The definition of lesbian: the googoogaga factor

submitted by Skipdip from self.Lesbians

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[–]yousaythosethings 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I don’t really agree with the premise. I think there’s a big difference between lesbians and FebFems even though both only partner with women.

My story is in my post history so I refer people there, but I’m a late bloomer lesbian. I had one sexual partner to whom I was married. I was in that relationship voluntarily. But I haven’t gotten pushback on the idea that I’m a lesbian and that’s because I’ve only ever been attracted to women. That’s just what being a lesbian comes down to. It’s a pattern of who you have had sexual/romantic feelings for, at least since puberty. If you’re a woman and it’s all women, then you’re a lesbian. If it’s a mix of men and women, you’re bisexual, if it’s only men, you’re straight.

Again, I’ve talked about this in my post history, which has more detail, but though I dated and married one guy, the devil is in the details. I started realizing I had feelings for girls when I was 12, didn’t know any gay people, and experienced social and emotional isolation and trauma due to growing up in an abusive environment that kept me in a fog and depressed. I’d have moments of clarity but I would push them away away because I valued independence and didn’t want to deal with another thing that would make my life more difficult. I never experienced attraction to men. I did replace my need for my sexual desire to be fulfilled with a need to be desired/wanted. I had a very poor mind-body connection. As I worked on my shit, everything became more clear and I became in touch with myself. I disnt previously allow myself to try to figure out my sexual orientation. It was a very charged issue. And when I finally did and allowed myself to think about the patterns I experienced, it was immediately clear that it always has just been women for me. I will also add that other than my husband, who was my best friend and who I am still close to as a friend, I had been on 4 total dates with men in my life, none set up by me, and 2 that I only went on because they were double dates set up by my female friend who I actually liked. And other than my husband, I have never kissed a man sober. I’ve only done so while heavily intoxicated and no situated was initiated by me. And additionally it’s not only my sexual orientation that this history made me confused and in the fog about.

So to my knowledge, no one has defined me as not a lesbian because of that relationship but people define me based on my pattern of sexual attraction which is to women only.

[–]Skipdip[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yes! This is a beautiful story and exactly what I’m talking about. I will read the rest but this is what I’m getting at, so I don’t understand how you disagree with my premise.

You were with men and all it could ever be was lukewarm and mechanical. Maybe you were able to come with them, but in a disconnected mechanical way. I too have dealt with attachment trauma which briefly confused me and in fact continues to confuse me. I feel anxiety and have obsessive thoughts questioning if I am attracted to this man or that man. My sympathetic nervous system kicks in around men sometimes and I hyper analyze if that is attraction. Well, I don’t have to ask that at all when it comes to women. There is no question, I literally melt and explode like a million fireworks.

Could I go have disconnected sex with random men to feel wanted and desired? Yes. Could I probably find a way to make myself come from that? Probably.

In my friend group there is so much pressure to be essentially “pansexual” or “fluid”, that friends of mine who I am pretty sure are lesbians are going around sleeping with men. Then they come back and say “yeah... it was fine, but he is just such a boy”. These friends have a tendency to go for trans women because they think “I’m attracted to women so I should be attracted to trans women right?”. “I like all genitals.. it’s about the person” but then when they have sex with vaginas they’re like “oh, right, I like this way better”. Or “I get bored quickly of penises, I never get bored of vagina” or “for some reason I don’t feel shame after I come having sex with vaginas.” It’s pointless.

That’s why I’m trying to turn the focus instead of who we COULD have sex with, to who we actually melt and explode for. That what sexual orientation actually is. We need this distinction because people are confused as hell.

And yeah, in this day and age the majority of people have attachment trauma and developments trauma in general. It’s sad. I am going into the field to help heal people of this. But it’s the truth.

[–]carrotcake 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Ok. I understood your point now. But women that feel pressured to sleep with men because it's cool to be pansexual and fluid are still being PRESSURED to sleep with men. Whether it's old day homophobia or cool homophobia, they aren't doing it for fun or because they are fluid. They're doing it because they feel like it's what they are supposed to do.

Edit: but your friends could just be bi that lean towards women as well.

[–]Skipdip[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, it is a type of internal pressure. They don’t even recognize it as homophobia because they see it as the most transcendent progressive way of all. I would also say that because of the cultural pressures they haven’t fully figured out that they are lesbian (or straight) in the first place. Any glimpse of anything that could be construed as attraction is grounds for “oh I must not be lesbian I guess I like men and should date them too”

And no, what bi means is googoogaga for both. All this percentage bs really doesn’t mean anything. You are not bisexual unless you could get fireworks either way. I have one friend who I think is bisexual because she is crazy about this trans woman. She is my only friend who calls herself a lesbian, ironically. My other two friends I really think are lesbian. One, who has been with like 20 random men and a few relationships with men, has told me point blank she has a “genital preference” for vagina. She happens to have a high level of dysregulation and a really high ACE score.

At the end of the day, I would love them even if they were straight, so it’s not just that I’m trying to build the lesbian ranks. But with all this TQ confusión going on it takes a discerning person to really figure out what we are looking at and who we are dealing with.