Disclaimer: Just a sketch. A bit long, but I hope it will amuse you and will inspire you to improvise/riff off in the comments. But if you guys feel this type of stuff is not for this forum - I'll abstain in the future :)

A day in the life of Alex, a celebrity Personal Assistant

7am – Kill the alarm blaring Indigo Girls into the void. Get up. Almost step on Cat. Curse. Apologise.
Find the coffee, pour. Stop pouring beside the cup. Curse. Apologise.

Jeans, tank top, watch. Door. Oh wait, Ray bans! Grab the shades and the backpack. Step out.

9am – Outside Cate Blanchet’s trailer. It smells like Channel No.5 and that summer in France you never had with your first girlfriend. You’re carrying six coffee cups, three outfits, a giant dildo and a huge hangover.

Coffee and outfits for Cate, dildo for her assistant and the hangover - for you, yes for you, you eejit! You want to stay here forever, but Cate has work to do.

10am – Cara Delevingne has broken up with her girlfriend, which one was it this time? She called you to bring The List. The List of women aged 23-24 that Cara hasn’t sunk her teeth into yet. You are panicking because there are only two names left, one of which is yours. You call your best friend Jamie, and beg her to take one for the team.

11am – Janelle Monae needs another set of pussy pants by 11:15 at her place. Now! You call Andre, your brilliant couturier friend, whose gay ass is busy with another bloke’s ass, as usual. You tell him to get to work, under pain of revealing to everyone and their mother what he did in Barcelona in 1999. Also you love him and will see him at dinner, bye.

11:15am – Jannelle Monae sets Tessa Thompson on you. The pussy pants are not there yet and neither are the boob coats that they need now, 10 of them, in red cashmere and with DD cups, by 3pm. You curse and call Andre. Andre curses at you and hangs up with a “Love you babes, see you at dinner”

12 – Lunch, i.e. coffee, at that place with the hot barista. She has pink hair, but nice tits. But the tits are not the thing. She has a nice smile, you tell yourself and her as you pay. She throws a winning 32. You’ve got this in the bag.

3pm –Pussy pants and boob coats delivered to Janelle Monae’s house. The world can sleep safely tonight.

4pm – Charlize Theron wants to audition for another vaguely bisexual part. You roll your eyes. You drive her there. En route she keeps telling you how totally fluid and down with experimenting she is. Thank God for the Ray Bans, you eyeroll safely until this is over.

5pm – Ellen Page is doing a play on climate change. On short notice she needs somebody to play grass and a tree. You call Andre, he is good at lying down and you grudgingly agree to be the tree.

8pm – Play over, day - almost over. You and Andre get to have dinner at your favorite gay bar. But Jamie calls from Cara Delevnigne’s bed. Cara put out her back while trying out a weird sex position. Jamie is in pain. Jamie can’t move. You sigh, get Andre in the car and drive to her rescue.

Epilogue, 5 years later

Jamie was rescued and gently brought to life by the magic fingers of Lee – a brilliant lesbian masseuse. They got married and have two kids now: a dog named Vertebrae and a cat named Ligament.

Andre met a brilliant hairdresser named Paul while delivering the pussy pants to Janelle Monae. They are the true power couple of Hollywood: the best couturier and the most coveted hair stylist.

Our PA, Alex, gave up on baristas and late night partying and is now living outside LA on a giant ranch with her wife Lisa and 143 rescue animals. Lisa really, really appreciated Alex’s performance in Ellen Page’s play.

Nobody ever found out what Andre did in Barcelona in 1999 and no cats were harmed in the making of this sketch.

Edit: formatting