-Checks notes- "He's on the list, guys"

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[–]LordoftheFliesAmeri-kin 2.0. Pronouns: MegaWhite/SuperStraight/UltraPatriarchy 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

I'm weirdly glad these days that I got my sex education from the traditional sources: dubiously-acquired pornographic magazines and early websites that I used some teenage NSA-style bullshit to conceal my perusal of. Because if I had to get my education now? Who knows what kind of fucked up mess I'd end up as.

[–]ClassroomPast6178 7 insightful - 3 fun7 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 3 fun -  (11 children)

Fuck your internet porn, bush porn ruled! That was the best porn, it was like the greatest day of the school year, walking home and spotting a rain soaked copy of Razzle stuck in a bush.

No one ever knew how the bush porn came to be, just that when you needed it most, it would appear.

[–]bife_de_lomo 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

My partner doesn't believe me that bush porn was a thing, but before the internet it was all we had!

[–]ClassroomPast6178 4 insightful - 4 fun4 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 4 fun -  (3 children)

Bush Porn denial is hate speech.

[–]LyingSpirit472 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

Exactly. If you didn't get your porn from stealing a hobo's stroke mags, you didn't live.

[–]ClassroomPast6178 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

I like to think of the bush porn being distributed by the Porn Gnomes, who, in a sort of reverse Wombles of Wimbledon Common, litter the countryside, grass verges and playgrounds around the country with the lowest quality grot that can be found on the top shelves of corner shops.

The modern day lack of bush porn could be because porn moved online or it could be that Porn Gnomes died out, having succumbed to the deadly Savilitis jimmiensis virus.

RIP sweet Porn Gnomes, RIP in peace.

[–]LyingSpirit472 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

The Porn Gnome theory usually works, but bush porn are like holy scrolls, or hole-y scrolls, whatever works. As such, they get passed down from generation to generation, from parent/older brother/skeezy guy who bought it in exchange for them also buying him a six-pack, to high schooler, and from high-schooler to junior high schooler, and from junior high to elementary, always left in a bush waiting for the next person to be deemed worthy of the scroll's power, like Excalibur's sword in the stone. It's a very spiritual passage.

Likewise, the modern day lack also is killed by this, as the original holy scroll seekers soon found the local free alt-weekly newspaper is free, no one will question a person grabbing a copy, and their need for low-quality grot and complete lack of standards means that to them, the phone sex adverts in the back is the same quality grot and gives them the same benefit.

[–]LordoftheFliesAmeri-kin 2.0. Pronouns: MegaWhite/SuperStraight/UltraPatriarchy 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

Ah yes, the legendary bush porn. I was privileged enough to experience that mythical event a time or two myself, and I can only weep for the poor, deprived youngsters of this era, for they will never know how truly great it could be.

[–]ClassroomPast6178 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (3 children)

You’re right, they’ll never experience the combination of joy, anticipation and sheer terror of having a damp grotmag hidden at the bottom of your school bag as you walk home wracking your brain to come up with a hiding place in which to dry it out without your mum finding it.

I bet the Germans have a word for that feeling.

[–]LordoftheFliesAmeri-kin 2.0. Pronouns: MegaWhite/SuperStraight/UltraPatriarchy 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I bet the Germans have a word for that feeling.

Of course they do, they have a word for every feeling.

[–]OuroborosTheory 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Schmutzgefühl

[–]ClassroomPast6178 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

You, sir or ma’am, are a legend.

Sie, damen or herren, sind eine Legende