As you might know, I got a job in August as an financial risk advisor. My contract is for 6 months after which there is a possibility to start working with a higher salary and degree. Those practices are anyway full time job, so there is no significant change in what I will be doing, so the scope of work is full now anyway.

Two weeks ago, there was some kind of country-wide fancy Xmas party, you know - some shit gala with a speech, rewards for best workers country wide, then just drinking and eating. I asked before what they can do to me once I refuse to go there - after all it would be third time when I refused, so I decided to appear atleast for few hours.

After some boring start, I started drinking with colleagues from pracitices (one guy came into the company because I adviced them to hire him, he passed the interview and I will be getting money for it, rest of "young" team are young foids) - we drunk some weak drinks and later on this gala started.

Some manager from my team won (the most attractive to make it funnier - also she was dressed up as a whore to this party, which was kinda hilarious). Also it's important, this entire party was for like 2 thousands of people. There were lots of them. After gala, we went upstairs to drink vodka and sit there with the team - the problem was that there were also managers and CEOs and I wasn't comfortable with heavily drinking - to not lose my job.

However, managers literally forced us to it (especially me, as I wasn't coming to those meetings) - I can drink a lot so that's not a problem for me. Few rounds of shots, they got drunk and they were starting to open up.

Also, during my job I worked with many managers (unlike other people from my team, I was ordered to fix variety of problems which caused problems for managers and for which they would need to get a person for two weeks where I automated it in 30 minutes) - so most of them knew me but didn't knew rest of the team.

Finally when I got a bit drunk, one foid manager around 40yo came to us and almost shouting asked me "Hey Mazurro I don't know why you didn't win today the best employee reward, but you were supposed to". At first, I thought it was just baiting, but no - she said that many managers were voting for me, because I did an "outstanding job" and I was supposed to win, but they refused entry level to win such reward and gave it to people who were there for years. I was shocked, but I still thought she was joking, but many talks later that night I got proven, that it was the case - my opinion among managers was that I am smart and I fix problems they have problem with, despite my complete lack of experience. Some manager when got drunk he said I should choose him as coach (some representative role for promotions and stuff, but gives him benefits if I am good). Finally, one manager when we got more drunk said, I should talk to the CEO now. I was okay with that, I didn't feel drunk but he was drunk af. During the talk with both him and the manager I heard the words which kinda blackpilled me that night:

"You got hired, because you knew Python, modelling and stuff - you will stay there because you are drinking". He literally said that. My opinion wasn't only relying that night whether I was good or not - it relied on the amount of alcohol I can take without falling on the ground. As I said before - I knew that coming here was crucial for me, so I took the right choice.

Going further, I got more drunk and once I am drunk and I am with my male incel friends, I like to dance. I guess I mentioned it, that when I was a child I went for dancing classes for 7 years, but once puberty hit all my partners resigned from dancing with me. But still - I like to dance till this day, despite having no one to do so.

But when I hit the dancefloor and saw people aged 20-30 dancing in a fucking circle, even subhuman me cringed. When I was asked if I go to dance, I said something along the lines - "It looks like a middle school party, I don't dance like that". Foid asked "Show me what's real dancing then" baiting me, but I didn't shit out and took her hand to the dancefloor and started dancing like it should be done. I was drunk, but I remember that people started cheering that someone started doing it normal way. Once the song ended, foid danced with me 2 more songs before I went for a shot. Once I came there later - I started to dancing like this again, one director came and said to me that he likes that I am not afraid, took another foid for a dance and then immediately after all started dancing. I managed to dance with like 6 random foids there (I cannot recall which, but I know that for sure there were some), I remember dancing with this whore dressed foid (someone said to her I dance good, rest settled this).

I can't remember last hour (2-3AM) - I danced and drunk heavily, I remember only some manager falling on the floor after shot with me and manager mumbling something to me and me saying to him "Shut the fuck up and drink" and he said that with this attitude I should be the new director.

Did anything change in my life? No. And that's the ducking problem - good things happening in my life last for a moment and they aren't affecting my loneliness at all, even when there is something good and even related to socializing I still remind to myself that among people I am a lonely weirdo, when this shit is their daily life.

Does good performance in work will pay off? Most likely, My contract ends in January, so soon I will be either called for a promotion and pay rise or kicked off. But it doesn't seem I will be kicked off as some managers after me doing some hard tasks said that they will "repay me".

But now I have materially all I need - all electronics, some savings, a car, I could move out from my parents home, but then I would be even more lonely.

When normies tell you that you can do X or Y as am incel, they don't mean we will ever be loved. They just mean, we can progress a bit, progres in fields which will anyway not be comparable to the feeling of being loved.