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[–]strictly 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Repulsion is a physiological response.

It's a way of saying unwanted sex is unwanted so you avoid it.

I used to be repulsed by snot and poop until I had to take care of young children.

I think your actions would probably reveal you are still repulsed (washing your hands after touching poop, wanting a hygienic partner etc, but I might be wrong).

I’m not repulsed by penises... I wouldn’t want to put one in my mouth.

Which one is it? You wouldn't mind it? (aka not repulsed) Or would it be a negative experience? (aka you are a bit repulsed).

I am not excited about them. I could probably have sex with one. It would be disconnected sex, but that’s my choice.

Why would you willingly choose to have sex you don't want? If you don't want the sex then there is no reason to have it. Anyway, you talk about women who pursue sex with men because they find sex with men lukewarm enough to be worthy of pursuing. So they enjoy sex with men, and pursue it because they enjoy it, they just enjoy sex with women more. That is being bisexual with a preference for women in my eyes.

[–]Skipdip[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I mean I see where you’re coming from. But I don’t really agree, because I know I am lesbian. ~Storytime~

I’ve never felt anything real for a man past puberty. I prefer female vocalists to male vocalists. My attention always goes to the woman in movies with a romantic subplot. I have fallen in love exclusively with women. I have innumerable crushes and attractions all on women. When I sleep with my girlfriend i feel like I could spend eternity there.

Growing up I always ran away from men who were interested in me, even though I accepted dates to the prom and such from them. I would flirt but then avoid them, even if they were objectively attractive. When I think about having sex with men it’s because I want the woman to be jealous and to see that I can do it too (because I am jealous or insecure or whatever). I always get jealous of women’s boyfriends, I’ve never felt jealous of a woman. I consciously picked Ewan MeGregor as my celebrity crush in high school because I felt I needed one too. Meanwhile I am reading a 500 page autobiography on Louise Brooks who is so dreamy, and my favorite movie was Fucking Åmål. But I was straight! I was sure I was straight I was just practical and shy. Once a girl I had seen and thought was cute in cinema club.. came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. I was repulsed and I thought about her vagina like “ew no vaginas are gross, that wasn’t a real attraction, I’m straight” and I told her sorry I was straight. I was weird enough, I was bad at fashion and no girl would ever like me. I always felt spicy and drawn to the pretty smart graceful fun straight girls, who almost always it seemed, had attractive boyfriends. Their boyfriends made me uncomfortable because I knew that I was attracted to them because I was straight. My stomach would tense up because I was attracted to them, and my heart rate would raise. I knew I was gonna start dating at some point but for some reason I just didn’t want to. But also I did want to and I wanted them to like me. Just when they did I wasn’t ready because I was so awkward.

I would imagine faceless male bodies with dicks in my fantasies, or bdsm with faceless males. When I tried to imagine women I couldn’t even picture what to do with them and I was grossed out by vaginas.

Fast forward and I had fallen in love for the first time with a woman, but she was my teacher so it couldn’t happen. Afterwards I was so broken hearted and alone for a bit, but then this hot girl who was way out of my league and mostly straight drunk kissed me because she heard I was bisexual. That was my first real kiss and it was like fireworks. She stopped it after a second and was like “hmm guess I’m not into her after all”. I spent the next year “friends” with her, watching her fuck a bunch of men, hoping dreaming someday we could be together. But in the moment once I left the bathroom at the party I went to a side room with a couch. In there was this handsome boy who had an interest in me, and I wanted someone because I was the only one in my new cool international friend group (of conventionally attractive awesome women) who didn’t have a guy I was seeing or fucking. In fact I had never had sex and I was 19. So I picked this man and he was sweet. We kissed for a while and it was fine. It was like a lone mini firework in an empty warehouse. His lips were dry which I noticed, but I was drunk so I was grateful to have the company and to be cool.

I proceeded to “date” him for half a year. He was a sweet guy. I liked him. We would get together and make out and cuddle and feel each other up, which was sort of nice I guess, but it got old and I’d kind of sit there going through the motions thinking about his chapped lips. Sometimes I really didn’t like his smell. I kept telling him we weren’t in a relationship and he’d be like “wHyYyyyy?” “Why do girls play hard to get?”. In my mind I was like oh I am not playing lol. I would 100% have had sex with him if he wasn’t waiting for marriage. I wanted to have sex with him, so I could not be a virgin and I could catch up with my friends so that Alicia would think I’m cool enough to date her. We all went to clubs and I danced with men and kissed men. One night we were all out and Alicia was dancing with this guy she was fucking, and I was with this other guy who was kind of a creepy asshole but conventionally attractive. We kissed and he teased me and I was just annoyed. Like “what are you teasing me for, I don’t care. Just kiss me”. He asked me in an annoying way to come to his hotel with him, and I was like “no” and I left to go to the bathroom. Then I left the club and walked away starting to cry. One of my friends came out and I said “I think I’m lesbian” she was like “oh, it’s ok you don’t have to be with men”. After that night I went back to thinking I was bisexual, because I must be wrong, of course I could be attracted to men. I was really mostly straight, I just focused on women because it was easier and safer. I was probably not as into men as I was women, because of trauma.

