drunk&sad by SAD1 in whatever

[–]SAD1[S] 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

weve had plenty of convos, too many actually. i let her speak and she either ignores me or uses it as an opportunity to bring up old shit all the time. its always the same reasons even she acknowledges im trying to change, i let her speak but she doesnt want. hasnt been interested for like the whole damn year. she tells me that she basically doesnt want to get over it, wants to use it against me. she says that makes her a bad friend but i still dont want to drop her, i hope that one day things go back to normal. she stays because she knows she's all i have, and she knows she has room to do whatever she wants because i cant afford to leave her entirely. i love her way more than she loves me and its costing me too much, she says she cant always deal with my fucked up mentality as much as she used to because it's too negative. i get too negative is the problem. She used to be able to listen to it and talk about it but now she says its just too depressing, that I'm "the most depressing person i've ever met". She's like 12 years older than me. i understand that, and try to cooperate with her explicitly stating that i want to cooperate and she says she doesnt want to cooperate. not right now at least. I even said i wouldnt even talk to her about my life if it meant we could still talk to each other. none of this is really me reading her mind, she makes it very clear that she doesnt want anything to do with me for at least the next 6 months, even before that she set out "rules" like i couldnt talk to her about my life or i couldnt rant etc etc.

The thing is it feels like i'll never find someone like her again, i know people always say that shit but it feels like it because i've never had someone with the amount of care she's shown. not even from my parents.

The whole crush thing is so pointless for me because it would never blossom into anything other than a friendship but i just feel that way all the time and cant really get rid of that feeling. she doesnt know i like her that way and never will tbh because confessig that would reap no benefits for either of us.

drunk&sad by SAD1 in whatever

[–]SAD1[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

neither. average looking? i guess

drunk&sad by SAD1 in whatever

[–]SAD1[S] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

shes already been dating for like over 4 years, it was a friendship. i lowkey "liked" liked her tho but never persued it because it would've been disrespectful. she plans on coming back, she says she has genuine care for me. i dont really buy it, i think shes just conflicted because shes known me for so long and doesnt want to leave me entirely. Im not sure. she used to love me and now she tells me she doesn't, i know because i asked her and she ignored the Q. She doesnt have the guts to out right say it though, but she's heavily implied it. She couldnt care if i got ran over tbh, at least thats what i feel like it. Pretty much wants nothing to do with me but at the same time comes back? Not the first time she's done something like this but 6 months is def gonna be the longest. She's all i have, i'm so lonely that I feel dependant on her. Its a weird relationship, we met over the internet and it was her that messaged me first on a forum. then it manifested into this. I wish it were more than just a friendship but it would never be, it would be impossible and i would never try to persue her whilst shes dating someone. Probably wouldnt even if she was single because she's like fucken several leagues above me. not by looks but just being able to be social and shit. im also broke and cant afford a romantic relationship. she's also regarded me as family but she does shit like this and tbh im not perfect either like i've def threw gas on the fire at times, but it feels horrible because i take shit like that seriously where as people like her just say it for the fuck of it they dont actually regard you as family or love you, they say it to everyone else too. but she stressed that she really meant it and then she did this, ever since 2021 she did a complete 180 and hates the fuck out of me like what the fuck. it hurts so much. she says its because of our past and i admit i wasnt so good in 2020 because of my shitty predicament in life but it didnt mean i didnt care about her. She still holds old, ollld arguements against me and i cant "make" her forgive me for that i just have to put up with it and let her do shit like this in hopes that one day things go back to normal with her. We are like complete polar opposites its probably why we never realy got along. i still love her though it's so stupid. logically im an idiot but emotionally i just love her even if she treats me like this. She's not even attractive but i fell in love with her for whatever reason. Well she's genuinely a nice person or at least was, probably the kindest person ive met but then again she's started pulling shit like this. You know what annoys me most... she leaves me for 6 months and it doesnt affect her because she has a great life and legit is related to millionaires and shit and has loads of friends and a partner. she wakes up happy. She leaves me and for me it's fucking heart breaking, I've legit had no one for the majority of the year. I think about her everyday and she couldnt give a shit if i broke my neck. makes me wonder why im investing so much thought and time into her

she is "normal", "Plugged in" and i am not. she goes for drinks on the weekend, works 9 to 5 etc etc. thats her life. she's plugged in and in these huge social circles. im the opposite. i dont talk to family, my circle is literally just me.