Throwaway account. I was extremely religious growing up. My family is almost entirely Muslim immigrants, and everyone before us was Muslim. I was also repeatedly molested and sexually abused as a child. My family still doesn't know the full extent to which I was raped. I hid it for years out of shame and not entirely understanding what happened to me.

I used religion as a shield to avoid having to date or marry. I couldn't relate to my friends when they talked about cute boys, actors, singers or whatever. People would tease me about how openly disgusted and uninterested in boys I was. Some directly asked if I was a lesbian. I didn't even know that there was a word for that and when I started getting feelings for other girls I was afraid. I tried to ignore it. I really thought there was something wrong with me and that I was the only one around like me. There was no such thing as same-sex marriage back then, I never saw lesbians on TV, only tomboys. Up until then I always assumed I could so easily avoid boys because I was religious. After looking stuff up on the internet I learned about what gay, lesbian, and bisexual meant. There was barely anything that wasn't negative or porn. I felt disgusted. I didn't want to be like that. I told myself I was nothing like people like that.

In Islamic Sunday school now that we were "old enough" the lessons on the sin of homosexuality began. From then on I felt doomed because my same-sex attraction was undeniable at the time. I was always anxious and depressed before but now it became worse than ever. I started considering suicide but suicide is also a sin. According to scripture I would have gone straight to hell. I was only 14. So I decided the only thing I could do was make myself straight, or at least bisexual. I thought my aversion to boys and men all stemmed from my childhood abuse. I figured I was young enough that I could find a way to "fix" myself. I tried to find guys to "date" Islamicly (it's basically courtship for marriage which my immediate family was very happy about) but I couldn't go through with even fully chaperoned no-contact dates. I prayed to God to make me find men attractive. Nothing worked. I got more depressed, more suicidal. I thought I was a broken woman.

I didn't want to admit to myself that I could possibly be a lesbian, because that would mean I couldn't be the perfect Muslim girl image I had put all my self-worth into. But I was also getting more rebellious. In the real world I was closeted, but online I found LGB communities. I still couldn't admit to myself that I was a lesbian so I called myself bisexual and hoped that if I said it enough times it might come true. I found I could relate to bisexual girls better than straight girls but not by much. I avoided the lesbians because I didn't want to be "tempted." I still felt alien even around GB people and the religious guilt was enough to keep me from actually exploring what I really wanted.

I still believed conversion therapy was real at this point but I didn't want to risk asking my parents to send me to a place that would "get rid of" my sexual feelings for girls because I had no idea if they would beat me, kick me out, or just pretend I didn't exist. My dad might have literally killed me (not exaggerating). I had absorbed every harmful message about lesbians at this point and I believed them all. I tried to play the part of a bisexual woman. I just needed to find the right man and I would be cured, right? It was all because I was raped when I was little and that's why I can't stand to even be touched or looked at by men. All my sexual trauma would magically melt away if I found the right guy. That was my warped reasoning. If I failed, I would be better off dead. Well, I tried it with one guy and that didn't work. I felt so disgusting and ashamed and stupid afterwards, because how could I think that would work? Did I really believe God would magically make me straight or even bi? I realized that I couldn't keep running away from myself. I know for sure now that I'm a lesbian. I hate every single person who's ever said you should "try men" before saying you're a lesbian, or that you'll never know for sure unless you do. It's harmful. No lesbian deserves to go through that. No one ever has to sleep with a man to prove they're a lesbian. EVER.

TL;DR yes my religious upbringing damaged me beyond belief. :)