It's been 5 years, but at this point the advice is repeating enough that I think there's nothing more for me to gain from pleading my case.

I will admit, I'm a choosing beggar. A "standardcel." Even if an ordinary woman showed interest in me, I don't think I could show interest in her. I want something "special" for how shit my life has been up to this point. Do I deserve it? No one "owes" me anything. But the feeling is only natural. After years and years of eating shit, you don't pray for some light piss. The only thing keeping you going is the hope that one day you're gonna eat like a king. And so it is with every struggle. Immigrants don't risk their lives to get into other countries for a "somewhat better life," they're after a really good life. You don't kick shit at a job you hate for "a bit more money," you do it in the hope that someday you'll make as much money as possible. And just like jobs and countries can be bad, sex lives can be bad. And bad sex lives inspire hope for exceptional sex lives in kind. Sometimes I wonder just how bad a "bad" sex life is. At what point I'm justified in being dissatisfied with being a virgin. At what point it's understandable to want to eat like a king in exchange for all the shit you've eaten.

The Internet has not provided answers to any of these concerns. I've tried all the pills. Blackpill says "Get busy escortceling, or get busy roping." Redpill says "The wall doesn't exist for men! Simply follow these tenets and you can have sex with any woman you want!" Bluepill says "You've been posting where? Banned!" But the most common answer is "You probably can't achieve this special sex life you're fantasizing about. But keep on keeping on. Maybe you'll find happiness in some other place. Maybe you'll learn to be attracted to whatever woman you someday pull. Maybe you'll even achieve that special sex life.

Keep on keeping on. In the meantime, I have nothing to live for. I don't care about anything else. It's not that I wanna die, or that I don't wanna live, it's that life lacks natural, intuitive motivation. To which most people would say "You gotta find something. Even if you have to force yourself to do it, you must motivate yourself to live." And that's the dead end that advice from the Internet has led me to. No one knows anything for sure except I have to keep trying and not give up hope. Live for the sake of living. And I'll say "That doesn't sound like a life I'm interested in." And all they can really respond with is "I hope you find interesting things, then."

That's all they got for me, in essence: Keep waiting for good things to happen, and in the meantime try to learn to love what you can get. And that's all they have for you too.