What Were Your Best/Worst Subjects at School?

beholdyourheart · 2020-09-24T19:21:53+00:00

My best subjects were English and science. I was godawful at math and PE. Though honestly even in the subjects I did good in I was still not a great student because I was unbelievably lazy and forgetful and rarely handed in assignments on time or at all; I just relied on the system in my school where we took a final exam and if the mark was higher than our regular grade it'd replace it. I managed to graduate high school with pretty good grades on that alone, I would have flunked otherwise lmao - I really hated high school.

Weirdly now that I'm in university I've taken more of an interest in math and sciences since it's relevant for my degree, but it took a while to get over the knee-jerk panic response from seeing any math equation that would just shut my brain down (which in hindsight may have contributed to why I was so bad at math lol).

beholdyourheart · 2020-09-20T21:23:22+00:00

For a lot of this I think of it more as a misogyny thing than a heterosexuality thing. It's girls who are being socialized into the role of a wife (like you said) - the boys aren't receiving nearly as much of that messaging of life being centered around their future relationship. This is only tangentially related but I've always been frustrated by those posts online that are of some man acting horribly to his wife/girlfriend, and people make fun of it as being 'straight culture' when really it's just misogyny. I really feel bad for a lot of straight women honestly

But I do get what you're saying, I had all those experiences you mentioned growing up and it sucked. The shoehorned straight romance into every possible piece of media, even a lot of children's media, bothered me since I was really young and I could never put into words why; I just always said that I hated love stories. I don't mind heterosexual love stories now, but they have to actually be good and the vast majority of them really are not imo - I think it's the idea that a lot of writers have that if a man and a woman are interacting with each other, they must be in love, so there's no effort made to actually give the relationship any nuance or interest. I have a few clear memories of being young and reading novels with characters of the same sex who had a lot of romantic chemistry and thinking 'I bet if these characters were male and female everyone would call it a romance, but because they're not they're just considered close friends', and that was way before I realized I was gay lmao

beholdyourheart · 2020-09-19T23:53:11+00:00

Definitely, but not the idea of true love or soulmates. The idea of soulmates always freaked me out because the idea of only one person in the whole human population being your one true love is kinda terrifying - the statistical odds of ever meeting her would be vanishingly tiny. But I believe that everyone has the potential to form deep and long-lasting romantic connections with others - but, like other people have said, it takes mutual work and consistent self-reflection the same way all meaningful relationships do. Personally I like the idea of romantic love but I wouldn't be devastated if I never found it.

beholdyourheart · 2020-09-18T04:17:33+00:00

In general I'm not a fan of the weird 'secret club' vibe that seems to be present in a lot of modern LGBT discussion. Like all the posts about 'TERFs get their lesbian card revoked!' as though being homosexual is about perceived morality as opposed to just our sexuality. Like it doesn't matter what someone's morals or beliefs are - to me sexuality is a completely neutral thing but a lot of queer activists tend to treat it like a fandom you can be cancelled from.

In terms of specifically arguments between lesbians, I agree to an extent. I don't think that every woman who is a big proponent of the 'trans women are lesbians' rhetoric is necessarily not a lesbian - I was entrenched in that sort of thing for quite a few years; lesbians can say that kind of stuff even if their sexuality would never allow them to be attracted to a male person. Especially young lesbians who get absolutely hounded if they ever so much as suggest that they're not into dick, or lesbians in a relationship already so there's no pressure on them to actually act on what they say. But towards supposed 'lesbians' who are literally in relationships with male people, then yeah I'm very skeptical lmao.

But yeah overall I agree with you, I don't like the no-true-Scotsman fallacy ever and it's especially annoying with something as fixed and neutral as sexuality.

