain what exactly I'm "phobic" of, and where I've shown that, or say you were wrong. Can't do that? Better believe I'm going to bring it up relentlessly until you do.

I throw definitions at them and watch my language. Saying people can't change sex isn't "phobic" it's factual.

Don't accept and say "well if believing men can't wish themselves into being female makes me transphobic, then fine i guess I am" because that will be just you admitting that you're a terrible bigotted person. Make them justify it.

jelliknight · 2020-09-12T13:31:30+00:00

Girl I hear ya. I saw the FTM acronym and thought "fuck there's a lot of them in this group!" lol.

PM me for venting. I'm a FTM still in my first trimester, haven't told anyone except husband and when i do I'm kind of planning to lie to everyone because I'm planning an unassisted home birth and I'm not interested in hearing The Opinions.

jelliknight · 2020-09-12T12:53:51+00:00

There was a really interesting one called the Sunday Assembly, which was intended to fill the social role of a church. You all get together, sing some ballads, listen to a talk on how we can be better people, then do some volunteer work. A good idea but it didn't really take off. Without hellfire to motivate people enthusiasm wanes. But if you're looking for yourself personally, gardening groups and repair cafes are great places. Very secular, very supportive, mix of ages and political affiliations so no one feels that they get to take it over for their particular cause, plus sometimes you get tomatoes.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:50:02+00:00

Yep. This generation is fucked but the next one ooooooooh brace yourself. They're going to be young children when this whole ideology collapses and learn very early on the perils of going along with the crowd. Generation of rebels.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:37:17+00:00

Are you in a small class where you're going to have to address and refer to this person often? Or are you lecturing? Or dealing with them directly?

You're probably going to be talking about this person in their presence far less often than you think, and when that comes up just use their name.

You may be picked up on it if you use pronouns where they can hear and if so just go "oh, ok." and carry on. If you forget to avoid pronouns right away and get picked up on it again just repeat "Oh, ok" and keep going. You're not refusing, you're just not able to alter your language and not willing to derail the discussion with a self flagellating apology that draws more attention and singles out the student.

To be honest, the non-binaries seem to be far less confrontational than the TIMs and probably won't pick you up on it at all. Just avoid them if you can.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:26:45+00:00

You know those illusions like where the elephant has 5 legs? Trans ideology is like that. If you look at any small bit, it's fine. If someone says "I need hormonal treatment because dysphoria is a medical condition", ok, that makes a sort of sense. If they say "you shouldn't try to change people opinions about being transgender, it's who we are, like being gay." that also makes sense. If you try to look at them both at the same time it becomes obvious that the whole thing is wrong.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:22:13+00:00

Sex should absolutely be added to the hate crimes legislation. The only reason is wasn't is because so many crimes would become hate crimes. Rape and domestic violence for example. Any crime directed against a random woman because she is female is a hate crime.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:17:20+00:00

We don't know for sure what advantages CAIS might confer, over being female. It's irrelevant anyway. Women are not defined by weakness or slowness, we are defined by being FEMALE and no one with CAIS is female.

The purpose of womens sports is to see how good WOMEN can be, to give WOMEN and GIRLS something to aspire to. It's more important than an individual success.

The answer is simple, Caster and people with CAIS can campaign for an all inclusive sports event, akin to the paralympics. We've fought to hard and long for womens sports to cede them to the .001% of males being discussed.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:13:07+00:00

It's a known fact that Caster is XY (these rules do not apply to any XX woman) and has very high levels of testosterone, i.e. functioning testes. His wife has also given birth to their child. No mention of a sperm donor and it is possible for males with many intersex conditions to be fertile.

jelliknight · 2020-09-11T04:04:28+00:00

Thank you! You're doing wonderful work.

Yet again, a man is being given the benefit of a sliver of manufactured doubt so he can screw over all women. Fuck this asshole, fuck the women supporting him and gaslighting other women.

jelliknight · 2020-09-08T02:52:56+00:00

Never forgive, never forget. And more importantly never allow them to sweep this whole time period under the rug. We need to force people to face what they did, the harms they caused, the obvious logical flaws the ignored. Because this time, honestly, it's relatively benign. Women and children have been harmed individually but the logic is so absurd it can't help but fail Next time it might be religion, or racial persecution. Something more immediately lethal or harder to disprove. We need to face what's been done to women and children over the past few years and how stupid the whole thing was so that we don't ever fall for it again. Every powerful group in the world will want to ignore it, or twist it. Keep the receipts and be ready to throw it back at them.

jelliknight · 2020-09-08T02:23:08+00:00

Is there something we can DO to fight back on this?

Be a pushy bitch. Say "I just said that", and "Thanks for repeating my idea for me". Be willing to cut people off if thats what they're doing to you, then just keep talking LOUDER AND MORE FIRMLY WHILE MAKING DIRECT EYE CONTACT until they yield and then talk normally again. Talk more often, don't wait and see if someone else wants to. If you're thinking something and there's a gap, throw it in. Doesn't matter if it's good or not.

You'd think it gets you treated badly but IME it gets you treated with respect. They might call you names behind your back, though.

Who cares if you're over reacting? Being assertive pays off regardless. If you are overcompensating then you end up being a leader. It seems like you're doing all the work anyway, fuck em, might as well grab the reigns.

In the hidden figures movie I got annoyed because they show Katherine as a shrinking violet waiting for the white man to save her. She gets shut out of a meeting and sulks in the hallway until he calls her in. In reality, to hear her tell it, she shoved her way through the door, picked up someone elses books and moved them out of the way and took a seat. They said "You can't be in here" and she said "It's my work. I'm staying." they said said "X was sitting there" she said "Well, I'm sitting here now." Boom. If you want to get ahead you're going to have to be a boss ass bitch.

jelliknight · 2020-09-08T02:11:48+00:00

Yeah me too. I'll vote liberal and I'll vomit all over the ballot while I'm doing it. We need a REAL women's party in Australia. It's not just the gender thing, there's plenty of other issues that don't see daylight because it's only women and no one gives a shit

jelliknight