https://ask.metafilter.com/356770/Why-do-I-feel-wrong-all-the-time-and-what-can-I-do-about-it
I've often had a feeling - not constantly, but on and off - of feeling that I am doing everything wrong. Lately, it's been getting worse, so I'd like tips from anyone who's found a way to deal with feeling something similar. Apologies for the heaps upon heaps of beans inside.
I've often had a feeling - not constantly, but on and off - of feeling that I am doing everything wrong. It's a kind of diffuse shame that's not linked to just some types of actions, but more generally any given thing that I happen to be doing - my choice to engage in one type of activity over another at that specific moment, the music I'm listening to, the way I cook or clean, my overall life plans. I'm constantly worried either of being inadvertently rude or self-centred, or about being a doormat.
Lately, probably because of displaced covid stress and/or the need to start applying for professional leadership positions, it's been getting a lot worse, and it's started to affect my work. My work is very flexible and self-guided (I'm a researcher), and I have several projects running in parallel. When I'm working on Project A, I make progress with the help of lists of tasks, but the whole time I feel deep shame 1) about the way I've listed or split up the tasks and, especially 2) about not working on Project B. If I switch to Project B, I feel that that, too, is the wrong choice, and that I should be working on Project A. I have a strong sense that I cannot let my coworkers know that I'm working on Project A, otherwise they'll judge me for working on Project B (or vice versa) - even though I know intellectually that they wouldn't. It's started to lead to general procrastination and trying to hop between tasks in a way that doesn't really work. Sometimes I am in tears feeling that I am doing literally everything wrong, and that I'm...just basically fucked, since regardless of what I do I'll inevitably end up unable to take care of myself, succeed, or fulfil my obligations. I have recurring nightmares about accidentally killing children or pets (I don't have either).
I suspect that there are a couple of contributing factors:
growing up (and, frankly, still, though it affects me less), my father had very strong opinions on...pretty much everything, and he would give me exercises or tasks to 'help me figure things out in an independent way' (but which needed to involve me coming up with the 'right' solution, i.e. his one). The idea that my mother and I might have equally valid opinions, tastes or ways of doing things just weren't (and aren't) part of his worldview.
I was exposed to different cultural influences from both parents, my school, and the wider culture of the country we were in. Generally I consider that to have been a blessing, but it meant that I sometimes got teased or ridiculed for doing things in the way more common to one of those cultures rather than to another (e.g., if I used phrases commonly used in my school in front of my parent who shared that language but was used to more old-fashioned phrasing, or if I brought food to school that was common in the culture of my other parent)
I live in yet another country now (Spain), and I enjoy being here in general, but I'm constantly afraid that I will be judged (including professionally) for behaviour that doesn't fit with the dominant culture here. Contributing is the fact that I don't actually want to fit into the dominant culture. I find it more formal and more strongly hierarchical than I'd like, and sometimes low-level sexist - and since we're a multinational workplace with an international focus (research), I feel that I should be able to push back more and be myself. When I try to do so, I feel wrong because I'm being a bad guest in this country, and also scared that any judgement I incur will affect me professionally (even though this is over trivial things like word choices, or what I'm wearing). When I do, I feel wrong because I feel that as a more senior person I should give be an example in speaking honestly, taking initiative, and being myself. People here also often comment on others' clothes or habits, which makes me super paranoid that they similarly notice every small thing that I do (so, the usual words of reassurance that other people don't think about you, which worked well for me when I lived in Canada, aren't helping me here).
I have always been physically clumsy and forgetful. Especially when I'm stressed or if I'm in a new environment, I lose things, leave things behind, drop things, walk into things. So to some extent the need to make sure that I'm doing things 'right' is real - if I slip up and don't pay attention, that's my wallet gone or a piece of lab equipment broken.
I went to a couple months' worth of therapy recently, and while my therapist was kind and reassuring I don't feel that I was able to really convey the problem to her. I was interested in trying to get at and address the root issue, and we spent a lot of time focusing on one specific example (sending emails in a timely fashion, because I was agonizing about my word choices). Throughout, I had a strong feeling that I was wrong for being there and taking up my therapist's time with a trivial problem at a time when people are struggling to cope with covid-related grief, trauma and job losses. She did ask what I meant by 'wrong' a lot, but I didn't really know how to answer (as in, yes, I know that the idea of 'wrong' is a bit silly and that I'm an adult, but the fact that this isn't a logical feeling is the whole reason why I'm trying to understand and solve it). She told me that I seemed like a kind and considerate person, and that I should be guided by my values - but that doesn't really help in cases where I'd like to be more assertive, or when I'd like to simply stop feeling that I'll be judged for everything. Her final suggestion was that I write "I am good enough" on a piece of paper and look at it. That honestly feels a bit silly, and so far it's not really working for me.
I'm trying to figure out my next best steps. The therapist I went to was one of the few who speak my native language here, but she can't legally make formal diagnoses. I could go back to her, request another therapist at the same centre who speaks my language, try remote therapy with somebody in another country, or try a therapist who's in the Spanish system (my Spanish isn't great but I can hold a conversation in it, including in the workplace). Or I could work through it myself using online or other resources. I'm trying to prioritise getting enough exercise and sleep.
For anyone who's gone through something similar, what helped, and/or how would you suggest that I start to (re-)tackle this in therapy? Extra helpful would be answers from anyone in academia. Thanks!!
there doesn't seem to be anything here