Lack of socialization in teenage years is making others bully you, laugh at you or it loops - you are being excluded from that even more. You become apathetic, you have no self-esteem, you see that you have no value. It's not that you are weird, in fact I was always normal and I behaved like others, but I was made the target of bullying. Then my weirdness developed, obviously not experiencing things that usual teenager experiences inevitably destroyed my normal self, I could only escape into my own world, world of hobbies, daydreaming and hard work with school. I always believed this shit will change and that one day I will sit after all my struggles, having decent salary, little pack of friends and a partner, who will love me for who I am. Obviously it was never meant to happen, but I succeded in one thing. I became really successful in my university and in my job. I am one of the best juniors there and I might develop really fast to a salary, I wanted to earn as final goal. I was always humble, it wasn't great and big money, just enough to pay my stuff and enjoy my mediocre copes, which do not require much money.
But going into adult life makes you humiliated even more. It's not that you aren't needed - people see that you might be better with stuff of the field you work with, actually - they clearly see that. I am praised for how I perform, I am being treated as an expert in a field I work in, but... I am not just slightly weird at this point. I am fucked up.
Due to kind of work I do and university I attend, I had to put on a mask and to appear as 'not-devastated' by my life. I have to go to grab a coffee with others and pretend, pretend that I am normal.
But I am not. Most of things they say or do feels like a needle put right into my chest. Despite my hatred to many things, I know most of them do not do that to trigger me. But still, it is painful.
They speak about how they spend their time with their partners - it is painful, because I cannot add anything to the talk. I never was with anyone and never will. I am not going to say that obviously I am going to be loser forever to them, exposing myself as I am incel would be suicide there.
They speak about how they are going / went for some trips abroad - what they did, how was it, etc. All of them are speaking about that. I hate traveling. I think it's lack of peace in my life during teenage years, where everyday and amount of shit I will be given was uncertain. I don't like changes, I like to do things by a plan, where everything is certain.
They speak about some random shit they did during their week or that they have no time for stuff - I still can't relate, because my life consists of working 8h, then playing games, studying and I feel like I have lots of time, even though I spend in university and work combined much more time than average person.
I can't relate to speaking about my plans on a weekend - 99% of time it's certain I will sleep, play games, maybe study, watch movies, listen to music without even leaving home.
In university foids are changing their surnames - they become married and it stings me. They already have husbands, older husbands which are in further point in their lifes, having homes, they must have been together for some time - and here I am, craving to be hugged one day. Craving to be desired in some odd way, even though I know I am ugly and possiblity that someone will find me attractive is zero. I know that, I just want to be liked, to feel like someone wants to meet me, to get to know me, to recognize that I exist and have feelings.
But it's too late for that. Time when group of friends were forming are already long time gone. People either stayed with their older packs, or dedicated themselves to spend life with their partners. In this equation there is no place for damaged people in their mid 20s, who lost their lifes.
People crave for good things happening to them, for money, for anything else that fits them and I everyday crave for death. It's not that I can't feel good sometimes, sure I do, but living like that, I feel disgust towards myself. I see how others live, how they operate, where in life they are at this point. It's just sad. Waking up everyday and doing the same thing, knowing that you inevitably lost. That there is no turning back. That it will stay like this forever, untill you die.
And only this dreamt day of death is somehow keeping me sane. Knowing that one day this pain will end.
[–]Vulptex 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun - (0 children)