Being a lesbian in this social climate makes me feel so alone.

submitted by sickofit from self.Lesbians

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[–][deleted] 27 insightful - 3 fun27 insightful - 2 fun28 insightful - 3 fun -  (24 children)

I’ve become rather unpopular for being like “you’re not a lesbian” and “you’re friend is not a lesbian” to people’s faces who are sleeping with men and call themselves lesbians, or to people who have a “lesbian friend” that occasionally fucks guys. I always take the opportunity to correct the people who believe that shit about their friends, especially. The “lesbians” who fuck men will eventually disappear into straight relationships so that issue will take care of itself. But MAN, are they ever annoying

[–]carrotcake 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (23 children)

When I hadn't admitted to myself that I was a lesbian the presence of this one friend of mine would always irritate me so much. I didn't feel any sexual attraction to men and just because I admired them I thought I was bisexual and this woman was telling to my face that she liked fucking and kissing guys and that she did it for fun and how hot men were but she was a lesbian... No wonder why I was so annoyed. I told her so many times that she isn't a lesbian. Weirdly enough I'm kinda scared of telling her that I'm actually a lesbian. I'm worried that she'll dismiss me. She's a good friend besides that.

[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (20 children)

Are you 18-25? Because I am seeing a disturbing amount of younger lesbians being told by other young women that lesbians fuck males (and not even trans id people), like random straight dudes with no gender anything. If that is what the young women are facing now then I really don’t envy them. In my generation of LGB youth, women would think you were actually nuts for saying you’re a lesbian who sleeps with men. This only started to really become noticeable after 2010. Sure, there were bisexual women who said they met their “one” man, but bisexual women i knew never said they were straight up lesbians while fucking guys because we ALL know that is total garbage

[–]sickofit[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

I’m 18-25 and ive faced this. you're right that its mostly something happening with younger women. It’s happening enough that im seeing a shift in straight people where some of them used to think that only idiots would say they're lesbian while sleeping with men, but now they think that lesbians just like men too because their """lesbian""" friend does. The """lesbians""" who do this usually go out of their way to "educate" straight people about how lesbians are fluid and that's why they hooked up with billy last week. It’s spreading homophobia towards us, because now some people are treating us like we're just closed minded because we're not "fluid" like the other """"lesbians"""".

I’ve tried talking more openly about it, especially with guys. Actually, a while ago this happened to me and i just sort of "shot the shit" (idk if saying this right, worked night shift...) with the guy. He said he had hooked up with two "lesbians" before, repeatedly. I just told him we see girls like that in the gay community and they're so annoying that some of them even marry a guy and keep saying they're lesbians. He ended up talking about it with me casually and being like "I know right? they're always saying lesbian, not bi, no matter how many times we sleep with each other" and we both kinda bonded over saying they're dumb. He thought the stories i had about the things girls like this in the gay community say were funny.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I hope these women realise that they are creating a lot of problems for lesbians. Sadly, I think women like that say they are lesbians to attract men to sleep with but have an excuse to not date them. They should really work out their intimacy issues etc in some other way and leave lesbians out of it, because it’s REALLY REALLY not being a “woman who loves women” to call yourself a lesbian and keep fucking men, especially since they know how much more of a lesbian fetish they are promoting among random straight people who think they can rent a dyke for the weekend

[–]sickofit[S] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

In my experience, there's a few types of women who do this... I never thought about wanting to not appear "slutty" while sleeping around as a reason but i think that's a reason too. Some other ones i see a lot:

  • Started identifying as lesbian at a really young age (like 12-14) and became attached to the idea. So now when they sleep with men they try to hold on to that identity

  • Know they're bisexual but say that they vastly prefer women to men, so they pinky promise themselves that they'll stick with women and start calling themselves lesbians. But if you're bisexual, you are attracted to men anyway, and no matter what you pinky promise if you meet some guy who's your dream boy you aren't going to ditch him to be loyal to your pretend lesbianism. But they try to hold on as long as they can. They also speak on lesbian issues a lot but since they’re not actually lesbians their perspective usually just sounds like a typical bi woman.

  • Attention-seeking bi and straight girls who know that guys think its hot to sleep with a lesbian. Or sometimes trying to look like they're above the patriarchy or a very woke lesbian who accepts all genders.

  • Girls who like the "lesbian image". so they like to think of themselves as these tough, sexy butches or something. I think the tendency to portray lesbians as more independent, strong and smart than straight and bi women in the media is part of this too...

  • Girls who are homophobic and dont think lesbians really exist anyway, so they assume every other lesbian also likes men.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Those sound accurate.

Also, I think some women are just self-absorbed and believe their experience of sexuality is the same as everyone else’s, just because they only have room for their own experience inside themselves. It’s a very immature developmental stage that some of these women got stunted at, and honestly their orientation is probably the least of their problems.

