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[–]funk_transcender 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I wasn't doing too great pre-pandemic honestly, I was still recovering from a toxic relationship. During the pandemic, it's been a bit rough. I joined a fully remote company just as the pandemic was starting to kick off (and I truly only joined the company so I could work remotely...), and the job has been pretty rough, and when you combine that with living alone in lockdown... it's really hard. Most of the human interaction i have is with coworkers I don't particularly like being fairly critical over zoom.

Vaccinations are being rolled out now fairly speedily in the UK, and the lockdown is soon to come to an end. My biggest fear honestly is what I will do after things are mostly back to normal. I've been in survival mode for a while, knowing that I wasn't very happy in life, but I had an excuse to lean on. My fear is that when this all happens, the isolation I'm going through will hit me on a whole other level when I suddenly see people walking about in parks, going out for drinks, anything...

I moved in with a friend (honestly, more of an acquaintance) after the previous relationship broke down, since I was already isolated and didn't want to be living alone during lockdown. We had a pretty awful falling out a week ago, and in general I realised over the course of living together that he is a completely different person to who I thought. It's really different knowing someone in university and them being in the same friendship circles and living with them. I knew the idea of moving in with him was probably a bit of a risk, but I really wasn't expecting he was the kind of person to shout at me in the middle of a petty disagreement and making really derogatory comments about my appearance. He also wasn't even in the house for most of lockdown anyway, so I was living alone for significant chunks of time

So yeah, honestly I'm really struggling. I'm thinking about getting some counselling, but that might have to wait a month. When the gyms reopen, I'm going to have to sign up just to be doing something different honestly. Maybe I'll change jobs and do something in an office, but I work as a software developer and as much as there are good people in the industry, there really is a 'bro' culture that puts me off spending >40hrs with these people in close physical proximity hearing locker room talk all day 🤢. I'll probably move to another city as well, I just don't know where at this point.

I had also met someone, we got along really well and clicked, and were going to be meeting up and seeing where things go, but after 3 months of intimate conversations and late night calls, she decided she didn't want this anymore. With the above mentioned, I obviously wasn't in the right place really to be in a relationship, but we connected on such a deep level and it all happened so organically I kind of thought normal rules wouldn't apply.

Jesus christ this was negative. The past 18 months have just been really rough. I know it has to get better at some point, it's just the when, how, and where, that leave me totally confused. I feel like 5 or 6 core things went wrong all at the same time, and then with the pandemic thrown in... it's just a lot, and there's days where it doesn't feel like there's enough of a foundation to rebuild up. I know I need to keep my head up, and at the very least I'm grateful to have a stable career right now.