Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. — Emo Philips

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Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs? — Emo Philips

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. — Emo Philips

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. — Emo Philips

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. — Steven Wright