Reddit Neoliberals think I'm a "Fascist"

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[–]Node 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Are you saying you're working with parents or a counselor who are pushing you in that direction? That can be tough when they have power over your choices.

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

No, I'm saying my brain has dedicated all my brainpower and development to sex. My brain was rewired to make me more stoic and sacrificed cognitive function for depth perception and coordination. My emotions are changed to almost nothing but anger and dissatisfaction to make me more motivated to fight and compete (which wins and takes care of mates). Even my body has changed into a bulky mess for the sole purpose of strength and impressing females, it's all utilitarian and no longer concerned about me personally. I have no interest in doing any of that but every fiber of my flesh is being dedicated to it and I'm losing any other abilities I once had. My biggest interests are pretty much the exact opposite so you can see why I have almost no talent anymore.

[–]Node 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

A strong and functional body is pretty useful in general. But if you're still in your teenage years, those hormones do drive you pretty nuts for awhile.

Even if your real interest is painting landscape scenes (random example), being strong and fit will just make you better at the physical act of applying paint to the canvas.

The thoughts and 'instincts' can be pretty controlling. Would you be able to see a therapist to help get you back on the track you want to be on? A therapist using CBT might be a place to start. The relationship between you and the therapist is usually pretty critical, so it might take seeing a few different therapists before finding one you who understands you, and you can work with.

Aside from the therapy, and aside from the autism, my approach would be to suggest you throw yourself into your actual interests as much as you can. What are your actual interests?

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Even if your real interest is painting landscape scenes (random example), being strong and fit will just make you better at the physical act of applying paint to the canvas.

It will also drain the necessary creativity, color perception, emotion, and artistic ability. Also women actually have finer motor skills because they have less muscles to control. This is why their handwriting and sketches are so neat compared to mens'.

My actual interests are games, programming, art, writing, and talking on forums. I like listening to music and watching the same videos over and over again too. I like making up my own designs and ideas and stories. I also liked life better when it was more emotional and vivid, even physical senses especially colors, and I could think clearly and actually focus on things and enjoy them. And wasn't launched into foaming-at-the-mouth anger at every minor annoyance. And I actually had some creativity in me. Pretty much the exact opposite skillsets that I'm being developed for. And I have to be honest, almost exactly the same as /u/cqtz.

[–]Node 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I also liked life better when it was more emotional and vivid

I have a sense that we tend to lose that wonder and degree of emotional connection to the world as we grow out of childhood. I remember all the things you describe as you say, much more emotional and vivid when I was new.

foaming-at-the-mouth anger at every minor annoyance

This is the autism? Having that kind of reaction has got to be annoying, in and of itself.

When you say "I'm being developed for", you're referring to the physical changes your body is undergoing, right? At first I thought you meant your 'handlers' were trying to force you in that direction.

I like listening to music and watching the same videos over and over again too.

What do you think about reading? I'm wondering if being handed the emotions you're supposed to feel (as videos tend to do) might be subtracting from your ability to have your own natural emotions? Somewhat similar to the way certain drugs mimic substances naturally created in the body, and diminish your capacity to create those on your own. My personal favorite is the full LOTR trilogy. 1008 pages that will stimulate your imagination like nothing else. Easily worth 10 readings. I'm only up to 7 so far.

As for the female handwriting, I always attributed that to their need to be perceived as pretty and attractive, even down to something as mundane as their handwriting.

[–]Vulptex 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have a sense that we tend to lose that wonder and degree of emotional connection to the world as we grow out of childhood. I remember all the things you describe as you say, much more emotional and vivid when I was new.

See, women get to keep it their whole lives. Most of them anyway, unless they get really high testosterone or have other complications. We lose it because its only purpose is for personal well-being, and the male is reformed to be purely utilitarian. Most men embrace it because most humans are brainwashed, but I persisted. That's good because I'm awake, but also bad because I'm consciously aware of my misfortune.

This is the autism? Having that kind of reaction has got to be annoying, in and of itself.

This is the result of male puberty.

When you say "I'm being developed for", you're referring to the physical changes your body is undergoing, right? At first I thought you meant your 'handlers' were trying to force you in that direction.

Mostly mental ones, but the physical ones annoy me too. It's updating everything else but my inner self is somehow immune to maturing, and the new stuff doesn't match me.

What do you think about reading? I'm wondering if being handed the emotions you're supposed to feel (as videos tend to do) might be subtracting from your ability to have your own natural emotions? Somewhat similar to the way certain drugs mimic substances naturally created in the body, and diminish your capacity to create those on your own. My personal favorite is the full LOTR trilogy. 1008 pages that will stimulate your imagination like nothing else. Easily worth 10 readings. I'm only up to 7 so far.

No, and I can't picture books happening in my mind as well as I used to. And I can't focus on them either. And as much as I love reading, in the end I need to be creating. But unfortunately that's a female role so my brain traded that ability in for other skills I have no use for.

As for the female handwriting, I always attributed that to their need to be perceived as pretty and attractive, even down to something as mundane as their handwriting.

Even if you write really slow, you can't mimic it. They simply have more control over their hands, and their brains are more creative and artistic than ours. We're more stoic and utilitarian. Which I really hate because as practical as I am I personally love the former and hate the latter. But alas, my brain thinks the opposite.