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-22T23:27:41+00:00

Yep, although not that seriously and it didn't impact me irl. When I was a teen I used to make some internet content and while I was definitely nothing close to popular I still managed to get some creeps. Some guy around my age who had become an acquaintance through that asked me out, and I said no because I was a lesbian (I'd even mentioned being a lesbian to him before specifically to avoid that situation). He threw a tantrum and over the next 6 or so months he attempted to dox me (he got my address wrong lol but he did find a lot of stuff I'd posted on the internet before), DDOSed me, and kept spamming me with alternating violent death threats towards me and suicide threats towards himself. Since I just kept blocking him and not responding he kept making new accounts for months. Eventually I just stopped checking and he must have gotten bored at some point and given up. While it was a bit scary at times with the death threats, I was lucky he was so incompetent - he came across as very desperate to seem like a cool edgy hacker but he couldn't do more than the basics which I quickly learned to deal with, and it had no effect on my real life. The amount of women I've heard that have had similar experiences (and often way worse ones that had to get actual police involvement) is just insane and depressing.

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-22T19:07:23+00:00

Casual outdoorsy I suppose. Big flannel jackets/bomber jackets and I never go out without wearing a cap. One time I was told I dressed like a trucker which wasn't meant to be a compliment but I took it as one because that was my dream job as a little kid 😂 Pretty much all my clothes are from the men's section of stores so I guess my style is more masculine.

My summer clothing style is awful though; all my favourite clothes are for cold weather. I like to cover all my skin because I get burnt so easy even with sunscreen, so even in hot sunny weather I wear jeans and a jacket. I look stupid but at least my skin is protected lol.

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-21T03:09:10+00:00

Yes haha I remember saying that out loud more than once as a kid. And I was only ever interested in drawing women back then too, I had a folder on my computer for pose references to practice art when I was like 13 but the entire folder was just pictures of women I found beautiful 😶 I justified it as 'the female form just makes for better art' lmaoo. Somehow despite that it would take me a couple more years to realize I was a lesbian

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-18T04:29:29+00:00

Yeah the few lesbians I've encountered irl have all been beautiful. I think part of it comes from the level of confidence that shows through not really caring about being attractive to men. And I don't always mean in a strictly GNC/butch sense either, I knew a woman who dressed very femme but there was just something different and extra appealing about her style compared to feminine straight girls, even before I knew she was a lesbian. I will say though that finding out a girl is a lesbian tends to make her 100x more attractive to me regardless lmao.

Ngl I'm definitely kinda unkempt and dingy in looks so I'm sorry everyone for perpetuating the ugly lesbian stereotype, I just genuinely like to dress badly and look a bit scruffy 😂 But hey I do shower consistently so I'm at least a few notches above a lot of men

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-16T01:20:27+00:00

I have a golden retriever! He's 10 months old so he's pretty crazy due to being in full swing of dog puberty lmao - fortunately he recently became confident at swimming so it's a lot easier to tire him out now by taking him to a river or lake. He's really sweet though

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-14T03:45:06+00:00

Yes, but it's more of a personal choice. Right now I want to focus on self-improvement and education, and because of that I haven't really felt motivated to go on any dating apps or seek out a relationship in general. So I haven't completely given up on love forever or anything, but unless a girl magically appears at my doorstep to date me it's very unlikely that I'll be doing anything relationship-related in the next few years at least 😂

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-13T01:24:53+00:00

Tbh I don't know much about stud culture but I've only ever heard it used by black butch lesbians. And if they want a term to refer to their own specific experiences and lifestyles then yeah I think it's wrong for white lesbians to use it. Like we don't like it when non-lesbians appropriate lesbian-specific terms for themselves, so imo it's hypocritical to be okay with taking away terms specific to black lesbians and changing the meaning. Just say butch lol

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-12T23:24:09+00:00

Visually speaking I love the desert and swamps/wetlands. I think it's because I live in a temperate rainforest environment so I've always been drawn to places that look different to where I live just for the contrast (although I do love where I live). I also find the plants and animals that exist in those biomes to be very interesting since I never see them where I'm from. But I could never live anywhere in the desert or wetlands, I'm terrible in hot and/or humid weather. Just visiting is fine by me lmao

