all 26 comments

[–]goonmessiah 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

That is awful. Im sorry you’re having to process it all because it sounds like your “friend” is a mess.

Just remember while you’re processing all of these feelings that it wasn’t you who was sending mixed messages.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–]oofreesouloo 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    A friend of mine suggested that she was deliberately playing me so i could serve as a source of validation for her. In hindsight that's logical, but i never got cruel vibes from her in the like 15+ years I've known her. Maybe I'm too trusting. Idk.

    This. Look, I don't know you or your history and I can only speak from personal experience. Don't. Trust. Women. Ever. Not even lesbian or bi women, but lesbians are definitely the more trustworthy when it comes to dating. Based on my 10 years since I've realised I'm a lesbian and talking to women and having several crushes and so on, I know one thing for sure - women love attention. They literally do ANYTHING for attention. They will lead you on just to have validation. It isn't about you, it is about them. The truth is that women who ACTUALLY date women in a serious long term way are really really few. I would argue only lesbians and a very small percentage of bi women.

    So don't take it personally and I'm sorry this has happened to you. Been there, done that, more than once, with different women.

    [–]Destresse 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    She sounds low-empathy and thrill-seeking. Run.

    Lol, in all seriousness though, you don't say one bad thing about her in there and I still got a super negative image. Why is that?

    This raised a question in me, do you have a pattern of falling for low-empathy women?

    Something to consider: self-hate isn't innate, people develop this strategy to make sense of abusive environments. "It must be me" gives an illusion of control. It's easier than thinking "I'm in danger and have no way out." This is why many, many, many people with low self-esteem generally fall for shitty people and show no interest in balanced people. Ironically it's the safe option. It's what they know, it's familiar, "it must be me" means shitty people don't exist and they're safe. And if they get hurt then it's not a shitty person who hurt them, since "it must be me", right? They flagelate themselves for a while and go on to fall for the next low-empathy person they can find. It validates the self-hate, and allows them to keep avoiding their early trauma that made them hate themselves in the first place.

    I'm not sure you needed that lecture lol. That was also very simplified as self-hate manifests in many different ways. But if you do have a pattern of falling for low-empathy women, then... It's not that you're disgusting, it's that you're unconsciously trying to protect yourself.

    [–]soundsituation 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    This is hard to believe when you have low self-esteem, but the fact that she hooked up with a guy 40 years her senior only says things about her, not you. It's not like this old guy is universally preferable to you; it was one choice made by one person and says absolutely nothing about your desirability or worth.

    She apparently has never had sex with a girl other than in a 3some that involved a man.

    Did you know this before you asked her out?

    I think therapy will help you with boundaries and with developing a less distorted self-image. As for surviving the pain: I think we never feel more emotionally connected to ourselves than when we're going through shit. Journal, read poetry, watch tragic love stories, listen to Boys for might sound like twisting the knife a little bit but it's what works for me. Heartbreak feels horrible but it also makes you feel really alive.

    [–]artemisiagrey 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Wow. I'm so sorry you went through all that! I think therapy is a good idea. It's hard to trust when people constantly give mixed messages, much less when it comes from someone you consider a friend.

    Right now, just focus on yourself. I would recommend giving yourself some space from this woman while you're processing your feelings. If after that if you feel like you can still be friends with her, have an honest talk about why and how she hurt you.

    [–]Lizzythelezzo 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I'm so sorry to hear that - but honestly, it sounds like that woman is pretty unstable. My experience is that women who lead people on just for attention usually have fairly serious mental health issues, and aren't worth your time anyway. I've had lots of women flirt with me without any intention of dating me, so I've got to the point where I only take direct communication seriously (i.e. someone saying they are into women and declaring they want to date me specifically). I've found flirting means nothing to a lot of people. I'm glad you're checking into psychotherapy as it really helped me and sounds like you could do with some extra support. Sending hugs your way!

    [–]WildwoodFlower 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    First of all, I think you are going down the right path by seeing a therapist. Second of all, since this woman was complimenting your pubic hair, of all things, I absolutely understand why you would take that to mean she's interested. Since other people noticed that she seemed to like you that way, then there probably is/was something there. But clearly, this woman has issues. The fact that she was messing around with a 60-year-old dude when she was in her 20s is proof of that. And no, that doesn't mean you are disgusting. I doubt it has anything to do with you at all. If I had to guess, it probably means the 60-year-old had $$$ and she wanted a sugar daddy. Or if the guy was her boss or her professor or something like that, it could have been some weird sexual harassment type of deal. Plenty of woman have sex with men for reasons that have nothing to do with the woman getting any physical pleasure out of it.

    Anyhow, I'm sorry you are going through such a bad time because of this woman. I hope you can find someone who will treat you right, because you deserve it!

    [–]Elvira95 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    I get the being a lesbian and a weirdo, having deep body issues and selfesteem issues, I always felt both and always said I didn't need to be weird in my sexuality too as I've struggle and still do with so much personally. Anyway, you should read about stoicism. You're 30 and your rant looks like the one of a 15 years old, no offense. What I mean is you don't have to take people behaviour so personally and depend on people validation. Dating is hard for homosexual women. Lots of bi women are not really into women, if not for not meaningless occasional fun. Maybe she just like that, not really wanting women for relationship, or maybe you aren't attractive to her, and was just kidding you. Women who are into women for serious are not many, and women can be assholes as you see. That's life.

