all 11 comments

[–]Mnemonic 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

but again there isn't that "connection" with that sort of love, you know?

I don't and neither do you going from what you posted.

https://youtu.be/QxUS4lI-_i0 Tells it nicely: Love is just a word, what matters is the connection it implies. A big problem with 'love' (the word) is that it's used in overly dramatic ways in media (from movies to books) and that it's hard to comprehend what it's all about.

Love, or being in love, doesn't mean you think nor feel a certain way all the time with someone. It's about the connection you have with someone, how does it work (the connection) with you and the other person.

Hmm, the best way I heard of 'love' or this 'connection' being described is to see it as a verb. It's not something static, it's something at work and needs to be worked by all sides.

I don't feel like anybody in my life really knows me at all and I feel like I've been this way for so long that I am incapable of actually opening up to people.

Maybe, like maybe because i don't know, to open up you might need to know yourself a bit more. Helped me out.

Also: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/?search=love the latest (as of now) "Love and the Weight of Suffering" is pretty cool.

[–]Zombi[S] 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

I can see what you're saying. I use the word "love" a lot because I've always been under the impression that those you love would know you the best, but my main point is I just don't feel "connected" to others. I like other people obviously and I am able to form bonds, but I just feel like it could be more. I don't know how I can make that bond "deeper" though.

I just feel like I'm missing something, you know? I feel like I should be feeling a certain way when I'm not and maybe that has to do with your last point:

Maybe, like maybe because i don't know, to open up you might need to know yourself a bit more. Helped me out.

I struggle with this so much as I get older. I just don't know what I can do to understand the person I am any more, you know? How do I know when I've comprehended myself fully? Will I ever? There's been times when I've thought I've known who I was, but I always end up doing something (sometimes a good thing, sometimes a bad thing) that shows I'm capable of much more than I knew.

Sometimes I'm in a situation where I have thoughts/feelings that contradict eachother. How can I say I know anything about myself when I don't even know how to feel? It all just gets so confusing and the deeper I think about myself and my wants/needs/thoughts/past actions the more "lost" I get. It doesn't help that revealing those parts of me, the parts that may help others get to know me better, feels somehow so vulnerable. Maybe that's my issue? Maybe I'm afraid of being taken advantage of by letting others in?

[–]HeyImSancho 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I struggle with this so much as I get older. I just don't know what I can do to understand the person I am any more, you know? How do I know when I've comprehended myself fully? Will I ever? There's been times when I've thought I've known who I was, but I always end up doing something (sometimes a good thing, sometimes a bad thing) that shows I'm capable of much more than I knew.

Sometimes I'm in a situation where I have thoughts/feelings that contradict eachother. How can I say I know anything about myself when I don't even know how to feel? It all just gets so confusing and the deeper I think about myself and my wants/needs/thoughts/past actions the more "lost" I get. It doesn't help that revealing those parts of me, the parts that may help others get to know me better, feels somehow so vulnerable. Maybe that's my issue? Maybe I'm afraid of being taken advantage of by letting others in?

I think Mnemonic has some wise words. As to what I quoted of you, I've had similar thoughts. As to knowing myself, and my own feelings, that's tough; as I do feel strongly.

I look for the merit of what I'm feeling; I mean a 'feeling' is just a signal to the brain; interpretation, and ranking of that signal is a function of reasoning; the stickler though, you need critical thinking skills(seriously not being mean, but most people? LOL) to beneficially interpret said signal.

To do that, I realize an emotion can be caused chemically; am I feeling one way, or another based off of something ingested, or not, or am I feeling this way because of a biological influence?

Another thing I do is look for someone near me now, in some way artificially influencing the way I think I feel? People are drawn to example, some people cannot do anything, but mimic others; so it's always good to know, or ask oneself, is someone influencing how I feel right now? Other people's thoughts, and emotions must be accounted for.

What I wrote above are part of what I use 'in the moment', but at the same time, a lot of self reflection is necessary to realize who you are, and what you want out of life in order to aid in determining what emotions really are 'us', or to 'us'. A great deal of that self reflection is learning 'it's okay to be you', as you are all that really should matter; introspectively.

Honestly having that said, it's nothing to be ashamed of, most people never learn to interpret emotion as a separate function to who they are cognitively.

