Girlfriend's past with men makes me feel sick

LesChameleon · 2021-08-29T14:56:10+00:00

Sorry to hear you're going through this but I think your concern is totally valid. First of all, no one wants to listen about their partner's exes a lot, even more so when the sentence starts with "if I were straight".

It seems to me that there are a few possibilities here:

She's not actually lesbian (I actually dated a girl like this - I was only her second girlfriend and she would constantly tell everyone she was a lesbian despite having been in a really long relationhip with men before; later on sshe dated a guy again).
She's trying to get some reaction out of you on purpose
Internalized homophobia and wishing she were straight so that "life would be easier" or whatever

Maybe try talking to her and if she doesn't explain or change her behaviour, it's a red flag

LesChameleon · 2021-04-08T08:45:14+00:00

I can cofirm that Taiwan is an amazing place for lesbians 🤩

LesChameleon · 2021-03-03T16:02:03+00:00

Where I live (central Europe), there's a lot of attempts of lesbian erasure. Unfortunately, it usually comes from people mostly identifying as bisexual or queer, who try to pass the narrative "everyone's sexuality is fluid", "you don't need to identify as lesbian, you can just use the term 'queer'", etc. To me, those things are straight-up invalidating and a direct attack on lesbians - I am sure that I am only attracted to women and that's what a lesbian is. Therefore, I will use our label instead of defining myself vaguely as queer or sth else.

When I say to those people that I won't accept the 'queer' label they basically get offended. Meanwhile, I'd never try forcing a bisexual or a queer girl to label herself as a lesbian. Also, there's been a huge erasure in terms of lesbian events and spaces, you can no longer see events being called "Lesbian meetup" or "Lesbian workshop..", now it's all become 'queer' because unless you name it that way there's this huge backlash online.

These things really bother me on a personal level. I feel like I constantly have to be cautious of what I say in front of other members of the LGBT community because I never know who's into what and who will attack you for just defining yourself and rejecting men or trans people (in terms of dating). It's really hard to get to know and make friends with other lesbians so I feel like I don't really have a community IRL, which is very sad. Before coming out, I had believed that, once I came out, I'd have a real community, but that just never happened (even though I lived in various EU countries).

LesChameleon · 2021-02-28T11:20:56+00:00

Totally relate to this hahaha.

LesChameleon · 2021-02-28T10:56:29+00:00

Thanks for your reply :) You almost guessed it, I'm not from Poland but from one of the countries nearby...wow, that's really great that you had a chance to grow up in England. Unfortunately, certain countries in central and eastern Europe really have a long way to go in terms of LGBT rights and acceptance.

Omg, that's totally it hahah! Playing games where one of you would pretend to be a boy is also a huge sign 😂 Of course, it's only easy to spot it in retrospect, just like you said.

And I also agree with your last paragraph. Now that I think about it, I also first just felt nothing when kissing a guy, because I didn't know any better before I got the chance to kiss a girl. However, once I made out with a girl, that was so good and so intense that any thought of doing the same with a guy was repulsive haha. So, it all really makes sense...

LesChameleon · 2021-02-28T10:44:33+00:00

Oh god, you explained it so well!!

LesChameleon · 2021-02-28T10:08:59+00:00

Let me tell you my experience of living with comphet (as I am not from the US, but from a rather conservative Catholic country).

I was born in a small town, and growing up, I noticed that I'd sometimes suddenly want to get closer to a certain girl from my school or neighborhood. Back then, I used to think "Oh, she's so cool! How come I didn't notice her before? I really wanna become her friend!". So, I'd go on and actually get closer to the girl in a typical friendly way and interpreted that as just a really strong friendship. Cue: most of these strong friendships would only last for 4-8 months because 1) I kinda wanted more (but at that time didn't know that I craved a romantic relationship) and I would get jealous if she spent more time with other people, 2) the girl eventually gets a boyfriend and I am left with this confusing feeling that I just can't pinpoint and thought like "damn, I wish I was that guy so I could date her". Never once before I graduated HS did it occur to me that I could actually date a girl without being a guy. Why?

When all you see around is heterosexual relationships + religion + small town with no openly LGBT couples (or if there are it was never lesbians, just gay men), it really creates something in your mind that just makes you think that the attraction you feel for girls is invalid or "just in your head" and that "you just haven't met the right guy yet". So, I just remained single in high school (waited for the right guy lol) and then thankfully I moved away for college to a place where I actually met lesbians so things fell into place after a couple of years. In between, I once actually confused the platonic, friendly feelings for a male friend as attraction, but anything physical literally repulsed me, while, with a girl, even simple things as kissing drove me crazy. So the physical cues were a dead giveaway for me, but I can also totally understand how someone else can remain in denial for years.