[–]sickofit[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah I see that a lot with the “fluid” people. They usually do it to women though, they leave the men alone

[–]carrotcake 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That's sooo disappointing. They can't see that they are contributing to men dismissing our sexuality?

[–]sickofit[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

In my experience, they know, they just don’t care. Plus it’s not just men who dismiss our sexuality, women do too. A lot of these girls are homophobic.

[–]blabla99 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

don't really believe in this guy who says he has sex with lesbians (already one is hard to believe but two ...) there are many who lie to be able to sleep with you or to brag, hell you even men who claim to be lesbians, there are far too many men with the fantasy of converting a lesbian

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah a lot of men can't separate their fantasies from reality. I mean, just look at r/AL...

[–]sickofit[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Don’t call them lesbians. They didn't sleep with a lesbian, they slept with a lying bi woman. There are a lot of those. sure some men are lying but a lot are not. If you dont believe it, you can even go onto any of the lesbian or bisexual subreddits and see the sheer number of bisexuals who call themselves lesbians. There are tons of them and they will happily explain how sure, they hooked up with three men last week, but they're totally "valid" as a lesbian. Some of them are even happily dating or married to men but will announce that they're lesbians at every opportunity. Most of them know that they're bisexual but choose to not say that and will get mad if you say there's something wrong with that. At some point these women need to be held accountable and not just handwaved away each time.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Guys who talk about sleeping with lesbians are ridiculous. If she's willingly sleeping with you, how is she a lesbian? mental gymnastics... they just don't think. They enjoy idea of sleeping with a lesbian so much that they push all logic to the back of their minds (or they never had any to begin with).

And yeah, I detest the lying bi women even more than the lying men. Men think that they can convert us, but the lying bi women are the one's who "confirm" it. Also, the fact that these women want to use their fake lesbianism to turn on men/ fulfill men's porn fantasies is just so blasphemous to me! They are disgusting.

[–]sickofit[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

LOL tell me about it. It’s really frustrating because you see it all the time.

On the other hand... these are straight people. They are not familiar with lgbtlaksdjf identity politics and what goes on in the community. The vast majority of straight people are not going to question what a "lesbian" says lesbians are like. Similarly, if some "gay man" says that its normal for gay men to like fucking women in the butt too, most straight people are going to listen. Because this person is claiming to be a representative of that group. Thd "queer theory" explanations are very confusing even for people who are in the community, and they're constantly changing. Most straight people do not have the tools or the gall to question a self-proclaimed gay person on what being gay is about. Most people dont assume the people they hang out with are liars.

I agree with you on the bi women but i think we need to reframe the conversation a bit. Men are not the only people who dont believe that lesbians exist. Women believe the exact same thing just as often as the men do, the only difference is that they are less likely to try to prey on that (though they do that sometimes too). These women are just a subset of homophobic women. They dont just enable the "lesbians dont exist" group, they are part of that group too. If they weren't, they wouldn't think that women who like men (like themselves) are lesbians or that lesbians are "fluid".

[–]blabla99 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

especially since they indirectly participate in corrective rapes by making believe that they are "lesbians" who have found the right guy, these womens are ingnoble

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah and sometimes I wonder if they get some kind of sick pleasure from advocating for corrective rapes. There's TONS of articles with titles like "I used to be a lesbian" I mean wtf? Why do these bi women love to tell the world about how they "used to be lesbians?" Like, they will go out of there way to speak about it, completely unprompted. I always wonder about the motive behind that. Are they seriously that thirsty for male attention and approval that they will step all over lesbians/lesbianism to get it? Apparently so.

[–]blabla99 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I said most of these guys are lying, and no i don't consider them lesbians but bisexual lesbophobic women sorry I just forgot to put the "" in lesbian

[–]sickofit[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sorry it’s okay I just misunderstood it

[–]carrotcake 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Yes! We both are from 21-25 . I'm not sure about her age but she isn't older than 25. You're completely right. I cannot imagine 30+ women saying this sort of shit.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

If anyone said that to me I would laugh before I realise they were serious and then I would just be confused and stare, then be pissed lol

[–]sickofit[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

The more you tolerate it from her, the more you further it. We have to do something, not just complain in an echo chamber. Your friend isn’t just a girl who’s making it easier for the evil men to harass lesbians, she’s a homophobe and harasser herself

[–]carrotcake 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The thing is I've told her she's not a lesbian so many times. She won't change the way she behaves because she's so stubborn. A bisexual friend of mine has talked to her about this too. In this case I don't really have anything to do. But I agree with you, we have to do something. Complaining here won't change anything.

[–]Skipdip 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That is really irritating. Bi lesbians are the worst. Because they erase actual lesbians, but won’t stand for you “telling them how they identify”. I say, say you are a lesbian which means a female homosexual. You were born that way and it means you have no attraction to males. Just have that lesbian confidence and don’t stand for her shit but don’t be pushy. She’ll get the message eventually.

[–]carrotcake 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you! I'll grab my lesbian confidence and just do it lmao