We need to ban each and every ingestible substance which is not either (1) a medicine which is scientifically proven to be effective and has minimal side effects, or (2) a food item that provides scientifically proven nutritional benefits with minimal health detriments. Any ingestible substance which does not fall into these categories must be made illegal, and anyone who is found guilty of possessing, selling, buying, or ingesting any such illegal substance must be imprisoned.

A small representatative sample of the substances which must be made illegal are marijuana, anything containing ethyl alcohol, anything containing nicotine, and anything containing sugar. There are numerous other ingestible substances which also fit into this illegal category.

And also, every ingestable substance which is not forbidden must be made mandatory.

[NOTE: I'm new here, and I don't know what the convention is regarding the posting of satire. Does the /s indicator serve the same purpose here as it does on reddit?]