I have lost an entire day of work. One of many this year working at home.

For as long as I can remember, internet fights-on reddit, in the forum I used to frequent before this (gen interest-anti-femcels, horrible middle aged c-nts), and lately on twitter- sap me. They destroy me. It actually frightens me how weak I am, b/c I know if I'm ever bullied or decide to defend someone verbally, I will be humiliated. I can't get enough air into my face or lungs to process information. Irl, on those rare occasions, I stutter and stammer. And then my mind goes to people physically hurting me while an audience laughs-you know, the classic, grade school levels of bullying that actually plays out IRL among adults. Just ask a public assault victim for a youtube or someone pranked for a fucking Snapchat. That's how easy it is, it just takes one crazy person to decide to humiliate someone, undress them, startle them them in a painful way, violate them and their personal space, or really hurt them for an audience-surprise them. You see it in bars, dorms, campuses, families...anyway.

Even just online...myarmpits get sweaty, my face gets hot. My heart races. My muscles clench and burn.

I spend most of my time either posting about problems that are so embarrassing and would be fodder for the seeming million strangers I interact with, or arguing with people, and what's worse-I no longer interact w/people in real life under circumstances where I feel comparably free, and never have. How can I be? I'm in my body, in the flesh.

This weekend was the same.

CONTEXT: Here is this precious mean Mom type shitting on a feminist author I don't even like very much, but she posted ambivalence about having kids.

She landed a few on me with her PTA Mom followers. The truth is, politically, I've found I identify more with families about certain issues.

I've written and deleted rants all day paranoid about the people that follow me figuring out who it is.

Here's the thread Mom mocked with the undertone of "looking at this childless feminazi bitch": You can judge for yourself https://twitter.com/JillFilipovic/status/1391584700339265538

People are treating it as a diatribe against the two-parent home!

Here's the reaction from the Mommy Version of a pickme, who lets you know in her bio she "keeps it light and 'lives by grace'"

I'll admit it-I think successful women who are a little bit too smug about how well life worked out and can't celebrate their happiness without smearing others/downplaying other's misfortune push me. If I had to pick a list of the qualities I hate the most in human beings, I think it's superiority and judgmentalism. It's not the same thing as subjective pleasure of your good fortune.

I'm capable of both about specific things that are important to me but I...read someone's twitter profile; often disagree with people I follow. You pigeonhole yourself in tribes, hoping to be less alone, and what do you get out of it, esp. if you're a person whose human interaction (lockdown or none) is mostly online?

Misanthropy. That's what.

I lost my composure, and worst of all-I started babbling. Leaving typos (lol, like I do here), run-on sentences. It was like having a fit. I was up at 3AM, reverberating with rage about this.

That is actually the worst part - not losing one's cool, but no longer making sense in the heat of passion.

I'm as angry seeing a lot of current feminists, typically.

And nobody says thank you, if you leap to their defense on the internet; nobody I fucking follow or even that follows me will chime in.

I was engaging this woman on her home turf. I lost followers who fucking liked this dumb, shitty tweet

And hopefully in a few days I'll forget this but I'll admit it, I'm more candid on the internet. This state of mind comes often and this is the context through which I now view most people, even IRL. This has become a proxy for real life and how I engage the world most.

It also often hits me I have no real friends I can talk to about the things that disturb me most about the world. I lean too heavily on this community with thousand-word screeds. Our community isn't what it was and I understand why, and...well, I'm older than a lot of you.

Anyway, apart from the general soul-rankling - yes, twitter now feels like a magnification of the worst of real life, twitter makes me angry and humiliated in real life, and I go on twitter to say things to people I have a limited exposure to - a tweet I don't like, or, in this case, their mockery of someone I identify with- and it just...saps me. I would have never the guts to say something like this to a woman like this in real life, even if I wanted to.

Twitter has made me an uglier-on-the-inside, angry, lonelier person. Or rather, it's highlighted those things. And God, I hate people so much. I hate knowing what people I've "known" online for a decade, know the real names of, liked their baby pictures - I hate knowing what they believe about current events and the revolting personalities they retweet into my feed. I'm paranoid "liking" or posting things I know they will disagree with.

I feel like this shitty, stupid mother is someone I know in real life and I suppose that's why it hit a nerve.

...The moral superiority of women like this is what really amazes me.

They take big fetid dumps on women - childless women, ugly women, unsuccessful women, woman who can't marry, poly woman (not by choice) -initiate conflict - and then they're victims fending off their goodness after...smearing other people for fun, and quote-tweeting to ensure the person sees they're being shat on. How can I not read into a woman that's so insecure about the gift of being able to have children, she has to sneer at another woman as being a cold bitch for posting an inoffensive thread like the one above?

...Most of my interactions with human beings when I'm candid with are negative. Twitter is like a buffet of awfulness.

It's even worse b/c someone who followed me faved this dumb fucking tweet, I saw it, and I just let this c-nt have it...and made a fucking typo-dropping fool of myself.

I feel like who I am and how I feel on the internet is more real than who I get to be in real life, which is generally...isolated, hobbled by unwellness...and afraid.

I wish I had people who understood me and supported me even when I made a jackass out of myself. I've seen it for other people. People will change their minds based on who is speaking, even if they find what they say...boring, or even factually or morally incorrect.

People standing by me no matter what (so I can go and agonize about feeling conflict or wading into one alone, later, and wring my hands, paranoid about an angry God taking vengeance on me) is something beyond my wildest dreams. People loving me and wanting me in their lives even when they don't agree is a close second.

I don't even have that with people I care about and solely from RL, as opposed to the the hybrid or the "regular online circulation" model I have now, and it's why I don't fucking let people who know me IRL follow me on social media.

I am angry most of the time I am online-my primary means for engaging others - I am humiliated, given that 80% of the internet is made up of actual trolls who single-mindedly hope to humiliate others and have no greater purpose in life/bait them into attacking,

Even the people I really respect couldn't give a fuck less.

Finally - I find parents to be some of the smarmiest, most awful fucking people on earth. Imperviously so. That's the real travesty, not that women want to experience motherhood. If you point that out, they pretend that's your real beef. People act like getting knocked up and dragging a human being into the world is sainthood and a blank check to treat the world around you like servants or an audience to your crotch fruit. (And I like babies! Fuck me, I wanted to work in a child welfare org when I chose my major.)

It's actually their unhinged narcissism & oblivious shamelessness ("You can't possibly understand 'x' until you have children"), their judgmentalism, their repulsive self-aggrandizement.

The only thing worse is a woman who cannot celebrate the experience of motherhood without passing judgment on other women. It disgusts me.

...And I let someone know that this weekend, and have lost FIVE HOURS today posting on twitter, heart buzzing - enraged.

Frankly, if I met this woman in real life, my first impulse might be to wring her small, beautiful, swanlike little neck. I'm that amped up.

It's ugly and embarrassing, as embarrassing as being shown up by someone you actually believe is a mean, stupid bully.