Throwaway677

It's been a while, not sure if you still frequent here but I thought I'd leave a comment just incase. Sorry for the late reply, depression (and very likely a vitamin D deficiency) and a terrible sleeping schedule are disintegrating my brain at an alarming rate. My working memory is awful and I forget things within seconds.

Writing is difficult. I've never been stellar at it but I really have to be in the right frame of mind to do it, which comes at times that aren't particularly conducive for anything.

These past few months have been a sort of awakening and there's a lot I've realised about myself. This is all to say, I'm beginning to notice just how much I'm being impacted by lookism in that I care about nothing else. I'm doing a degree (I'm an older student of course) and the only things I've remembered are things that have to do with lookism. For example I learned about something called the double deviance hypothesis which is where ugly female prisoners get punished both in terms of their sentencing but also by their failing to conform to society's view of what a woman should be in terms of behaviour and appearance. I remember it as if I read about it yesterday and I read that over a year ago. Yet I can barely remember what I had for dinner yesterday, that new person I met on my course's name, the f*cking day of the week—

I simply don't care about anything else. I can't, not when my entirety life has been dictated by it.

Everything just doesn't seem real. I'm ugly but have learned how disguise it as best I can with make-up and other things and the difference in the way I'm treated is just... sad. I think people are pathetic and life is a joke. I can't take anything seriously or care about it when I feel it is inherently devoid of meaning and anything that would warrant respect.

Anyway, the forum's still down, can't say I'm too sad about it other than some writing that appears to be permanently stuck in limbo. It's taught me to be strict with emailing myself the things I write (although admittedly a lot of it makes me cringe).

And yep I was certainly not well liked, a lot of that is my own fault. My emotions are frazzled from all the trauma from lookism. I have years worth of pent up frustration and rage. The difference between me and other people is I lack suave. They probably feel the same as me emotionally but they have the finesse to use it to their advantage or commendeer situations so they don't end up with egg on their face. With me however I get triggered and all those emotions come rushing out. I get angry and I blow up. The focus is on me and my reaction, not the aggressor. Other people know I'm vulnerable in that way and they prey on it. It's entertainment for them to see my highs and lows. The same in real life. But it is what it is.

I can’t imagine why any unattractive woman would want to step foot in there…

Towards the end it was becoming a place for "normies". Lots of posts and comments dismissing lookism. Amongst other more problematic behaviour. Before it went down I was barely posting, only doing so out of desperation because I lack anyone in real life to speak to about such things.

This situation makes us all sound like lunatics or morons at some point, it’s not healthy to have to deal with this situation, not at all. Only those who have gone through it can understand. I feel the same about my own writing being word salad at times, I think vCard mentioned she worried about the same thing..most of us only type on keyboards and don’t speak to many people so it makes sense that we can’t verbalize in a coherent manner when we are mostly stuck inside our own heads, of no fault of our own.

I agree entirely. My grammar and probably everything else could be way better but my brain has pretty much shut down. I'm simply not interested in learning or doing anything. I barely want to be alive. Well I don't, but leaving this place is difficult and typically painful (or extremely expensive/inaccessible to a femcel that knows no one) and I can't tolerate pain so here I am.

That’s why I want the site to come back. I only stayed on the trufem and lookism subs because the rest of the site became another animal at times, but I miss even that much.

Very true. I have migrated over to r/ForeverAloneWomen for the moment although it's pretty much putting a bandaid over an amputated limb. That's what all of this feels like honestly. I try to be content with what other people deem a sad life and I'm told that's not normal and I should be wanting more. Well what I want and what the world is willing to give me doesn't match up so what else is there?

Anyway hope you're keeping well and I do miss being able to read your comments