    [–]totallyathrowaway87 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    It may be hard, but you really shouldn't be comparing yourself to a 60 year old man. Its definitely strange, but this is why she's bi and you're not.

    In addition just because she's bi doesn't mean she's equally attracted to women and men. I think it's easy to overlook this when you're only attracted to one sex.

    I wouldnt group bi women together, you should be asking them how into women they are in the first place. In my experience most bi women are more into men than women, into both equally is a minority but not uncommon, and into women more is about as rare as actually being a lesbian.

    There's a lot of potential to get burned if you go into something like that without knowing what you're doing. Its not like they're callous they just aren't what many women seem to expect.

    In this case though, from what you say, she's got a lot of red flags by way of attention seeking. The 60 year old man thing feels to me like she wants to be a trophy girlfriend for the attention. It also doesn't seem like she's considered how a lesbian woman might feel.

    Honestly it's not easy to learn those warning signs without ample experience... Which is hard to get when it's already so hard to find other lesbians in the first place.

    Also as for the 60 year old man thing, I've known plenty of lesbian couples with 20 to 30 year age differences. Again some women are legitimately into that. I'd probably be ok with 10 to 15 without any second thoughts. What you think about it isn't what others think about it.

    [–]MyLongestJourney 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (16 children)

    She apparently has never had sex with a girl other than in a 3some that involved a man. Shes also done things with some 60 year old dude while in her mid 20s, and I cant stop thinking about how I'm so disgusting that even a 60 year old man is preferable to me

    You are not disgusting. She just likes dick. By the way,everyone can improve their looks by diet and exercise and if one can afford it,why not,also with some plastic surgery (within reason) .

    [–][deleted]  (15 children)


      [–]MyLongestJourney 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (14 children)

      Don't bet too much money

      [–]soundsituation 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

      How do you two know each other?

      [–]MyLongestJourney 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I have no idea who this person is.

      [–][deleted] 0 insightful - 1 fun0 insightful - 0 fun1 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      I saw her post occasionally on LGBDropTheT

      [–]soundsituation[M] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I don't see how you interpret that as her being "fucking everywhere"; it's two subs with significant subscriber overlap. Regardless, your comment history is full of these non sequitur attacks on other users. Please engage civilly. It's like the only requirement on this site.

      [–][deleted] 0 insightful - 1 fun0 insightful - 0 fun1 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

      I already won based on your answers! Are you one of those radfems? Since you think It's a choice to be gay

      [–]MyLongestJourney 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

      I am a Greek Biologist who happens to be both a woman and homosexual. And I am fed up with the idiocy of the Anglosphere.

      Edit. I do not believe that being gay is a choice you sycophant.

      [–][deleted] 0 insightful - 1 fun0 insightful - 0 fun1 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

      And I'm a professor at Harvard University, sure. I want proof of that! And why call me a sycophant?

      [–]MyLongestJourney 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

      I was one of the 100 original members of r/truelesbians and a mod there for several months (until the founder EnglishRose decided to allow male Ts to post there,to save the sub from getting banned and brought a very T friendly head mod to enforce the new policy) "professor".

      Edit. The sycophant was a mother tongue (Greek) error. You see in modern Greek a sycophant (συκοφάντης) is someone who defames someone.I looked it up and in English it means something different.Meh.

      [–][deleted] 0 insightful - 1 fun0 insightful - 0 fun1 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

      Got it, i'm so sorry. I'm a bit impulsive at times and I let my emotions get the best of me...

      [–]MyLongestJourney 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      No worries.

      [–]UWUness 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

      Hey there.

      To answer your questions:

      Lesbians exist. I am one and I've never been close to a penis.

      The interactions I have with men are out of "necessity", such as interacting with male professors, taxi drivers, cashiers a the supermarket, and family members, all of which take place at a distance.

      Anything more than "friendship" with males arouses revulsion and extreme discomfort.

      I would never wish I were "into men". Gross.

      Whatever you call a woman who has never been with a man, that's me. I'd consider myself pure.

      [–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

      Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to answer me...I really appreciate it. Let's just say that i'm an obsessive person and on certain topics I lose my mind such as this one...To me It's such a delicate thing to talk about. By the way i thought i was the only one feeling this way, really, but I'm very happy to see that I was indeed wrong! Women like you give me hope and let me know that i'm not alone in this. I swear that I have no problem in being a lesbian myself, i'm quite at peace with that. It's just that some other women make me feel insecure because of the way they talk about their supposed attraction. It's so weird, like how many girls in the community say to prefer sex toys know...actual female genitals haha...But I never hear the same with straight people and it truly makes me feel weird, it makes me doubt the sincerity of their words. Or when they say that lesbians don't have sex this or that way, they are twisting my mind! I don't know who to trust anymore...I know that people lie most of the time but I wish they didn't when it comes to their sexualities. We already live in an extremely hostile world and they certainly don't help with their ambiguous statements.