Upfront, I've never dated anyone before in my life. I'm as green as they come in regards to matters of dating, romance, and intimacy. I wasted my youth being closeted for years, only coming out after a near death experience due to a boating mishap at 30. In retrospect I shouldn't have waited that long or needed that as my catalyst, but that's how it played out.

I'm way behind and I'm not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, almost four years later. Initially I was convinced for the first couple years I'd just magically happen upon someone organically, in-person. With 35 now slowly creeping around the bend, I came to the stark realization earlier this year that it just isn't going to happen like that. I started trying different apps, sites, and trying harder to network. That is where it became all the more challenging and discouraging.

Due to the onset of a health condition that makes me look significantly younger/baby faced (and heavier, unfortunately, despite a very active lifestyle and almost vegan diet) than I should, I am mostly ignored outside the 18-21 crowd (which I really don't have much in common with). Plus, as insurance is fighting me tooth and nail about having the pituitary surgery to correct the problem, this perception issue is likely going to exist for at least another 1-5 years.

That said, I've tried to contact and converse with numerous women around my own age or older (2-10 years) and they're convinced I'm some kid lying about my age, or say it would make them look like a cougar despite me being near their age. The oldest women I've been able to make any progress with communication wise were 26 and 25. However, I jumped ship with one after she announced to me one day she actually identified as queer, not lesbian, and starting going hog wild with all the pro-queer/trans/non-binary rhetoric. The other, things were going okay until I mentioned a PC game I play in my spare time (out of boredom) and she took that as me being a gamer (no). She became so obsessed about video games, she wouldn't talk about anything else. I decided to part ways after she was completely non responsive to multiple attempts to talk about other things over a period of two weeks.

So far all that I've gotten first messages from are men, an assortment of bisexual or bicurious women and threesome offers (which isn't happening), or queer/non-binary/trans ID'd. The only lesbians who have contacted me were rather vocal about being polyamorous, which doesn't interest me.

I had thought that in a large urban area, over the course of almost four years, I'd be able to at least find one other actual lesbian who was 25+, monogamous, with moderately similar interests, and thought I was okay looking. I'm not too picky and not against a long-distance relationship to start off, either.

I'm at a total loss here as for what to do. I'm not sure what else I can do. I've had my profile looked over on apps/sites and everyone seems to think it is good and accurately captures my personality. Even though I'm not fond of it as an introvert, I did step out of my comfort zone for numerous events, clubs, and activities over the years (pre-COVID) with no success before trying the dating apps/sites route. Good number of straight and married bicurious/bisexual women socialized with me at those events/meetings, but other lesbians were a no go.

I'm open to just about any advice that I can reasonably implement. Not too much else I can do with the appearance issues until the surgery is scheduled, but anything else I can reasonably implement or try, I'm all ears (er, eyes in this case).