Reddit Neoliberals think I'm a "Fascist"

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[–]Node 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (9 children)

You're good at communicating in English text, which, ironically, makes you poor at self-assessment. There are probably other skills and abilities you possess that you're discounting too.

I'm pretty much a mistake. I'm kinda smart but can't do anything

You're also good at negative self-talk. The problem with that, which you seem to be experiencing... Is that we tend to believe what we tell ourselves. That in turn (our beliefs about ourselves) has a major effect on how we perform.

It is my guess that a major part of your issue stems from your constant barrage of self-talk claiming that you suck.

even if I could my emotions are too tanked for me to enjoy it as much as I should.

Further, I bet you would experience a noticeable change in your outlook and emotional responses if you were to eliminate that "I really suck" self-talk, and replace it with more positive statements. I mean, it's like you have a troll following you around 24 hours per day telling you you suck. That would be wearing on anyone.

[–]Vulptex 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (8 children)

Pretty much everyone is good at speaking their native language lol. You can't deny the results. It's not my mindset either because it was like a switch just flipped one day at about the age I was entering puberty. It serves a practical purpose for the species but it sucks for me. I have autism which means I have to be able to do my special interests or I will become extremely frustrated, and both my development and social expectations are completely misaligned with that. I no longer have the ability to do them nor will society usually afford me with hardly any time to spend on them, because men are supposed to be workaholics doing everything for women. I also need emotional depth and sensory vividness in my life or I will go insane. That was taken from me too. I'm supposed to focus exclusively on working, impressing women, providing for women, and passing my genes to babies, and my brain and body gave up everything for that to my dismay. I guess I'm supposed to like it but I'm not even sure I'm human anymore, nothing they do makes any sense to me. And I honestly don't see why I should have flesh at all, I was always confused about why ghosts would go so far to inhabit a body again because to me that's like being released from prison and wanting to break back in. My existence serves a purely practical purpose to society and nothing else, my well-being be damned. And when I do go insane, I'm seen as a burden, a manipulative jerk, or even a creep. I have lots of problems but I at least want my mind back. And seeing people who are exactly like me but never had to deal with most of this is just even more irritating.

[–]Node 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Ah, I can see how autism could be a problem.

because men are supposed to be workaholics doing everything for women.

Who is telling you this? That's just for the normie workhorses who don't know any better. People with autism (and other non-normies) can just ignore that bullshit. Practically speaking, that's a good way to end up losing everything you've ever done or created.

I guess I'm supposed to like it but I'm not even sure I'm human anymore, nothing they do makes any sense to me.

Your expectations for humans is probably set way too high. They do not make sense, and the vast majority are so easily manipulated that they end up living as people do in our society.

If you'd really like to have your mind blown, spend some years acquiring marketing and other 'influence' skills. Not sure if the autism would help or hurt there, but the experience would open your eyes to the true nature of people. (Don't actually do this unless you want to be even more separated from your fellow humans.)

As for the "supposed to" part, no. But if your autism has put you in a position where you're having to please case workers or bosses, then you'll probably have to play along with them to some extent.

I don't want to do any of that. (from next comment)

Then don't. If you think people don't make sense now, getting a human female emotionally attached to you would be asking for trouble. You know why police hate domestic disputes? It's because they often drive people insane. Given your autism, that might not be what you need in your life.

Anyway, that's my way too long reply.

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I don't. But I can barely do any of the things I like any more because all of my development for the better part of a decade now has been invested into that (against my wishes).

[–]Node 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Are you saying you're working with parents or a counselor who are pushing you in that direction? That can be tough when they have power over your choices.

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

No, I'm saying my brain has dedicated all my brainpower and development to sex. My brain was rewired to make me more stoic and sacrificed cognitive function for depth perception and coordination. My emotions are changed to almost nothing but anger and dissatisfaction to make me more motivated to fight and compete (which wins and takes care of mates). Even my body has changed into a bulky mess for the sole purpose of strength and impressing females, it's all utilitarian and no longer concerned about me personally. I have no interest in doing any of that but every fiber of my flesh is being dedicated to it and I'm losing any other abilities I once had. My biggest interests are pretty much the exact opposite so you can see why I have almost no talent anymore.

[–]Node 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

A strong and functional body is pretty useful in general. But if you're still in your teenage years, those hormones do drive you pretty nuts for awhile.