What I really can't understand though, is someone claiming to be a lesbian while actually being in a long-term relationship or marriage with a guy. I also once dated a girl who had previously been in only one relationship, 4 years with a guy, and after that she only dated girls and claimed she was a lesbian. I was curious about it and she said that she "had feelings for him because he had a nice personality, but she didn't enjoy sex". To this day, I don't understand if girls like her are actually bisexual, or if they just don't know how to recognize the signs their bodies send them and settle for something because it's accepted in society. (Note: she also comes from a very dysfunctional family so she never had a model relationship to look up to, and I am sure this affected her perception of relationship and sexuality.)

LesChameleon · 2021-02-26T10:04:07+00:00

Ahhh I understand your frustration, but at the same time, I'd love to have this as a problem😂. Where I live people are so homophobic that hearing something like this would be impossible. At best, people just ignore lesbian or gay couples, but mostly they'd say sth rude or insulting. I don't think that the straight women you're referring to in your post have bad intentions or even think much about their word choice, or that it implies that the relationship isn't serious. I've also heard the phrase being used for straight couples too...

LesChameleon · 2021-02-25T11:32:03+00:00

Huhhh, this is a tough situation.

Rather than discussing whether she a lesbian or not, I'd focus here on how she doesn't seem to care about your feelings and isn't willing to compromise at all (which is a huge red flag and IMO means that this person isn't someone you should date seriously). If she can't offer you what you need in terms of sex, then she's not the one for you, regardless of how much some other aspects of you two spending time together are good. As you said, you get along "like best friends" and maybe that's what you two should be...? Oftentimes, lesbians tend to get into a relationship with someone just because they feel this amazing emotional connection, but that alone isn't enough - not having great sex and mutual attraction is the most obvious sign that you two are better of as gay pals, rather than girlfriends.

LesChameleon · 2021-02-25T09:57:16+00:00

Does that even count as an unnatural color? It sounds really cool to me!

I thought that the OP had other colors/shades in mind, like green, blue, etc.

LesChameleon · 2021-02-25T09:55:59+00:00

Hmm, I guess that depends on age (at least for me).

If someone's still a student (let's say younger than 22/23), I wouldn't mind that much if it looks good and goes well with someone's overall style and appearance. However, after that, it just kinda looks unnecessary, immature or attention-seeking to me. I don't even know why I feel this way towards it now but it'd be a big turn-off for me.

LesChameleon · 2021-02-22T20:43:53+00:00

What, really? I have no idea, I was just reading articles on the website and thought this interview was great..I gotta check it now

LesChameleon · 2021-02-21T18:22:09+00:00

Damn, this is spot on! Same here, and it really took me a lot to figure it out (also the had way) 😂

LesChameleon · 2021-02-20T09:53:16+00:00

Amazing article, thanks for sharing! I hadn't even heard of this website before you posted but now I've been reading their articles for an hour hah

LesChameleon · 2021-02-13T10:47:09+00:00

It could be in some cases for sure, but I am confused because some of them really do put effort in chatting but then stall meeting IRL. So more than that, it seems like they just want someone to chat with when they're bored and not to actually meet a person, let alone be in a relationship. I wouldn't have any problem with someone telling me that they think we're not a good match, in fact, I'd prefer any clear explanation than this texting and overall wasting time haha

LesChameleon · 2021-02-13T10:44:46+00:00

Same, never made it past first date with them 😂 and a much boring one

LesChameleon · 2021-02-13T10:44:11+00:00

Jesus, you summed it up so good! I'm taking a screenshot for future reference ahhahahha

You're right 😂 two of these girls I mentioned were out only recently and never dated for real, one is still closeted and the fourth one is only 21. Damn 😂

The thing is, during the pandemic I am staying at my parents' place in a small town and the dating pool is terribly small. So, there's no way that I'll be able to find someone who isn't on this list but yeah, once I go back to the city I'll keep it in mind.

LesChameleon · 2021-02-13T10:41:01+00:00

That's an interesting perspective! Thanks a lot for sharing it :)

Yeah, the worst thing is that everyone on dating apps is probably talking to multiple people at the same time. Normally, if we meet IRL (which is currently harder due to covid and travel restrictions) I ask about it, but now when we're only chatting and not actually dating, I find it somewhat inappropriate to "be checking her online activity" because in the end she doesn't owe me anything at this point. I could also chat with others if I wanted to at this point, but the thing is I am just too lazy to hold many conversations at the same time haha

LesChameleon · 2020-10-09T14:57:48+00:00

Oh hi there! I just moved to Belgium and it seems quite lesbian-friendly...don't you agree? Of course, I haven't been here for long but I already think it's much easier to meet lesbians than it was for me in Spain or Portugal where I stayed before.