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-12T03:53:21+00:00

Man, reading this makes me feel kind of sad actually. Like she's obviously not a lesbian but she probably is bisexual and in a really shitty relationship. A lot of this stuff she's saying I've even heard from straight women too, and it really seems like so many men just straight up don't give a shit about their wife/girlfriend's happiness in the slightest. I hope she's able to get out of that relationship and pursue a relationship with a woman if she wants to, but I just wish she wouldn't co-opt the term lesbian. It's totally okay to be bisexual who wants to only be with women, but if you have any attraction to men at all then you're not a lesbian and saying you are just reinforces the idea that homosexuality is a preference rather than an innate, fixed sexuality. I don't even think it comes from a place of malice for the most part, just ignorance, but I wish we could get across how harmful shit like this can be to us.

beholdyourheart · 2020-08-12T03:38:52+00:00

While I think it's valuable to understand the historical significance of the movement, I really don't believe the term specifically should be used today (as in, actively referring to oneself as a political lesbian). I think there should be new words for straight/bi women who choose to live separately from men (which I think is a wonderful idea for women who want to do that). I know that the term febfem exists for bi women (female exclusive bisexual female), and I always liked that word because it encouraged women who wanted to center women in their lives and relationships without adding more fuel to the 'being a lesbian is a choice' fire. Similarly, I think that while the concept of political lesbianism and the ability to live without men is an important one, I don't approve of women today who refer to themselves as political lesbians right now given the struggles that we face with people diminishing our sexuality. I think it's tone-deaf, and it shouldn't be too hard to come up with a new term for centering women in one's life that doesn't co-opt homosexuality. Still, I think the history of the political lesbian movement is really interesting and I agree that we shouldn't condemn women in the past who referred to themselves as political lesbians.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-28T02:51:04+00:00

It's low self-esteem, and often mental health issues. Young women who are depressed, or have experienced trauma, or are suffering from some other kind of mental disorder - they want to hurt themselves and can channel that towards the now socially acceptable method of having their partner get off on hurting them. Self-harm is frowned upon, people will take notice if you have scars, but if it's a man doing the cutting (revoltingly called knifeplay, off-topic but I hate all the cutesy names given to this shit), then it's totally fine according to society right now. Anecdotally, at the time my self-esteem was lowest, when I really hated myself, that was when I was most interested in violent kink. All my fantasies revolved around getting hurt because I felt like I didn't deserve anything more. Once I started to deal with those problems, I began to lose interest and was able to develop more healthy sexual habits. If I'd had a partner who encouraged that kind of violence though, maybe I'd still be stuck in that mindset today.

Let's not blame the women here please, let's blame the men who encourage this sort of shit. At the end of the day when it comes to kink critique, my focus is not on the woman who wants to be hurt but on the man who is aroused by hurting women. One is dangerous to others, the other is only dangerous to herself. I really hate the idea that young women with mental health issues being hurt or even killed as a result of male sexual violence are simply 'the weak being weeded out', and I don't feel like that's conducive to proper feminist critique of kink culture at all. Like yeah, it's not healthy to want to be hurt and it doesn't make sense from a logical standpoint, but issues like that aren't logical. We can't stop women from making harmful choices, but we can do our best to educate them on the real harms of things like kink and porn without blaming them or calling them stupid for getting involved in the first place - that'll just drive them away.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-27T22:01:41+00:00

Kind of, I was extremely quiet and didn't have any friends growing up, but I was never bullied or anything. I was just very good at blending in, by the time I graduated high school nobody at school even knew my name. Maybe people did think I was strange for always being alone but they never told me to my face which was kind of them 😂

I reckon that the feeling of not belonging anywhere is very common with lesbians. For me, even when I was a kid and didn't even know what a lesbian was, I still felt like I didn't quite fit in anywhere somehow, and that just got amplified when I came to terms with my sexuality as a teen

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-27T19:11:23+00:00

I relate to this whole post so strongly - I've always been avoidant in all relationships (not just dating) and I think it stems from this overwhelming feeling that once someone gets to know me, they won't like me anymore, so it's best to just avoid getting close to anyone at all. What you said about developing avoidant traits in relation to being gay makes so much sense; I'd never thought about that connection before but being a lesbian definitely impacted my ability to get close to others when I was younger because I was so used to hiding major parts of myself from people.

