Sample of my book (doesn't have a title yet) (I tried to put it as best as I could in the point of view of a male character) (not finished)

submitted by Thatgirl from self.books

sorted by:
top (suggested)
newinsightfulfun
you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Put it in first person perspective as if it were happening now, or as a character recounting the story, but you're mixing and it's awkward.

Also, words aren't simply a mechanism to get you from point A to point B. The journey should be enjoyable. I would focus on rewriting just this part

I woke up confused and my head was throbbing and I was covered in blood and no memory of anything

Until it's interesting in its own right.

[–]Thatgirl[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

thank you for your opinion, it is very helpful, but I don't think it is mixed with first and third perspectives, but I will reread and rewrite it, thank you for your feedback.

[–]AXXA 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I like the idea of a vegetarian zombie. It could turn into a great love story.

[–]Thatgirl[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

yes, I'm thinking to make it end that way, but I'm not sure yet.