This is especially true in our modern society where thought is discouraged, but it's encouraged to proverbially, as long as approved by the establishment, to wear your emotions on your 'shirtsleeve'.

Specifically regarding love, to myself, it is a working partnership; I've got your back, you've got mine; through thick, and thin; if betrayed, it's on you as I can, and do stick with the plan.

[–]Zombi[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I look for the merit of what I'm feeling; I mean a 'feeling' is just a signal to the brain; interpretation, and ranking of that signal is a function of reasoning; the stickler though, you need critical thinking skills(seriously not being mean, but most people? LOL) to beneficially interpret said signal.

I don't mean it like that lmfao! I mean like, say, abortion for example. I feel that a womans body is hers to deal with as she pleases, so I'm pro abortion. Yet, I also think in the back of my mind that when does a human become a human? Where is the line there? I can't help but think in some way it IS murder because that baby would have become a full person if it was aborted. So these two feelings conflict and I don't exactly know how I feel on the subject. Saying it's fine makes me feel bad for the kid, but saying it's not goes against my principles. Do you see how something like this is conflicting?

Of course there is depression and anxiety type of "feelings", but I've been dealing with that for more than a decade now. The only reason I can even deal with them now is because I had to realize a long time ago that those feelings were just chemicals and would pass sooner or later. It's hard to stay on top of, but after a looooong time struggling with it nowadays I'm much better at telling myself that.

[–]HeyImSancho 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My personal conflicts? I simply accept my own internal dichotomy; as a singularity. It's okay to like, and dislike at the same time.
Thinking about it like this, then adding in time, and you can somewhat end up with a sine wave; likes, and dislikes; loves, and hates then become opposing cycles of the same forward motion movement.

I'm not trying to solve anything, as I don't know that there's anything to fix. As long as I know me, and learn to accept me, I don't need to compare my life to the next guy's, or be what the tv tells me to be.....put all that towards abortion, or any other topic, and it's okay to have conflict; it's your subconscious just helping you reach decision.

[–]Mnemonic 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

How can I say I know anything about myself when I don't even know how to feel?

This is not how the body works. You can only know what you feel in the present, memories of the past and musings about some future are gone and imagined, reflecting on those doesn't give you feelings about the present you're in. 'Knowing how to feel' implies to me that you, if you knew that, would try to somehow enforce that feeling when you 'know' you have to feel this or that right now? That's even when you view it with the scientific knowledge of the brain as of now, impossible. (Else the cure for depression would be a simple "Just cheer up a bit more, if that doesn't help, cheer up more").

It all just gets so confusing and the deeper I think about myself and my wants/needs/thoughts/past actions the more "lost" I get.

If needs are the basic survival things, like eating, sleeping and a bit of washing then wants/thoughts/past actions (past actions are just thought about past events) are the same: thoughts.

Lost in thought is a funny expression because it's used so casually while it's all too real. Drowning out thoughts through activity, drugs or even self harm (aka other stimuli) isn't a real good way of combating the thoughts simply because you only force yourself to 'just stick to one' thought and that's still a thought.

To get to yourself is accepting the thoughts, but don't follow them. A meditation practice trick (one of many) is to visualize thoughts as boats on a vast ocean, just watch them go by, not engaging.

This isn't done quickly, but when it begins to work the calm it brings into your real life (when you're not meditating) makes it easier to engage ( or 'open up') with people, being confident in what you think and expressing it. But not in a way of ehmm, forced confidence, natural smooth confidence, because you know what and who you are beneath all those thoughts.

Anyway, for a better read I would recommend the easily readable and kinda humorous, not too serious book (also not religious) The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are (It's a site from Hungary, but IIRC it's the whole book in pdf)

And here is a nice introduction and guided meditation from the same dude Alan Watts

[–]Drizzt 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

are you me?

[–]Zombi[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Maybe in another life?

[–]svander 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Therapy may help. I strongly believe that.

[–]EddyInTheFlow 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Not saying that it's for everyone, but shrooms have helped me a lot.

[–]Zombi[S] 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Shrooms have helped me so much with this, but it's always fleeting. It never lasts and as such it doesn't feel like a genuine connection, just one in the moment. While it has its merits it's not what I'd call a true connection, you know?