Compensatory strategies below the behavioural surface in autism: a qualitative studyStudy

submitted by grelb32BS in Psychology, RBT[M] from thelancet.com

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[–]bobbobbybob 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

seek out diagnosed people's coping strategies, their compensatory strategies. See if they ring true to you.

I can read body language. I taught myself to, helped me understand my own so I could fake it better. I can read microgestures, and tell someone's deep moods. I've become so good at the two, that I can spot someone lying now, and am confident enough to insist on truth until they give in and admit it, or i've pressed enough buttons to make them admit it and go away. I'm fairly sure that they are honest at the last, and not just pretending to shut me up. Never really understood NT's need to constantly lie to themselves and others to protect their sense of self.

Same with intentions, once you've learnt body language, modelling another person's state becomes quite simple. but for the most quiet and reserved. Narcissists are really easy to spot.

Joint attention I struggle with, since once I'm onto something, I focus to the exclusion of all else. Have to pay careful attention to that with my children, or I end up playing with them on my own because they've wandered off, if you know what I mean.

Eye contact is another one that I learnt early. Also pausing and listening, not speaking. paying attention to the pattern of turns to talk (although that one is hard, as when a NT starts to hog I struggle to not disengage since that normally signals really boring conversations)

Meaningful relationships is the hard one. I've got family and kids, and I'm not sure i've got real connections there. I'm sure they think otherwise, but me knowing them is a long way from them having any understanding of me. I feel that I explain myself all the time, but am rarely understood.

Just an idea, maybe learn to play the piano sonatas/concertos. I made my sonic obsessions into a hobby and sometimes business and that works well. Not much need to communicate when you are performing, and people are nice afterwards because you've made them feel good.

Still need a "i'm autistic" badge, though

[–]grelb32BS in Psychology, RBT[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply! These are some great suggestions, and I will definitely have to try them all. I probably should have specified that the special interests are my current social struggle. I didn't actually know really anything at all about autism until I met my wife, who figured out that she's on the spectrum a couple years ago. The more I looked into it, the more I realized how much it explained things I went through in highschool. Caring too deeply for people who didn't care back, buying them things and writing songs for them and giving my all when they weren't even interested in talking to me. Took me a long time to figure out how to not open up to people who didn't care back and to only invest myself in people I could trust. I also couldn't figure out why people didn't want me to join in on their conversations/hang out with them, so I learned to be content with being alone and found out that people liked me more that way, at least until they got to know to me better and they realized I wasn't normal. It also took forever to learn how to talk to people, but I figured out that if you ask them about themselves they tend to like you more. But you have to be careful, because sometimes people don't like you remembering things they said 3 weeks ago and asking about it, so it's a fine line that's difficult to know when and what to ask about. I still mess up on that one periodically. Anyways, I've figured out a lot of strategies now. I still stick out like a sore thumb, but at least people view me as eccentric instead of disliking me. I'm not lonely at home, fortunately. My wife and I understand each other really well in that respect. I feel extremely lonely at work and with my parents/siblings though, and I relate to the kids I work with a million times more than I do my coworkers. I'm sorry that you don't feel understood at home. I've come to find that being loved by family (my parents, siblings) but not understood is just the way it's going to be and no matter how many times I try to explain it they're not going to understand. I told them I thought I was on the spectrum and they were like "okay?" If it helps, I understand you. Everything you're saying makes perfect sense to me, which is really refreshing. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not to conform to social norms, and I don't have to exhaust myself trying to remember all the unspoken rules of a conversation. So thank you for that.