I don’t want to blackpill anyone, especially anyone younger, I just need to vent.

Every time I try to seriously invest myself in something other than the Right, I end up regretting it. A recent example was my attempt to become Buddhist. A couple years back, I kind of dropped Right views and tried to join an Asian immigrant Buddhist community. Emotionally, it was a perhaps needed break from being constantly blackpilled. I meditated a lot and re-learned how to take constructive action in my life, even though we are in the “Dharma Degenerate Age” (East Asian equivalent to the Kali Yuga.) I quit alcohol, began meditating an hour a day, started lifting and rebuilt myself.

But I eventually became depressed because I was part of an Asian culture I couldn’t really join. I couldn’t really marry into it, even if I gave up on race, and be part of that homogeneous ethnic group. I eventually hit a hard point in work, started drinking hard from feeling doomed and only rebuilt myself by being a lone WigNat again for a while.

Recently, being a WigNat style a-hole didn’t work for me anymore because Covid left me too worn down. I rediscovered Zen with a largely white online practice group. I felt more at peace because I was frankly homogeneous with them. They were part of my culture and also reached for the higher standard of Buddhist practice that Evola would consider the “Arya” aspect of the practice. I began to dream of going to Bay Area, living in harmony with “humanity,” while still starting a family that was roughly traditional in that context.

But then BLM happened. I realized my entire practice group was the worst kind of shitlibs. Every dharma talk was suddenly about white privilege. Repulsively obsessed with white privilege. From Zen calm to enraged that their precious BLM wasn’t getting more. I eventually gave up in disgust. I probably could have even gone full shitlib with them but they reminded me about what Leftism is about... and thanks to Leftism, even people who want something like being a Buddhist monk can’t be more than “white.”

This was just the latest of many sagas I’ve had with this society. I’ve tried various Western religions. I’ve tried Leftism. I’ve tried libertarianism. All ended with the same disappointment at how this crap just seeps into everything.

I’ve tried various forms of Right organizing and participation. So blackpilling, so often. To be fair, I’ve picked up a couple good friends who are more precious to me than gold. But I can’t even count the e-mails I’ve sent to “organizations” and “points of contact” that never wrote back. A similar number of them have been forcibly removed from websites before they could reply. I’ve risked a couple live events but they were usually built around some clique celebrating itself (ex. some local skins showing off to each other.) There’s the people I almost followed who have now been discredited, usually due to infiltrator disruptions. We have a lot of problems but System disruption I believe is responsible for most of it. If normal people could safely be Right, I don’t doubt for a minute we could build communities, find mates and raise our children to happily live the right way. But the walls to block us are so high, I don’t know what to do with that vision I’ve returned to so many times for over 15 years.