Sucks to be a lesbian sometimes

submitted by coliemelan from self.Lesbians

My best friend whom I knew as a gay woman just started dating a guy. I always felt like the fact that the both of us exclusively loved and admired women was one of the things that connected us. Fuck, it feels lonely out there. Though I know it’s not true I sometimes feel like I must be the only idiot in the world who doesn’t like dick.

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[–][deleted] 28 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 0 fun29 insightful - 1 fun -  (13 children)

I legit believe that the number of het/bi women calling themselves lesbians outnumber actual lesbians. If I found out a woman I thought was gay was actually bi I would also feel a slight loss of connection. I don't know what it is but I just feel a faint sense of boredom and disinterest towards women who are sexually attracted to men, no disrespect to them. It's just how it is for me. Actually I recall others expressing similar beliefs on this post: https://saidit.net/s/Lesbians/comments/6aj6/everyones_feelings_and_anxieties_are_valid_unless/

Anyway, you are definitely not alone even though the large group of fakers can sometimes make it feel that way.

[–]RedditHatesLesbians 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I kind of think, really, you're into that? Just like 97% of all other women on the planet? Obviously it's not a choice, but it gives me an idea of how they'll treat men in their lives and prioritise them, or at the very least instinctively react in ways that can be read as attraction to certain men. When a lesbian sees a man she might as well be looking at a wall (in a safe environment, otherwise she sees a threat) but with a bi woman she may show interest or attraction, or at the very least scan for those things in most males she sees. And tbh that's where the disconnect is, simply in our inherently different ways of processing people. But this is just my thoughts and it by no means describes everyone.

[–][deleted] 15 insightful - 3 fun15 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

That's quite an interesting view. For me, I'm just disinterested in them lol. I can't connect on the same level as them. Finding men sexually attractive is just so alien to me. I need a woman who gets it and is on the same page. Obviously I dont care when it comes to friends, but with relationships I only consider being with other lesbians.

oh i just realize your comment is expressing the same sentiment?

[–]RedditHatesLesbians 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

LOL. About the same, yes.

This is the reason why I dislike it when bisexuals get mad about not being included in some lesbians dating pools. Dating is a discriminatory process, and honestly just knowing a woman I'm with perceives men in that way would put a big rift between us, as you've said. Being a lesbian woman is a unique experience in a world that revolves around the dick. Knowing she's part of the dick worship is just... A turn off.

[–][deleted] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Dating is a discriminatory process

THANK YOU!!! Why is that so difficult for people to understand? Glad to see someone who finally gets it instead of jumping to call someone a bigot.

[–]RedditHatesLesbians 11 insightful - 4 fun11 insightful - 3 fun12 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Us TERFs with our bigoted exclusionary vaginas 😒

People who think that way are creepy and rapey. If someone doesn't want to have sex with you for whatever reason, why would you want to peer pressure them into it? Fucking isn't an accurate representation of someone's political beliefs.

[–]watermelonsappho 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

so much this! also, nothing is stopping bi women from exclusively dating each other b/c of shared experiences. i would think that's awesome and fully support it. it's not at all unreasonable to seek certain shared life experiences in partners.

[–]a_blue_bird 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I legit believe that the number of het/bi women calling themselves lesbians outnumber actual lesbians.

Add men who call themselves lesbians and I agree - the actual lesbians are a minority among those who call themselves ''lesbians''.

[–]lurkergirl 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

Trans chicks are 0.3% of the population. They don't have a tenth of the impact the bi LARPing does.

[–]a_blue_bird 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Really...? I mean, try writing on twitter that (1) you'd never date a mtf, or that (2) you'd never date a bi woman, and see which gets you a bigger shitstorm and bans.Yes, mtfs are fewer in count but they have a greater influence than bi women.

[–]lurkergirl 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yes, they do oppress women who:

•Work in feminist orgs

•Have a very woke job -academia, sex toy shop, etc.

•Are active on Twitter

•Are in high school, college or any other place where feminists dominate.

No one over 25 with any maturity takes up any of that. Just let it be till you graduate then ditch everything.

[–]a_blue_bird 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Nobody over 25 works in the academia, or any other ''woke'' field like tech, journalism etc.? Come on.

[–]lurkergirl 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Journalism is certainly a woke field, but tech isn't. Avoid Twitter and company communication and you can say what you want.

Nobody over 25 who's mature, yes.

[–]lurkergirl 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

You don't even need to add them. It's overwhelming anyways.

[–][deleted] 27 insightful - 2 fun27 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 2 fun -  (17 children)

Sometimes even here/on the old sub people admit to liking men or liking them in the past and I'm like... seriously? Are you kidding me?

It's incredibly lonely being a lesbian.

[–]Jessica1993 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I think those are trolls to be honest, even most bi women i know have better things to do than do stupid shit like that but the free time and incelness of male trolls knows no boundaries . Also maybe some of those were referring to comphet attraction, as in they believed they were attracted to them because that's what society taught them but when it came to do anything with a man they backed down .

