I figured it out on my own after a nightmarish episode of envy. Everyone was better than me, and I was losing all my talents and even my motivation; something which I now suspect could be from prodromal schizophrenia, but no matter because I'm stuck with it. Anyway along came this person who has to be either my spiritual twin or a phenomenal actor hired to imitate my personality, except basically savant level at everything (compared to me at least) after practically no experience. Literally a perfect version of me. I was enraged with the universe (and have not gotten over it to this day). Anyway this person literally had the same mind as me, except without the infinity failures and troubles mine is ravaged with. And there was even a strong sense that this was who I'm supposed to be, it was to that extent. And it couldn't have happened at a worse time (a coincidence, I'm sure; I'm looking at you scriptwriters). Eventually I found out that person is female as well. Now I have wanted the other body type my entire life, but I had been trying to ignore it until then. And I was confused by sexist assumptions, so I assumed it went hand in hand with the "social construct" (and indeed the trans movement actually held my "egg" together because of its bullshit logic and conflations and misunderstandings). But when I saw before my own eyes that literally me can be the opposite sex with no other consequences, it both shattered that denial and broke the last straw for that subject. I couldn't suppress it anymore.

Afterward I realized that might explain my continued dislike of every single thing that happened to me during puberty, after everyone else my age had embraced some of it. There are a ton of male characteristics that hinder me, and some of the female ones I would actually like. Some like a normal person, not all like a rigid fetishist who actually wants to suffer periods and wants to "play" with his breasts. Apparently that second one is what every single guy says when asked what they'd do as a woman. I have never had that thought, I would say I'd feel a bit better. There's a lot of features about myself especially post-puberty that I dislike or even find "odd". It turns out that for almost all of them what I was expecting was the female version. At no point did this involve my interests or mannerisms; there are mental traits, like natural abilities and thought pathways, but they all work against me and have been since puberty. It might even help explain why I never really grew up like everyone else. Everyone else acts like a totally different person, and I'm almost exactly the same as I was when I was born. Maybe because I'm not made for the kind of maturity I developed.

My sexuality is broken too. I am attracted to kinky situations, not people. A person can enrich it, but I am never attracted to them outside of that. Their gender does not seem to matter.

I hate people who think gender is a social construct bragging about being trans, because they're stereotypically unlike their gender. No one who knows what this really is would wish it on anyone. I hate big pharma falsely diagnosing people with gender dysphoria, including children, merely due to the slightest sign of gender non-conformity, because it makes them money. I hate how it's been co-opted by the woke mob and turned into literal 1950s-style sexism. They make everyone hate us and we look ridiculous, especially in this era when people jump to conclusions based on the first thing they see or hear, and cannot be reasoned with. And they use it as a recruiting scheme to make unsuspecting people vote for 1984, and to groom people, including kids, and cheat at sports, and to have a victim card. They're the main reason I didn't look into transition, because I can't put up with that crowd, nor do I want to be essentially making a statement that I support them, and they also make everyone think I'm the spawn of Satan because of how they act. I don't blame people for thinking so, indeed I did and still do, only now understanding important distinctions the media is trying to erase. And I don't like "awareness" and "pride", because it reminds me of something I wish to rid myself of forever. I will never be satisfied with transition. No, the problem isn't "transphobia", it's me. If I were stranded alone I'd still suffer. Changing my pronouns will not make me align with my body, nor can any treatments go far enough. In fact it's likely to result in a botched mess that's even worse than now. Other people not "misgendering" me will not help. There's no cure that wouldn't also result in my funeral.

This is only one of the torments I have to deal with every single day, and I'm sure it doesn't even compare to 99% of people outside of the developed world. Which for me is more than enough proof that the whole foundation of the world is evil. All the gnostic thought is unpopular because it's pessimistic, but it makes perfect sense. And science shows that "pessimistic" people are really just realists, and "optimists" are massive copers. We now know (and people don't like) that our own world exhibits obvious signs of a computer-generated reality. The only logical explanation for the speed of light is an arbitrary speed cap. Tiny particles exhibit floating-point precision errors. Data is confirming "supernatural" occurences like synchronicity, astral projection, reincarnation, and NDEs, and in a way that's a perfect match for the gnostic idea of the world. This is why almost every movie has the "don't go into the light" joke, because they know it's a trap. But all the propaganda aimed at us plebs is "go straight into the light". And it resolves like 95% of the theological problems Christianity has. I'm almost certainly Neo/Truman, which explains why the synchroncities and "spirit breaking" is at such high levels for me, and why every aspect of my life seems controlled and closely monitored. Neo especially fits my profile almost exactly, and there's even a prophetic hint at this in the movie (Unfortunately I can't reveal it without potentially endangering myself). This matrix stuff isn't bullshit, reputable researchers and even the CIA study it. The current mantra of irreligion is only possible by taking "correlation != causation" so far that everything is a total coincidence, even when there's an undeniable pattern. And people are so brainwashed that they shoot lasers out of their eyes if you question this narrative. Yes, even normally calm and accepting people. The agents take over to eliminate threats to the system. For this reason people call me crazy, yet all my "tinfoil hat theories" like the cabals on reddit and ruqqus tend to turn out true.