I do think it's possible to overcome these unhealthy traits though (or at least, I really hope so), but it's a slow process. I'm trying to work through a lot of it before I start getting properly involved in dating and relationships, for the sake of my future girlfriend lmao

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-27T03:49:52+00:00

Smoking and perfume. Okay the latter probably wouldn't be an actual dealbreaker lmao but I can't stand the smell of most perfumes, they make me feel lightheaded. I could probably learn to get used to it for a girlfriend, but smoking on the other hand is an actual dealbreaker.

Also, dislike of animals, or weird competitiveness between types of animals. I've met soo many people who say things like 'I love cats but I HATE dogs, they're the worst' and vice versa, and it always irrationally annoys me. Intense dislike of kids too, now that I think about it. I don't want children myself but I think there's a difference between openly not wanting kids and being one of those people who seems to have an intense vitriol towards them and goes on about how much they despise them, and it's the latter I don't like.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-23T04:51:34+00:00

Nope, although I attribute that to me not being very social in real life lmao. Although I used to volunteer at an animal shelter and there was a surprising amount of lesbians who also worked there - I regret being too reclusive to ever speak to any of them 💀

Also OP I'd say you should go for it and come out to her, if she seems nice! Obviously I don't know her but I feel there's a really good chance she'll be happy to speak to you about it. Other than that there's not really a surefire way to meet other lesbians in a small town, outside of stereotypical lesbian activities which tend to have at least some truth to them haha. Maybe when you're a bit older you could look on dating apps to find other lesbians in your area - when I last looked at dating apps I noticed a few lesbians who were just looking for friendships with other lesbians. Good luck and good on you for coming to terms with your sexuality! I also used to identify as bisexual and then trans as ways of trying to not be a lesbian, and while it's rough at first to come to terms with it, it's ultimately so freeing. But lesbian loneliness does suck, I hope you can make some irl lesbian friends!

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-22T17:15:22+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that, going from what you've said I really don't think it was anything you did. I say this as someone who has ghosted people in the past - it was literally never because the person did anything wrong, it was because I was going through bad times where I ended up distancing myself from everyone I knew and then never responded again because I felt ashamed about the length of time I'd been silent. It's not excusable behavior at all (I have a promise to myself to not pursue any friendships until I can sort out my ghosting problem) and it's totally understandable to feel hurt because of the lack of any closure, but please try not to hold it against yourself. In ghosting scenarios it's basically always the problem of the ghoster and not the ghostee.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-20T21:30:52+00:00

Imo the views in your post aren't really radfem, just being a lesbian. But the radfem perspective often overlaps because the general basis of radical feminism is that women face discrimination based on our sex instead of gender identity. So for lesbians like us who recognize how homophobic it is to suggest that our sexuality should be based on gender identity rather than sex, the viewpoint tends to align. If you're interested in exploring that area of feminism I'd encourage it, it really helped me come to terms with a lot of aspects of liberal feminism that were previously giving me some major cognitive dissonance. But just being a lesbian doesn't make you a radfem, our sexuality has nothing to do with our politics, so there's no obligation to get involved.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-20T19:19:32+00:00

