Job requires social contact. I am trying as much as I can to appear as "normal" in a workplace. Whenever I go to grab a coffee, I ask others whether they want to go, even when I know they don't want to go with me. Whenever they go and ask, I pretend I don't need it now (even when I do) and sometimes I just sit wanting a coffee, but being unable to go for it. I cannot invest myself into talking about ANYTHING unrelated to work. My life consists of playing games, studying and masturbation, therefore I don't really want to give any hints, how my life looks - they obviously know I am lonely just because of my looks, but they don't realize that I am blackpilled.

However, being "social" whenever it's anything job related is not that hard. I can adapt to that and somehow manage this normie state. But I am sure, each next month with me dodging any "team socialization" events, talks, or using generic answers for what I was doing, how was my weekend etc will just show them how weird I am. Like literally, most of my weekends now will be university, they already asked "when do you find time for life?". But it's my life, working my ass off to manage to earn a reasonable money to be able to chill alone. But it seems like even that won't happen. Each next day just shows me people, who chill at work, talk about they life and eventually, they go back to their partners after work or go out somewhere.

It's not even saddnening me anymore, I understand my subhuman loneliness state, but it annoys me as fuck that I cannot even remove this part in work. Life of normies consists of constant attempts of trying to go out as its opportunity to feel something good, for me, it's trying to dodge all possibilities to go out not to be humiliated again and lose hope, which will be ruined seconds ago I gained it.

I just don't want to participate in this fucking world. Is 23 years of this shit not enough..