Internalized lesbophobia?

submitted by LesChameleon from self.Lesbians

I've got a question about a weird situation I found myself in with a girl I've recently met (both in early 20s). So we went on a couple of dates, she claimed she was lesbian but didn't come out until last year and before that she was in a long relationship with a guy. She's now out to her friends and family so I assumed there'd be no problems with her accepting herself but a few weeks in she tells me that it's apparently a red flag that I'd never dated a guy?!

I was baffled because, of course, I'm lesbian, but I had told her before that in my teens I thought I was bi first, so she considers that I should've had at least one serious relationship with a guy back then. I actually did try going out with guys in my teens but something just didn't sit right with me and after a few years I finally realized I'm just lesbian and that the guys were not the problem haha. I was also never in long-term relationship with a girl but that's due to the very homophobic environment I grew up in (and now we both live in a big city so we can date freely). I told her that it definitely wasn't easy for me not being able to be myself in my late teens and such, but she just disregarded that and I've had the impression that she thinks there's something wrong with me.

She also mentioned a dick a few times when we had sex and, as a lesbian, I'd never do that, I just genuinely never think about dicks (a big yes for dildos and strap-ons tho). I don't think I'll meet her again, but what do you think the deal is with her? Is it internalized lesbophobia, or is she maybe bi but currently more attracted to women / wants to explore?

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[–]CatsOrGoHome 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sounds like she is either bi or one of those lesbians that like to shame lesbians who would be considered goldstars because of their own trauma. Either way, she sounds like a mess to be honest.

[–]yousaythosethings 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I don’t think we can judge what her sexual orientation is from this. But it’s clear that she has some unresolved issues. She may be projecting her own insecurity on you. If she dated guys before realizing she was a lesbian and you didn’t, that might make her feel insecure and not “valid” (ugh hate that word). I’m a late bloomer so I understand the embarrassment of taking a long time to figure out and accept something very obvious about myself and I do have a fear that people will accuse me of lying, going through a phase, or having some sort of identity crisis over it even though I can see clearly how it ended up the way it did for me. But I would never project that on an any other woman or get aggressively defensive about it. I generally say “Most of the time I’m not an idiot, but in this very important way I was.” Oversimplification of course but I wouldn’t get into my story with someone I barely know. And I’m not at all bothered by the concept of a “gold star,” especially because I don’t think most people take it that seriously either way.

So maybe she’s bi, maybe she’s an insecure and jealous lesbian. Either way, she has some maturing to do, but thankfully she’s in her early 20s and has time.

What do you mean by “she mentioned a dick” during sex? What a turn-off lol. The constant infusion of men into the conversation could be because she’s new to realizing she’s a lesbian but still trying to shake off the socialization of living in a heteronormative world.

[–]LesChameleon[S] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I think you're right, whatever her orientation is she definitely needs to grow up and learn to accept herself. It seems that she still hasn't realized how big of an impact heteronormativity has on her perception of herself and other lesbians. And about the dick part, I don't wanna quote it online but it was mentioned in a way that implied how good a dick feels so you can imagine what a turn-off that was for me in that moment 😂😂

[–]TalerTest 19 insightful - 3 fun19 insightful - 2 fun20 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

What is Internalized lesbophobia? It's a concept I've never quite understood. I thought that Internalized lesbophobia would make a lesbian hate lesbians/being a lesbian, I didn't think that it makes lesbians love dick...

Sounds more like she's bisexual to me. If she thinks dick is so good, I don't know what she's doing with women. You're right about her needing to grow up, she sounds ridiculous. I can't imagine a lesbian who thinks that never being with a man is a red flag.

[–]yousaythosethings 12 insightful - 3 fun12 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Oof 😳 so yea not a very lesbian thought and I hope she figures out her own shit so that she realizes that no lesbian (or even bi woman I have to imagine) wants to hear about penises, much less how they feel in vaginas, during sexy time between women. And she will find all legs closed to her if this is her attitude.

Again, I’m an LBL over here and not a gold star but I struggle to imagine this mindset. Heteronormativity, bisexuality, whatevs. In any case, this is not partner material for a woman.

[–]FrostyNugs 13 insightful - 4 fun13 insightful - 3 fun14 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

"Lesbians" telling lesbians how wonderful dick is and how something must be wrong with them for not liking it. Great. My guess is she's going through an "omg men are traaaaash" phase and think that this cool, quirky, original take makes her a homosexual instead of just every chick on twitter.

[–]florasis 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Damn, it would be a total turn-off a girl talkibg about dildos or anything phallos, let alone dicks. She isn't a lesbian. But not even real bi women who love women want to talk about dick in bed with women.

Lesbophobia though, it sounds like a ridicolous word. Homophobia already exists. And since the queers nutjobs want to cancel the word homosexuality, it is more important to use it, rather than making up ridicolous words.

[–]Sarahh 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

sounds like a homophobic bi to me

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think that being so hung up on who you've dated and whether or not they were male is a red flag. Sounds immature / insecure. No idea what her deal is.