Yeah I can understand that. I think personal boycotts based on ideals are fine but the whole group outrage of 'if you don't boycott X company you're evil and needed to be cancelled' thing is ridiculous. But for me, in terms of paying to support a website, I'd rather pay to support GC making our own site so I could be confident that my money is supporting my own ideals. Since cancel culture is inherently a group concept, I don't think individuals making their own choices on who they want to support is the same thing.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-20T19:02:01+00:00

There's a big difference between wanting to get a group banned and not wanting to support them monetarily. I would never, ever support a platform that hosts neo-nazis with my own money, because I feel very strongly about anti-racism and don't want to give my funds to a racist/anti-semitic platform. Same way I wouldn't give Reddit money because of their misogyny.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-19T19:46:56+00:00

Unfortunately women get abused literally everywhere, including in the US today.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-19T19:43:54+00:00

Me too, sometimes (though fortunately very rarely) I see sketchy comments on this sub and check the profile and surprise-surprise they're extremely racist and anti-semitic. I'd like our own site that's separate from Saidit, but I also understand why people wouldn't want the userbase here to be split even more.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-18T20:31:19+00:00

I think some people misunderstand sexuality as fluid because they hear of people talking about their experience coming to terms with their sexuality and take that as proof that their sexuality changed. As in, many lesbians at some point thought they were bisexual, and may have called themselves that publicly. So someone might misinterpret that as 'she was bisexual, but her sexuality changed to lesbian.' But in actuality she was always homosexual, but due to other circumstances (repression, comphet, etc.) thought she was bisexual.

Another way I think people interpret the sexual fluidity thing is regarding bisexual people themselves - you sometimes hear bi people say that they go through periods of being more attracted to men or more attracted to women. But even then, their sexuality isn't fluid; they're bisexual the entire time, but their individual attractions within their bisexuality might be fluid. Their sexuality doesn't change to straight or gay depending on who they're attracted to at the time.

So yeah I've always hated the sexual fluidity viewpoint. It just reeks of the old 'but what if you meet the RIGHT man' argument. And gender fluidity is dumb as well - I remember those popular posts that used to float around of a picture of a person wearing a skirt and then another picture of them in a suit and labeling that as genderfluid. As if wearing stereotypically feminine clothes makes you a woman and men's clothes makes you a man; it feels very regressive.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-16T05:07:14+00:00

Honestly COVID has meant that I have way less situations to get socially anxious in, so my social anxiety levels have actually dropped. My main source of severe social anxiety before was going to classes (since it's the only time I ever had to interact with others lmao) so I was delighted that I got to do them all online. And people looking at my face makes me irrationally anxious too, so the masks are great for being able to hide behind one. But while I feel much more relaxed in the short-term, I also know that I'm just reinforcing all my most avoidant habits which will definitely come back to bite me later lol

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-15T22:16:42+00:00

I think a lot of people don't even notice because it doesn't affect them. Really the only ones being affected by this are lesbians and to a lesser extent gay men - for anyone else, they can go their whole lives without ever encountering the idea of a girldick. I've found though that the few times I've discussed it with others, they seem somewhat incredulous but not in a malicious way. More like they can't understand how anyone could ever expect a lesbian to be into dick and are baffled that it's even an argument. Which is comforting in a way because it makes me realize that the majority of people out there do indeed understand what same-sex attraction is, but I also wish it would be taken more seriously. I think there's this perception that it's just a fringe group of weirdos who perpetuate this stuff, but nowadays that's really not true and gay people are genuinely losing spaces and voices.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-15T19:42:22+00:00

It's very common for young lesbians to ID as NB, because it's actually easier to be a lesbian that way. As in, most young people who identify as NB are female - so a girl can be in a homosexual relationship with another girl who IDs as NB without risking getting called out for 'genital preferences' the way a girl who openly calls herself a lesbian would. Obviously that kind of treatment of lesbians is wrong and I think a lot of the non-binary stuff is very regressive and sexist in a broad sense - but I imagine it's really overwhelming to be a teen lesbian nowadays, especially a GNC one, so I don't have a problem with girls using labels like NB if it allows them to get some respite from the homophobia coming from the modern LGBT community.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-14T21:46:31+00:00

