I never truly considered I will live that long, but this vision starts to frighten me. I feel like I have finished my life. Like all major things that were in a scope of possibilities - a degree, well-paid job, knowledge that I needed for a job in my field of interest, I already have it.

My life since few years looks as if I was playing Dark Souls, but for the 10th time. At the first time, you knew the game was rigged, that you will lose countless times, but there were some minor wins that made me a bit happier. But when you play it for the 10th time, you already know how rigged it is, but you know it, you know everything which you are supposed to do, so you do it, but faster and better, but it doesn't make you happy. I truly don't even know what to do know, I am in a spot where everything that I was able to change, I did. I had 3 surgeries, I can earn some more and do a vision surgery, hair implants, whatever, but it's as if I was just adding some minor achievements to the game, which has been already finished.

Also the feeling of underdevelopment kicks me. When I was a teenager, I used to think that I am mentally overdeveloped than other teenagers my age, that my behaviour, morals, etc. was of an older person, that I actually was. Problem is, that it's there no more. Those morals that I had previously, or the behavior isn't there anymore since I am hateful, bitter, gave up. Inner peace was changed to depression, or rather lack of anything, I don't know whether I am depressed, I truly doubt that. But whatever with my morals, I am underdeveloped socially. Like not even that I am still a virgin, never held woman's hand, kissed, was in relationship or was desired by someone, fuck that. That's cope which obviously never happened and will never happen. But I lack the knowledge how should I behave as an adult. When people among me are talking about relationships, kids, having their own household, going for trips with friends, even having some fucking dramas in their lifes - I just either stare at them or leave conversation because it feels bad. What would I even say? That my daily routine after work / university consists of playing games, watching movies, going for lonely walks where I listen to music, playing with my cat? Who gives a fuck about those, those are teenager activities. Even in job, when we had to say something about ourselves, most of people during the "hobby section" said that they really don't have that much time, because they have families, kids, responsibilities, but when they do, they travel. Where would I even fucking travel and for what? To watch movies in another environment?

Problem with my life is that most of activities, if not all, are meant to be done together. Even in terms of watching movies, playing games, normies mostly do it together. When they play games - they play multi. When they watch movies - they go together to the cinema. When they binge watch some shit series alone - it's for skipping the time to do activities together once again.

And I do all of those to just skip time, to pass those useless minutes that I have on this gay Earth. I feel that nowadays I am just a child in a subhuman's body. The things that I thought were my advantages are no longer there or they are not giving me any benefit anymore, because they are common.