[–]TarshishJupiter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

For me it was comphet.

[–]RedditHatesLesbians 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (13 children)

Right, just the other day there was a post (not trying to start anything) where people on here admitted to getting crushes on boys before and it's simply damning. I'm surprised it wasn't heavily criticised.

[–][deleted]  (5 children)

[deleted]

    [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

    I saw that thread and they were talking about crushes they had when they were like 8 or 9 years old.

    [–]les4les 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

    Yea I mean I was one of those women on that thread and I guess everything is really up to interpretation but I do think that being like a pre-pubescent girl with a crush is different from being an adult woman who claims to be a lesbian and then marries a man

    I don't know if I believe in comphet though, I think it's more probable that any feelings children have for the opposite sex are immediately treated like a crush, including things from actual crushes to friendship to outright dislike, like when boys bully or antagonize girls and adults pretend it's because they "like" them. I guess it's possible for little kids to get a grasp on their sexuality really early but I also think it's reasonable for them not to, lmao. When you're like eight and sheltered and nobody's hit puberty yet, the biggest differences between boys and girls are gonna be things like fashion and behavior and maybe how fast they run. I only started being repulsed by boys when I thought about them growing up into men

    Adult women though are old enough to have a grasp of attraction, sex, and romance that's more nuanced than, like, a disney movie, and if they're still interested in men, they're not lesbians lmao

    [–][deleted] 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    Yeah, it's kind of crazy to me that people here are doubting someone's adult sexuality because of elementary school crushes. I don't remember having any crushes as a kid, so I don't know what prepubescent crushes are like firsthand, but I'm not going to hold someone as an adult to their third grade crush on a cartoon lion or Harry Potter or whatever.

    [–]lurkergirl 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    Because lesbians aren't 10% of the population like we were all told growing up, they're more like 0.1-0.3% of it.

    [–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I personally don’t understand how it can be THIS damning that it has bounced so many threads and created one to the point where liking cartoon characters AS CHILDREN resulted in accusations of zoophilia. Children don’t have full agency and understanding and it’s personally not the the hill I’d die on because if so where do we stop?

    Do we believe kids now when they say they are of the other sex? Do we begin the process since a childhood crush is now an indicator of this person’s adult sexual behavior?

    Are children who liked cartoon animals now zoophiles?

    Do we indulge them on every adult decision they want to make as an elementary school aged child?

    I’m not gonna police the brain of a woman’s childhood past. What I will critique is constant talk of adult males in a lesbian space. That talk is over. Let it die just like those women did to their “crushes” as CHILDREN.

    [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

    I said this in a thread before that there are women who literally admit to being attracted to men in this forum and in TrueLesbians and I was told I was wrong by a frequenter of this sub, as if I don't know what I saw. You are absolutely correct and anytime you point this out, be prepared to be gaslit like you already are by the people in this thread.

    EDIT: Not even 10 minutes of my posting this, I'm gaslit about "zoophiles" lmao. Never change, homophobes.

    [–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    this is the post she was referring to though: https://saidit.net/s/Lesbians/comments/6b5n/who_did_you_get_crushes_on_as_a_child/

    children don't have sexual crushes, they dont have libidos. So childhood "crushes" are not the same as a woman saying she is attracted to men. I know what you're talking about, but those are separate things.

    like pixels_and_glitches said, kids get "crushes" on animal cartoon characters. Would you say those kids are zoophiles?

    [–]RedditHatesLesbians 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I guess because I'm only 16 myself and have only been getting proper, serious crushes for 3 or so years I just couldn't relate. The pre-puberty crushes I had were all on girls and I still remember them very vividly because it wasn't that long ago. And I never had crushes on cartoon character, only on real people, so maybe it was just a misunderstanding on my part. Although I've definitely also seen people claiming go be actually attracted to men, moreso on the old subreddit. However that may have to do with the fact that on reddit we had a very close proximity with the queer gang.

    [–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I think I remember that comment you made on r/TrueLesbians. I was new at the time but kept what you said in mind and we really did have people unambiguously admitting to being attracted to or crushing on boys/men in the past. Some of them didn't even say it in a "I mistook my feelings and realized it later" way. Their comments and threads got upvotes and sometimes very little pushback. I think because the old sub was kind of faster and not everyone is glued to the screen a lot of the actual lesbians didn't catch it but we definitely had regular non-lesbian sub members and lurkers saying/upvoting that.

    It's frustrating that no matter what we do there are always people trying to make exceptions to squeeze themselves into lesbian spaces.

    [–]TarshishJupiter 15 insightful - 3 fun15 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

    Hey, I'm another idiot who doesn't like dick in the world with you.

    [–][deleted] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I do plenty of other stuff that proves I’m an idiot on a daily basis, wouldn’t consider my hating the D to be any where on that list. We have probably all had friends “suddenly realize” they like men, most of the time they weren’t really lesbians in the first place. Almost like they were on an extended stay vacation to lesbian land and when the good times were over they went back home to normal.