[–]Skipdip[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Several years later I was drunk and a nice man asked me to kiss and I was like “eh sure whatever, add another one to my list so I will be cooler.” Eventually he kept asking me to do more thing until we were in his room gonna have sex. I was decently drunk and ashamed of my body. His dick was on the smaller side and uncut. I was like ok cool what do I do? I started jerking him off but he didn’t like what I was doing so he took over. Then he was like “do you want to have sex?” and I’m like “well we’re here now so might as well get it over with”. He put it in and I was like “ok I can sort of feel it, it’s like a vaguely uncomfortable poking, cool look at me I’m doing it. I’m cool now, love me please Lily“. He had some issue so he took it out and I was like “aw damn does this even count? We barely had sex at all.” Then we went to the shower and did something else I don’t really remember. I kind of thought he was gay. He was definitely at least bisexual. He kept wanting to do anal stuff on him and me. I was like “sure on you, why not” but he couldn’t find his plug. He jerked himself off and came and was like “sorry there’s not a lot left, I masturbated a lot today” I was in my head like “oh that’s perfectly alright, you can go ahead and handle that situation yourself you really seem to know what you’re doing”. Eventually we stopped and went our separate ways, like “let’s do this again sometime” “yeah for sure”.

All this time I was repulsed by vaginas. Vaginal liquid was the most disgusting in my head, more disgusting than semen, because penises were normal and cleaner. When I masturbated I never touched my vagina. It freaked me out to touch it. They were just so weird and smelly and gross. I could never picture wanting to touch a woman’s vagina so I knew I couldn’t be lesbian. I couldn’t fantasize about being with a woman, so I would imagine women in bdsm sub situations with faceless males.

I had had a few random drunken one night stands with a couple of women I met at parties. The women were attractive, and I kind of had fun with the first one when we were kissing, but I felt nothing and when I ate them out I was like “ewwww” in my mind. One time I slobbered all over her vagina to keep from tasting her fluids 🙂 if something’s coming out, it can’t go in 🙌🏻.

This whole time I was pining for the love of my life who was this teacher I’d had. I just had to have more sex to catch up to her and then she’d love me. After my first time ever with the first woman ends in a complete dud, she rolls over and says “are you even lesbian?”. I was like “OOF.. what if I’m not attracted to women? What if I am straight?”

I flirtated with a trans woman who was in our little lesbian party group. He was attracted to me and I thought he was a really sweet guy, with a lot of pain. Plus it was edgy and progressive to be with a trans woman to validate him. We made out and it was just the same as every other mediocre male kiss id had. I had no interest in sex with him and drifted away to have other unfilling encounters with women.

When I met my first girlfriend I was like “holy shit she is so beautiful”. Every cell in my body was drawn to her. I didn’t know what I wanted to do since I was repulsed by vaginas, but I knew I wanted to touch her. After months of doubt if she liked me or liked women, and going on a bunch of long walks together trying to figure out if she was into me. Finally I told her I liked her. She said she liked me too. It was another several weeks of pained early-stage covid social distancing, and some contention because my best friend was her best friend, and this friend did not want us together. Despite the forces saying otherwise, we tried every date to push closer and closer, touch more and more.

Finally, one night we were laying next to each other outside in her backyard before a fire because it was cold but we agreed to only hang out outdoors. I reached out to touch her, and she touched me back. We touched more and more until finally my hand went down between her legs. Her vagina was kind of gross and wet. I didn’t know what to do, but she was really experienced and whatever happened she found a way to like it. I was uncomfortable throughout and after, I wiped my hands off on the grass to get the nasty liquid off. She tried to do the same to me but I didn’t really feel anything so we stopped. I was hooked. We started having sex multiple times every time we saw each other. When I finally started to make her come I ascended to the seventh heaven. I never knew I could be so blessed and honored to experience this. It was the hottest most amazing thing I could imagine, and it was all for me to soak up. There didn’t have to be any man, she didn’t need any man there except for just me. There were no men watching behind cameras like in lesbian porn or lesbian movies. No boyfriend or crush. Just me and her, and her doing this all for me without any man around.

Eventually I finally got over literally any remaining disgust about her vagina or her fluids. I was wild about it all. I wanted to do every sex thing in existence with her and I couldn’t imagine ever getting tired of it.

Could I have sex with a man? Yes, I’ve done it before. I don’t see why I couldn’t do it and maybe even make myself come from it. Do I want to do it? On some level kind of. I have a lot of curiousity about it at this point since it’s been built up so much in my mind. Plus I have a lot of anxiety that maybe I do like men, so just to quell my anxieties and get confirmation.. Could I enjoy it? I feel like I could probably figure out a way, and maybe my discomfort around men is some type of attraction after all. Even if it’s not, it would be like two bro’s masturbating together, which could be fine I imagine. I do greatly admire men sometimes, sometimes I love them, and I notice if they look attractive. Maybe these feeling are attraction, after all. Maybe I could be in a straight situation. Men are easy to sleep with they are desperate for you. Definitely not long term. But who knows? I had my vibrator for two years. Most of all, maybe if I did Sarah would think I’m sexy and desirable because men want me too 😎

So I guess I must be bisexual. Either I am bisexual or mentally ill I guess. Well, actually I already know I’m mentally ill with attachment problems. It’s probably my mental illness and my trauma around men that is making me indifferent about men even though I’m bisexual. I couldn’t be a homosexual with some low level fluidity within the category, could i? I’m not a real lesbian, I dont belong in the lesbian community.

[–]Hydiee 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual. Just accept that you're bisexual and it will make things easier for you. Lesbians don't have sex with men for "shits and gigs" So can we not perpetuate the myth that lesbians will want to sleep with men if we are "bored in quarantine" (anyone remember that?) or drunk.

[–]Skipdip[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If I was bisexual then fine, but I’m not. I really don’t care about men. And the more I heal the less real estate they take up in my mind. If you actually read the whole novel, which I doubt because it was long and you responded quickly, you would see what I meant by “shits and gigs”. I don’t actually desire men when I am physically around them. And I feel nothing toward them, I never have and I can’t imagine ever doing so. But fine if you want it so bad I’m fucking bisexual I guess I should leave.