Even if your real interest is painting landscape scenes (random example), being strong and fit will just make you better at the physical act of applying paint to the canvas.

The thoughts and 'instincts' can be pretty controlling. Would you be able to see a therapist to help get you back on the track you want to be on? A therapist using CBT might be a place to start. The relationship between you and the therapist is usually pretty critical, so it might take seeing a few different therapists before finding one you who understands you, and you can work with.

Aside from the therapy, and aside from the autism, my approach would be to suggest you throw yourself into your actual interests as much as you can. What are your actual interests?

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Even if your real interest is painting landscape scenes (random example), being strong and fit will just make you better at the physical act of applying paint to the canvas.

It will also drain the necessary creativity, color perception, emotion, and artistic ability. Also women actually have finer motor skills because they have less muscles to control. This is why their handwriting and sketches are so neat compared to mens'.

My actual interests are games, programming, art, writing, and talking on forums. I like listening to music and watching the same videos over and over again too. I like making up my own designs and ideas and stories. I also liked life better when it was more emotional and vivid, even physical senses especially colors, and I could think clearly and actually focus on things and enjoy them. And wasn't launched into foaming-at-the-mouth anger at every minor annoyance. And I actually had some creativity in me. Pretty much the exact opposite skillsets that I'm being developed for. And I have to be honest, almost exactly the same as /u/cqtz.

[–]Node 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I also liked life better when it was more emotional and vivid

I have a sense that we tend to lose that wonder and degree of emotional connection to the world as we grow out of childhood. I remember all the things you describe as you say, much more emotional and vivid when I was new.

foaming-at-the-mouth anger at every minor annoyance

This is the autism? Having that kind of reaction has got to be annoying, in and of itself.

When you say "I'm being developed for", you're referring to the physical changes your body is undergoing, right? At first I thought you meant your 'handlers' were trying to force you in that direction.

I like listening to music and watching the same videos over and over again too.

What do you think about reading? I'm wondering if being handed the emotions you're supposed to feel (as videos tend to do) might be subtracting from your ability to have your own natural emotions? Somewhat similar to the way certain drugs mimic substances naturally created in the body, and diminish your capacity to create those on your own. My personal favorite is the full LOTR trilogy. 1008 pages that will stimulate your imagination like nothing else. Easily worth 10 readings. I'm only up to 7 so far.

As for the female handwriting, I always attributed that to their need to be perceived as pretty and attractive, even down to something as mundane as their handwriting.

[–]Vulptex 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have a sense that we tend to lose that wonder and degree of emotional connection to the world as we grow out of childhood. I remember all the things you describe as you say, much more emotional and vivid when I was new.

See, women get to keep it their whole lives. Most of them anyway, unless they get really high testosterone or have other complications. We lose it because its only purpose is for personal well-being, and the male is reformed to be purely utilitarian. Most men embrace it because most humans are brainwashed, but I persisted. That's good because I'm awake, but also bad because I'm consciously aware of my misfortune.

This is the autism? Having that kind of reaction has got to be annoying, in and of itself.

This is the result of male puberty.

When you say "I'm being developed for", you're referring to the physical changes your body is undergoing, right? At first I thought you meant your 'handlers' were trying to force you in that direction.

Mostly mental ones, but the physical ones annoy me too. It's updating everything else but my inner self is somehow immune to maturing, and the new stuff doesn't match me.

What do you think about reading? I'm wondering if being handed the emotions you're supposed to feel (as videos tend to do) might be subtracting from your ability to have your own natural emotions? Somewhat similar to the way certain drugs mimic substances naturally created in the body, and diminish your capacity to create those on your own. My personal favorite is the full LOTR trilogy. 1008 pages that will stimulate your imagination like nothing else. Easily worth 10 readings. I'm only up to 7 so far.

No, and I can't picture books happening in my mind as well as I used to. And I can't focus on them either. And as much as I love reading, in the end I need to be creating. But unfortunately that's a female role so my brain traded that ability in for other skills I have no use for.

As for the female handwriting, I always attributed that to their need to be perceived as pretty and attractive, even down to something as mundane as their handwriting.

Even if you write really slow, you can't mimic it. They simply have more control over their hands, and their brains are more creative and artistic than ours. We're more stoic and utilitarian. Which I really hate because as practical as I am I personally love the former and hate the latter. But alas, my brain thinks the opposite.