LesChameleon · 2020-10-01T09:54:29+00:00

This is so true! I got burnt a few times by "lesbians" who suddenly turned out to be straight or bi at best and got into a long-term relationship with a guy

LesChameleon · 2020-09-30T12:48:51+00:00

I think you're right, whatever her orientation is she definitely needs to grow up and learn to accept herself. It seems that she still hasn't realized how big of an impact heteronormativity has on her perception of herself and other lesbians. And about the dick part, I don't wanna quote it online but it was mentioned in a way that implied how good a dick feels so you can imagine what a turn-off that was for me in that moment 😂😂

LesChameleon · 2020-09-05T07:32:18+00:00

Usually people who claim that they're not ready for a relationship turn out to be so willing to jumo into it with someone else, sometimes not even long after they talked to you..been there, done that. Don't sit around and wait for no one!

LesChameleon · 2020-08-10T07:14:34+00:00

Self-awareness and willingness to accept your past traumas and work on healing

LesChameleon · 2020-08-10T07:13:41+00:00

the chemistry was there on the first date, the sex was good...Her personality wasn't great

Hate when this happens haha. I then have my mind telling me to let her go, but I am at the same time hooked up on that chemistry and sex hahah

LesChameleon · 2020-08-10T07:08:00+00:00

If I meet girls off of Tinder or other dating apps, I'm not gonna stick around after a second date if there's no crazy chemistry (unless I'm just looking for friends). However, it did happen to me a few times to develop a crush or even strong feelings for a girl after I've known her for years. I think it's also because people grow and change so much in late teens/early twenties that after a few years someone can have a totally different personality and interests.

LesChameleon · 2020-08-10T06:55:03+00:00

A guy once told me, in confidence, that in a guys head, for every woman he meets, it isn't a matter of if he would fuck her, but under which circumstance.

I was so shocked when I first heard this but now I know better. I used to have many male friends in high school and early in college, and I've seen them plenty of times saying that a certain girl was ugly, unattractive or even worse, only to have sex with her when she was drunk enough later. They literally saw any woman as a "fuckable object" and I felt so bad for their girlfriends later on. I always wondered if they chose girlfriends only because they were attractive

LesChameleon · 2020-08-10T06:42:09+00:00

Oh, yes, the lesbian erasure is so real it's driving me crazy!

LesChameleon · 2020-08-10T06:40:18+00:00

Thanks for the comment - it's so accurate! Normally, I run away right away when I see red flags, but the last bi girl really had me thinking she was serious when she was anything but that...god, I really was naive hhaha.

LesChameleon · 2020-08-09T10:54:26+00:00

goals

LesChameleon · 2020-08-09T10:53:05+00:00

In hindsight, I was attracted to women even in elementary school, but I never realized it as attraction and only thought of it like "oh, that teacher/woman is just really cool". I even made out with one of my friends at 15 (but wasn't particularly attracted to her) so that kinda delayed my complete realization. Then in college I thought I was bi (at 19) and only at 23 I accepted it and came out. What really got me realize was the first time I had sex with a girl at 20. I was just so...mindblown. Even though I had no idea what I was doing and it was super short, it was still so much better than anything with a guy.

LesChameleon · 2020-08-09T06:59:29+00:00

Oh God, I admire your brave younger self for even putting those things on paper😂 I definitely wouldn't have the courage to do anything like that.

One of the reasons I didn't want to come to terms with being a lesbian was because there was so much like this in my past, a lot of which I had buried and tried to forget, and I didn't want my close friends who I have known since high school and are by and large conventionally attractive straight women to see me in a different light.

Me too. In fact, I think most of us struggle with this, but I say - if your female friends can't support you fully, then find new ones. I like hugging my friends, and as long as it's occasional and not mad tight and affectionate, it's totally platonic. There really is a big difference between me flirting and loving my friends. My friends are aware of it and I'm happy there are no misinterpretations.

LesChameleon · 2020-08-04T07:09:09+00:00

I gagged so hard when I read that

LesChameleon · 2020-08-02T11:57:00+00:00

This is so true!

LesChameleon · 2020-08-02T11:53:44+00:00

Oh, this is such a useful piece of advice to all the baby dykes :D Just to gradually lean into it all, and meeting other gays or lesbians surely helps a lot!

LesChameleon

goals