ishutmyeyestosee

I did. I was born in the early 80s, so I had no concept of gender or gender identity or transitioning.

Starting around 5, I would cry to my parents about wanting to be a boy - a few things happened around then that may have contributed, I had learned my parents had expected a boy because the ultrasounds indicated one, I started playing sports, and I started playing video games, especially roleplaying games that involved heroic men saving princesses.

It was a 24/7 thing. I'd say things like "if I'm a tomboy, then I am a boy - it's part of the word" (ironic to have a 5 year old's logic thrown back in my face by trans activists today). I'd go to bed praying I'd wake up the next day as a boy. I thought about killing myself and hoping reincarnation was true and I could be reincarnated into a male body. Once on a Donahue-esque talk show, I saw an intersex man who said he was thought to be a girl at birth, but they discovered he had internal male parts at puberty and I began believing that's what inevitably would happen to me. Spoiler alert: It didn't.

I externally desisted around puberty, not because I stopped wanting to be a boy, but because I was becoming socially aware of how off putting and weird I was being. But internally I was still more dysphoric than ever, much worse because of puberty and what it was doing to me. I daydreamed as a male, I would go into low key shock when some one referred to me as a girl or a woman. If a male showed romantic interest in me, I'd go home and cry my eyes out because I couldn't believe a heterosexual male saw me that way. This lasted somewhere into my mid 20s. At some point, I got a lot better about not letting my sex hold me back from things I wanted to do around then and started pursuing hobbies I had always wanted to do even if they were more masculine and intimidating, even if it meant I wasn't very good at them.

I switched to a more lowkey "things would be easier if I were a man" after that, and it became even more low key when I came out as gay in my 30s. I'd say I still have some pangs of envy when I see a male who looks like I imagined male me looking, but it doesn't ruin my day and I've otherwise accepted things as they are. If I could push a button and become an actual good looking, athletic man, I'd probably do it. Though I wouldn't do it if it meant being an ordinary or ugly man. And I definitely wouldn't do it if it meant being a transman.

Luckily the first transgender person I ever met (when I was around 18) was an FtM who just looked and acted like a butch lesbian, so transitioning struck me as incredibly stupid and delusional. If I had met a passing FtM, that may have doomed me. And if I had met a passing, handsome transman like Laith Ashley, I don't see any way I wouldn't be on hormones now.

I'm not the most well adjusted person - for years, I operated like an NPC even within my own life because a female life didn't seem worth living so I missed out on a lot of early milestones and development. But I can look at any anime avatar on Twitter and see that things could definitely be worse.