    [–]RedditHatesLesbians 14 insightful - 2 fun14 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    I concur that I am also an idiot who doesn't like dick.

    I personally have only ever known one out lesbian in my life and she changed sexuality as often as she changed her underwear. One moment lesbian, another bisexual, and now she's settled on straight. She's dated multiple girls and now acts like it didn't mean anything. While we are young, this made me feel so shit. Like I wouldn't be taken seriously if I came out because she set this precedent in my friendship group.

    Anyway, we're with you. "Queer" and filled with existential fear.

    [–][deleted] 14 insightful - 2 fun14 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    I know the reason given is that women's sexuality is more 'fluid' or 'contextual' than men's, but I really don't understand how you can go from being averse to having sex with a man to liking dick and abs because 'he has the right personality' or something.

    [–]FrostyNugs 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

    Yeah, it's definitely lonely. About 1.5% of women self identify as lesbian, and based on admittedly just anecdotal evidence from the internet and women I've known I'd estimate that mayyyyybe a generous 0.5% of women are genuinely homosexual. People don't want to acknowledge it because it's not politically correct, but the majority of women who self identify as lesbians end up with guys eventually. Most are just extremely misandrist bi or even hetero women.

    [–]lurkergirl 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

    I estimate it at maybe 40% of your low end. I'm so pessimistic about it.

    [–]FrostyNugs 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    Damn, and I thought I was pessimistic lol. I get it though. Sometimes it can really seem like you're the only one who's not into dudes to some degree, with other "lesbian" women always mentioning how the have exceptions for certain male celebrities, or their one true soulmate who against all odds happens to be a guy. 🤔

    [–]lurkergirl 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    It's just rare. I don't hear of anything like it. Gay men have it worse, with homicides and insecure men bullying them physically and still something like one in ten men I meet is gay (IN INDIA, patriarchy extraordinare) and they all have stories of all the straight married men they know who're in the closet. Meanwhile, the lesbians are the exact opposite, even with zero TRA nonsense. Most of them are literally in the closet about being straight, and all of them together are not a big number either.

    There's a lot more gay/bi men than is commonly understood, and far fewer gay/bi women. It's senseless, but it's really true.

    If a woman can construe herself as gay or bi in any way, she'll likely go for it. It's fucked.

    [–]beereadit 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Bi women calling themselves lesbians and ending up with men just keep the false and homophobic narrative that lesbians just need the right dick. It's absolutely frustrating and disgusting but worry not OP, you are not alone we true lesbians always existed and will always exist.

    [–]sootsprite 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    The most frustrating thing is that many of them refuse to stop calling themselves lesbians even as they're actually dating men, and they actively push that very narrative by claiming that their man is "special" and the "one exception"

    [–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 11 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

    I knew a woman like this in college, peripherally, I was so curious if she was still with the dude she decided to “experiment with” after multiple relationships with women. She is, and she’s still engaged. Sometimes I’m like, who are you and how did you even... you? Thankfully I don’t know her, never dated her, and no longer am friends with the friend who made me aware of her existence lol.

    [–]Jessica1993 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

    She's bi with a preference for women but like most in that category, they choose the safety and het privilege over being free to actually love who they love

    [–]spirette 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

    thing is, being with a man is not actually safe statistically. I will never understand how a woman could be with a woman and still choose a man. Does not compute.

    [–]carrotcake 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Being with a man isn't statistically safer but it feels safer because everyone around you will treat you normally. Just like cars aren't statistically safer than airplanes but people will more likely be afraid of flying because being in the sky it's such a foreign concept to them.

    [–]Jessica1993 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I mean safe in terms of society standards, if they act like they are straight they won't have to deal with homophobia and prejudice in their lives so they choose the easy way.

    [–]spirette 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I know :) I was just nitpicking.

    [–]votkriscan 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    Your friend is bisexual. There is no such thing as a lesbian magically turning straight, as well as a straight woman magically turning into a lesbian. I may sound like a broken record, the issue is again due to the gender/identity/trans matter and a new-age determination to be nonsensical. There is this current trendy thing, where there should be no such reality as orientation or biology (as it's limiting!) and we can/should be anything on this planet or everyone should be nothing on this planet. Plus trans ideology. If sleeping with a man = lesbian, and sleeping with a man = straight, then I guess all women are simultaneously straight, bisexual and lesbian at the same time!! Next issue, is some straight people using LGBT as a form of escape from some heterosexual hardships, where after they get to a point when they are over it, they will return back to their original heterosexual orientation.

    Because in the absence of all these, I will tell you, you will be able to have actual lesbian friends in real life. I don't live in utopia. These places aren't utopia, but there is a notable absence of the above, and gasp! people know the difference between lesbian, bisexual and straight. And also, sexual orientation vs being unhappy with a man (or not liking PIV). What this means is that, you will know from the get-go whether she is gay or not, due to her being clear about it, or due to you being able to spot it. So, you won't end up mistakenly being led to believe a friend is gay when she is not.

    [–]Seahorse 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Unfortunately there's a lot of bisexual women that appropriate the term lesbian.