How do you normally start conversations on a dating app?

submitted by wherethelonelyroam from self.Lesbians

I'm quite new to dating and I'm not very sure how to approach talking and flirting. I think alot of times conversations come to a dead end. How do you normally keep things going? Hopefully you guys here can give a few pointers or guidelines!

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[–]lxit09 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I usually comment on something on their profile (like a hobby, job, pet etc) cos it's a good convo starter and shows you've actually READ their profile. As for keeping conversation going, IMO this should happen naturally, otherwise it's probably not going to work out. Each person should be doing 50/50, if I find I'm the person who always has to initiate conversation or ask ALL the questions, I lose interest quick. I think the key is finding common ground and interest early on.

[–]FrostyNugs 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Base your opener off of something in her bio, maybe make a joke or something. Literally anything other than a "hey." To keep the conversation going, ask about her hobbies or her job. Most people love to talk about themselves. It's also important to gauge whether or not the conversation is keeping her interest, you don't want to keep it going if she's not really into it. If she starts getting political, it's time to bail.

[–]Seahorse 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

I used to put "Hey" or "Hey how's it going?".

I wasn't interested in someone so full of themselves that they needed some grand opening to reply to me.

[–]lmaonope333 16 insightful - 6 fun16 insightful - 5 fun17 insightful - 6 fun -  (2 children)

I'm not interested in someone so full of herself that she thinks her "hey" is gonna grab more attention than any other "hey"

[–]Seahorse 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Nice reversal but it doesn't make any sense.

Why would I be full of myself because I want to engage in a simple greeting? You wouldn't make a grand gesture to someone on the street or a public place, I certainly wouldn't. So why would I do it online? I'm not that desperate.

And it worked I always got responses.

[–]biggreensunglasses 3 insightful - 8 fun3 insightful - 7 fun4 insightful - 8 fun -  (0 children)

Let me guess, you're single.

[–][deleted]  (5 children)

[deleted]

    [–]biggreensunglasses 7 insightful - 3 fun7 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

    Fuck I never realised you people had an issue with someone saying hello 😂. Is this an American thing?

    From my days on UK dating apps everyone said hi or some variation thereof and then conversation would flow from there. It seems bonkers to make some giant leap about someone's personality based on them saying "hey".

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]biggreensunglasses 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Fair enough mate. I actually love it, there's a surprising amount of nuance in those few little words so it's far from superficial.

      [–]Seahorse 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I mean it's tinder (or whatever dating site) I'm not going to go to that much effort for an internet stranger and it also puts unneeded pressure on things. It's a numbers game, after all.

      I was striking up the convo, it wasn't half assed so much as to simply start off saying hey and go from there.

      When I messaged other stuff (so called exciting or "interesting" lines) the convo almost always died not long after, like literally a few messages back and forth.

      Because when you message like that the person feels compelled to reply regardless of if they actually want to or not (I felt guilty when someone messaged me like that so I'd reply and then closed answer after that).

      And like I said, I never got dates from girls messaging like that. What got me dates was just being chill and chatting like I would in person, laid back. For me this was messaging it a hey how's it going way.

      Anyway I have found my life partner too, but she wasn't online dating, it's a pretty hit or miss way to meet people in general.

      But, I met my partner on Reddit, so yeah I must know a bit about talking to people online lol.

      [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I always asked questions about their profile, but I'm honestly wondering if maybe "hey" or just outright but low key flirtation is the way to go. Most of my dates and one night stands came from breezier intros and most of my 3 day-long Tinder penpals that never made it offline came from writing prompts.

      Once I'm employed again and start my Tinder profile back up (ugh), maybe I'll start a spreadsheet.

      [–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      When I used a dating site, I was always the one trying to start conversations, and it got exhausting. Seeing a "hey" message from an interested woman would have made me excited.

      [–]Seahorse 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Yeah I feel you there I don't miss it! There were matches I'd regret swiping right on but was confident they would never message first so left them 🤣

      That's why I ended up just simply greeting matches on tinder or whatever. I had actually tried other methods and nothing worked as well as simply saying hey how's it going did.

