By “Period cramps” he means non-specific abdominal pain. If he’s peeing blood as well then he may be one step away from sepsis from pyelonephritis but having had that myself I can tell you by the time the blood is flowing you’re not posting anything on twitter or Facebook.

So instead of hearing zebras, and in the absence of other symptoms, I’m going to diagnose this man with trapped wind and tell him to try lying on his left side. If it persists then a trip to see a GP might be in order.

Please bear in mind that I am not a doctor and I don’t even play one on TV.