I went from thinking I was asexual, to bisexual, to trans/NB, and then finally accepted that I was a lesbian. I think I knew inwardly that I was gay the whole time but really didn't want to admit it. When I thought I was asexual I was still young and thought that because I didn't want sex that meant I was abnormal - when really I was just 13. A bit after that I began realizing I was attracted to girls so I decided I was bisexual because it meant I could indulge in my crushes on girls without the guilt that came with being a lesbian; I was convinced that 'eventually I'd end up with a guy.' Then I realized the attraction to guys wasn't showing up so I identified as NB and then a trans guy - again, because I didn't want to be a lesbian and I was GNC and thought that made me not a girl.

Then finally I admitted to myself I was just a lesbian lmao. It's so easy, especially as a teen, to wrap yourself up in these identities. It's why I don't like when people make fun of teenagers for having weird gender identities and all that - being a teen, especially female and LGBT, is super rough and people naturally want an out from all the sexism, sexualization, and homophobia. But I do think these labels can have a negative effect on people in the sense that they can prevent them from facing certain facts - in your case, trauma around sex. In other cases I think things like the oversexualization of everything nowadays and how incredibly easy it is to find porn can make teens who are overwhelmed by that build up an identity around it. At least that's how it was for me when I saw porn when I was young and thought that my disgust of it meant I must be ace.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-14T04:47:20+00:00

I get how you feel OP. This sort of stuff has really gotten to me because it took me so long to come to terms with my homosexuality and now I'm considered 'wrong' on both sides. Hearing people who I really respect on other social issues basically call people like me evil bigots for the sexual orientation that we can't control was pretty rough, and for a while I wondered if maybe I was actually being a bigot by not being open to relationships with bio male people. But the more I thought about the more ridiculous that sentence even seems - the idea that not being sexually available to a group = not supporting their rights to live safely and peacefully is honestly so disgusting and manipulative and it makes me feel crazy when people don't seem to realize this. TL was really important to me as well because it's so empowering to have a space where I didn't have to debate my sexuality and boundaries, it was just a place for lesbians and that gave me so much more confidence.

So yeah, you're not being over-dramatic. It's natural to feel upset when one of the only spaces for lesbians on the internet gets taken down. But you're not wrong or broken, this is literally just our sexuality and it's 100% natural even if people try to convince us otherwise. Hope you stick around here, this community is obviously much smaller but I have hope for it. Lesbians will always exist and find each other.

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-11T03:38:45+00:00

Thanks for your efforts, I hope we can regather here too. Tbh I think I'll be using Saidit for this sub alone because a LOT of the stuff on this site is pretty awful - I had to unsubscribe from all the default subs. It really frustrates me that a community for lesbians only is viewed as being the same level of offensive as virulent anti-semitism and racism by Reddit. It feels insane to me that same-sex attraction is now genuinely considered to be bigotry, I wish it wasn't like this

beholdyourheart · 2020-07-11T03:27:10+00:00

Hello! I'd been on TL since the sub was still very new and posted sporadically, though my username is different on here. I know I shouldn't be surprised by the ban but I am, we weren't even a political sub and basically all the threads were just things like relationship advice and fun discussions - hardly offensive banworthy content. But I'm glad to be here, I hope everyone can migrate over (though I feel bad for lesbians newly joining reddit who won't be able to find any lesbian spaces). Also kinda regretting not joining the TL discord when the sub was private and the link was open 💀

I'm 20, Canadian, and I like animals, video games, and walking in nature (not a good sign that I had to sit in deep thought for 5 minutes to think up three basic interests lmaoo). I don't get out and socialize much irl (especially recently for obvious reasons) so it was really nice to have TL to speak with other lesbians since I don't know any other gay people. Here's hoping we can rebuild!

beholdyourheart