      At the end of the day if both parties are interested it doesn't matter how you start up the chat.

      [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Lolol I made a post like this like a week or two ago when I started the ol' dating app thing because I was bored. I ran into some bad luck earlier and right now I'm doing very well.

      I get my best responses from dumb/random questions that don't relate to their profile at all.

      I just assume that if they like you, they'll answer anything you send their way. I don't swipe right on just anyone, so if I swipe and they send a "Hey" (if that ever happens...I send the first message 99% of the time), I will respond.

      [–]begonia_skies 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

      I'm not pretending to be a dating guru, and there seem to be some strong feelings from both sides on this topic, lol. Honestly, I usually just give a, "Hey, how is your day going?" or "Hey, how are you doing?" I never really had any issues with things sorting themselves out from there. I can say I would personally appreciate a more tailored intro, and maybe if I was really feeling the person I would put in a little more thought, but there are so many flaky, boring, "bi-sexual", or just straight-up weird girls on dating apps, I'm just trying feel out the situation to see if they are even responsive, worth the effort of trying to meet up, etc. If I find myself asking all the questions and putting in all the effort then I'm out.

      [–]yousaythosethings 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

      Curious what you mean by “bi-sexual” here. Like unserious mildly bicurious tourists?

      [–]begonia_skies 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

      Yes.

      [–]yousaythosethings 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

      Yeaaaa I’m gonna say that things like queer theory, the master doc, the same-sex attraction = being open-minded attitude are making this a real plague. Some people act like it’s progressive to try out “being gay.” I saw a YouTube video not that long ago where a straight girl goes on her first date with a girl and films it ofc. And makes a video later about what her sexual orientation is and in the end she says she’s still only ever been attracted to men but she’s open-minded. JUST SAY YOU’RE STRAIGHT AND MOVE ON. Then the comments were all about CompHet. Smh (though I still find comphet an interesting discussion).

      I have a personal vendetta against this shit bc as an LBL it rubs off on me.

      [–]begonia_skies 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      I'm in my early 30s, so there are a lot of late bloomer lesbians. I don't actually have an issue with someone who comes out later in life, I personally know a few lesbians that have had children or were married to men and they are clearly very gay. However, pretty recently I was talking to someone from a dating app that was a "late bloomer" only to later reveal she was still married, and according to her, "her husband was totally cool with it". Are you freaking kidding me? I'm not your lesbian experiment and my dating profile clearly states I'm looking for a relationship. That shit just really bothers me, just be honest, you know?

      [–]yousaythosethings 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Yea exactly. I’m around your age so at first I was like ohhh cool r/LBL place for people like meeee but very quickly it became clear they there are a lot of role players and women going through mid-life crises there after bad dating patterns with men. There are real ones in there but I think they end up having the same realizations I do and gtfo and find the real lesbians. It would be so nice to find some real (not too woke) LBLs IRL but I feel like that’s too much to hope for at this point.

      [–]sootsprite 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      she says she’s still only ever been attracted to men but she’s open-minded.

      I think this is part of the problem. I had a friend who suddenly decided she was bisexual (after I came out to her as a lesbian) which shocked me, because she usually seemed disgusted by women's bodies. I asked her if she had ever been attracted to a girl and she said she never had, but it might happen sometime in the future.

      [–]yousaythosethings 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I’m reminded of this after Lily-Rose Depp was featured in a piece for being “pansexual.” She says you don’t have to label yourself and that message should be OK if the point was “you don’t have to affirmatively state to anyone what your orientation is because you don’t owe anyone that information, and also because it might take some time to figure out yourself.” But that’s not her point. She’s pushing the notion of sexual fluidity while ironically showing that so far she’s remarkably unfluid because of her consistently heterosexual pattern of attraction. She may think she’s de-stigmatizing same-sex attraction but instead she’s doing more harm to us who actually have it, but because she at least is (seemingly) heterosexual, she is too far removed from the experiences of homosexual people where she would be able to see how this idea becomes a problem. Even some bisexual people are too far removed from the experiences of homosexual people to see how this is a problem. Not all are though. It probably helps to have been in a relationship with a homosexual person to see it close up.