Every time my wife leaves people think I'm gonna self destruct

submitted by [deleted] from self.whatever

But I'm only on my first handle of vodka.

Stay thirsty my friends.

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[–]jet199Instigatrix 7 insightful - 6 fun7 insightful - 5 fun8 insightful - 6 fun -  (1 child)

Because you literally tell everyone that's what you are going to do.

You told us all this a month ago or so.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 5 fun5 insightful - 4 fun6 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

In a fun, zany sort of way. Don't kill the magic.

I know, she thinks she's going to come home to a bevy of hookers in our marital bed.

I love her Jet and I miss her. I hope you have someone like that.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 4 fun -  (5 children)

but I'm only on my first handle of vodka.

No you arent.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 6 fun5 insightful - 5 fun6 insightful - 6 fun -  (4 children)

No, I am... I got a feeling that tonight's going to be a good night.

I'm glad you're not dead.

[–]goobandit 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Please, this one is much more appropriate

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

so, is your girlfriend/wife really nice? whats her name? can i get her phone number? just for my records... i am not gonna call her.. at least not while you are at home..

could you maybe just tell her that i will shoot her a text later?

ps... we are not even going to bring up your name, so its all cool..

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

No, you can't poach my ladies.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

i really dont get that. is that how it is between us? you gonna be like that?

i mean, i wouldnt do nothing that you wouldnt do, right?

if it is a good thing when you do it, why isnt it a good thing when i do it?

i just want to know her name.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

Alright, jive turkey, time to celebrate your freedom and do something fun. Put the bottle down and enjoy a video game, or a movie, go bowling, or try mini-golf, or a bit of karaoke or darts or pool at the local pub (and a tall Coke), or call someone, or do whatever you want (except drink). Perhaps head to the nearest mega grocery and get Haagen Daz, and help old ladies cross the street. Get some of those 'freedom fries' you have in the US. Head to the park and walk around, enjoy a cigar. Go to an archery range. Perhaps visit an AA meeting in the area this evening. I don't know. Just some random thoughts. Best wishes whilst the wife is away.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Put the bottle down

It's empty now so... Ok.

I can't go out Socks, women throw themselves at me. I'm trying to swear off other people's women.

Haagen Daz

Gross. If you're ever in the area try HEB's store brand ice cream. It's really really good.

Good suggestions though, a cigar does sound nice. Maybe with weed. A blunt it is!

[–]NodeThis is my flair. There are many like it, but this one is mine. 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Still undestroyed?

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I've issued an edict that married/dating internet women need a permission slip from their significant other to talk to me.

Killed a handle of vodka yesterday.

Got a birthday party to go to.

I am the demolished man.

[–]NodeThis is my flair. There are many like it, but this one is mine. 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

handle = 1.75 liters

yesterday = 24 hours

So you're suiciding? Stop for a month, with zero alcohol intake. Go to the store and pick out a heavy indica as the alternative. Or order a kilo of kratom from one of the below suppliers.

Do a search on something like "kratom to stop drug/alcohol addiction".

https://herbal-rva.com/?s=speciosa&post_type=product ($70/kilo)

https://otiesbotanicals.com/shop/ ($90/kilo)

You're going to die an unpleasant death if you keep doing that, and we don't want to lose any more of our internet weirdos.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

So you're suiciding

Oh, yeah for normies that be suicidal. That's just how I drink. It's gone and I'm fine now.

I'm on a t-break from kratom. My dosage on that was getting up to an oz.

[–]NodeThis is my flair. There are many like it, but this one is mine. 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

At the most, a heaping tablespoon seems plenty. Haven't weighed it though. But that's just occasional. Week before last I think.

Even for an abbynormal, it's organ destruction, and you're going to need those. What the heck? Need to make drastic changes in your life? You'll have superior results if you make the changes instead of killing yourself, and that's not just my opinion - I've heard someone else say that, although it sounded more like 'check yourself before you wreck yourself', but essentially the same deal.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I find your concern heart warming. I've switched to beer for you. :)

[–]NodeThis is my flair. There are many like it, but this one is mine. 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

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