Feeling totally crazy after meeting a girl off tinder.

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[–]peaked2020 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

If someone vastly more attractive than you wants to date, there’s a good chance there’s a reason why they’re doing that. Most hot people pair with other hot people... the reason the “hot but crazy” stereotype exists is that the ones who are hot, but too crazy for the other hot people, go for people lower down... the average ones who will put up with it because of looks.

You took a girl that is addicted to more than one hard drug, recently moved to a place where she knows no one to escape people (bad sign... sign that she is drama and undtable), told you inappropriately personal stuff immediately (bad sign), suffering from multiple traumas, never been with a woman without alcohol (another sign that this is not going to work), and told yourself you were in love because she was hot, listened to you, and good in bed when you were lonely. The red flags are everywhere and probably would’ve only worsened with time. At least she had the sense to try to work on herself first

[–]verystablegenius 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (3 children)

side note- she isn’t vastly hotter than me. we are of same attractiveness

[–]peaked2020 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Well it seems like you’re not used to attention from attractive people

[–]verystablegenius 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I am used to attention from attractive people. Idk how you came to this conclusion.

[–]BigMommyMilkers 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

she was the hottest girl I've ever seen

we are of the same attractiveness

Lmao well at least you have confidence in yourself

[–]HelloMomo 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Like, why are you on tinder then?

I'll admit, I pulled that one once. She wanted something really serious; I thought I did to, and only halfway in did I realize that I wasn't actually in a good place for that. I told myself, "Yeah, its fine, I'll make time," but when it actually came down to it, school and my new kittens got higher priority. I should've figured that out first, yeah, but I really didn't know until the real situation was facing me.

[–]piylot 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm sorry you had this experience. If it gives you any clarity to know, there are people out there who will treat emotional intimacy as a no strings attached exchange the same way someone might seek out casual sex. If it's mutually understood to be just that - a shared experience of pseudo-intimacy to fill a desire - then it's harmless. The problem is nobody ever says "hey, this doesn't mean I have deep feelings for you", and so the other person will most often interpret the situation as based on genuine connection.

I'm personally of the belief that it's never too early or too serious to ask someone what they're looking for — it doesn't mean you're asking them for monogamy or commitment at that point, just clarifying what they're open to or not since that can vary a lot between tinder users. The red flags have been listed already, eg oversharing. It shows a lot about how someone builds connection if they share vulnerable information without establishing if you're someone they can trust. She's lucky she met someone who was kind to her (as far as I can tell you were), the same people who behave like this while dating are also putting themselves at major risk of attractive manipulative or abusive people.

You don't have to get right back on tinder if you don't want to. Be kind to yourself through it. You can't always prevent getting your heart hurt in dating. Even if you are warned about what red flags are, it's very difficult to end things with someone you're attracted to and interested in (especially when the dating scene is so bleak) when you notice them.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

We're working off incomplete information, so no one will be able to tell you what was going on with this woman, even if we've done the same thing. I have used the "I have a lot going on right now" both as a low-effort excuse and because it was true even though I really liked the other woman, but the end result is the same: she isn't willing to expend any more time for you, and that's really what you need to come to terms with, because you'll likely never really know the "why" for sure. And this woman in particular sounds like she could have a million possibilities for why she's acting this way.

You're allowed to be hurt and angry and there's nothing wrong with taking some time to sulk over it (emphasis on SOME TIME, don't wallow in it). If you do go back on Tinder, put in your profile that you're interested in something serious and introduce the conversation somewhat early into relationship, though it's not a guarantee you won't get hurt again.

[–]verystablegenius 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you. You're right. Knowing why isn't really helpful - perhaps even more painful - and no matter what, the fundamental is still the same. As you said, she is unwilling to spend any more time on or with me. That's all I need to know. I already feel better since creating this post. Thank you for your input.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm glad you're feeling better and I'm sorry you were blindsided.

[–]Destresse 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Like some others said, what you've described raises some red flags. It isn't very surprising she had a lot to work on before feeling like she'd be a good partner.

I have never done that, but I have realised after something like five minutes of conversation with a woman on tinder that I'm absolutely not ready for what it entails. Yet, I feel extremely lonely, and horny I have to admit, and I've been a virgin for way too long, and I have never even kissed anyone, and time runs its course and the older I get the more pathetic and desperate I feel. So yeah, sometimes I put all my issues aside, and I try to date. The urge is real, so yes, sometimes we make bad decisions and then we backpedal. If anyone shares deep trauma with you, you should brace yourself for "wait, actually, I don't think I can...", because that'll be the end result for roughly 80% of us lol.

With trauma and addiction issues, you can never know. It can vary a lot from people to people. Maybe she's worried she's not good enough for you, and maybe if you chased her she'd cave and it'd actually be good for her. Or maybe she's scared, and that means you should absolutely keep your distance, and if you still haven't moved on after a few month, you could try contacting her again. Test the waters. Maybe she's manipulative, "did everything right" on purpose to charm you, but ultimately decided not to pursue you so she just used a general excuse. Who knows...

What did she answer, when you asked her what her text meant? Clarifying intent and meaning is something I always try to do. Sometimes it annoys people lol. But I don't like being in the dark, misunderstandings happen too frequently then, and you miss opportunities to really connect. I feel you assumed a lot without clarification.

If she stays vague, doesn't answer, avoids the topic: she is indeed trying to cut ties. Otherwise, since she shared personal trauma very quickly, she'll tell you what's tormenting her. I think.

Sorry I wrote a lot not to say much in the end lol. If you both were really into each other, I'd suggest trying to understand what's really going on. It'll help you get closure too.

[–]verystablegenius 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you so much for your response. As per your question, she never responded to what I said. So yeah, she's completely uninterested in even answering my clarifying question. Lol. I'm so emberassed.

[–]Destresse 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Aw, damn... I know the feeling haha. Don't be too embarrassed, at least it was a very good experience while it lasted!

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I’m sorry that happened to you.

My ex girlfriend did something similar, but we were planning a life together so not 100% the same. But I can definitely relate to the whiplash you’re feeling it’s very disorienting especially when the person seems to back up their words with actions.

It’s not your fault by the way. It can happen to anyone no matter how careful they are or how fast or slow they take it with a person.

[–]verystablegenius 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

what happened with you and your girlfriend?

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

She broke up with me one night out of the blue.

She was telling me all day how excited she was for me to move in with her, for us to get married, how much she loved me and then 5 hours later she woke up from a nap, called me told me she wanted to move to a different city, to be closer to her parents, and then asked me what I thought and I said “well you didn’t mention me in there...do you want me to be there?” And she goes “I guess not”

I came to find out months later after getting annual lab work done that she had given me herpes, confronted her with that newfound information and then she proceeded to tell me that she had been unhappy for the last 5-6 months of the relationship and didn’t want to say anything because “it was never the right time” with my birthday and then Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine’s Day she just couldn’t find the right time. So for 5-6 months she told me she loved me every day, told me she was excited to marry me, would send me houses she wanted us to look at, met my family, told my mom she was looking forward to us having a family together, traveled with me, slept with me, but knew she wanted to end things the whole time.