Do you come out to acquaintances/friends or just let them assume you're straight unless there's a good reason to correct them?

submitted by RedditHatesLesbians from self.Lesbians

I'm starting college soon (UK college, starts at 16) and I'm wondering what my approach should be. I've never been out to more than 2-3 very close friends, or to acquaintances who I knew were also non-straight before I disclosed it. I'm afraid that if I was more open about it (my old school was in the countryside and kind of homophobic so I've blatantly lied saying I'm straight before out of safety concerns) it'll colour my interactions with people and be an unnecessary obstacle in making friends and getting used to the shift. Is it better to just be in the closet sometimes? School is ultimately about learning, after all. However I do feel abmoral obligation to come out as a lesbian when literally no one is doing so in my demo nowadays, because maybe I'll help normalise it? Idk. Thoughts?

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[–]VioletRemi 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I am coming out only when it is appropriate, something like if people I know well sharing dating experience - I will say something like "my girlfriend was this and that". So they realizing that I am into girls without direct say.

I am not sure what an idea of going everywhere and saying "hey, do you know that I am a lesbian?".

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]florasis 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Yeah, being known as "the lesbian" isn't exactly the best thing lol And that's pretty much the case, because for many people you will be the only real lesbian they ever met.

    [–]piylot 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I personally do the latter, and affected by my perception of how they're likely to react. Eg if they're also gay, or friends with many lgbt people I'm likely to avoid saying for a much shorter amount of time. Also worth remembering once you've told some people they may tell others. Also hard to comment when how socially acceptable being an openly gay teenager is changes so much regionally and over time.

    [–]yayblueberries 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

    I don't enjoy the whole "in the closet/coming out" thing in the first place. I don't think it is fair that I live in a society that claims to be trying to accept homosexuality and then expects it to be this big reveal. It really should not be a big deal to straight people that I am a lesbian. If it is, there's a problem. I only "reveal" it in the same way a straight person does, such as when talking about somebody attractive or when I have a partner.

    Also, you are under no moral obligation to reveal anything about yourself to normalize anything.

    [–]RedditHatesLesbians[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I've always thought this too! Also the moment you come out, people mentally categorise you as that lesbian because we're pretty rare. And I don't want to just be thought of as "the lesbian" by anyone. I'm a person, not an orientation.

    [–]LesbiSilly 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    This is very insightful. I think though that for me, being open about it's best. Because I'm not going to bring it up out of the blue. But being able to say, "I like women" in public is huge. Especially when people are talking about dating and stuff. I do the, "I'm out, but not everyone needs to know. Because I just want to be normal and if it comes up, I'm not going to hide it."

    And OP, I would just trust your instincts. It's OKAY to not be out. It is ALWAYS okay. I urge you to do what you feel safe doing.

    [–]sootsprite 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I totally agree with your first paragraph. If people claim to be a-ok with gays then they shouldn't make it a huge deal.

    [–]florasis 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    I always let people assume I'm straight. My relatives, aside from my parents, got not idea oh my sexual orientation. It's my business, and I'm introverted and reserved person.

    [–]Jessica1993 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    But are you straight passing or they are just ignorant ?

    [–]florasis 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Straight passing.

    [–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I’ve had friends kinda freak before so I’d rather if we’re gonna part ways to not go through emotional attachment. I’ve also had people I expected to react badly react amazingly well “oh, okay” or “oh thanks for telling me haha.” If you’re not neutral with me being a lesbian then we cannot be friends, shrug.

    [–]plotbunny 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I also do the 'assumed straight' thing. I'm not sure there's a good answer. Sometimes I wish I was more openly out, but I don't want to make that my only personality trait. The downside is it's really easy to just not tell people because most won't ask.

    A lot of my friends are bi so acceptance hasn't been a big issue. People do treat you differently, but I'm also a lot more relaxed around people who know so that may be why.

    [–]carrotcake 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    In college everyone knows I'm not straight because I have openly dated women and people have asked me. I don't really go about telling people unless it makes sense, but I prefer that people know. I'll not hide it either, so if I sense that the person is trying to guess my sexual orientation I'll probably talk about my gf or about my ex/women if I'm single. If I feel like telling a story about my gf I won't keep from doing it too. I pretty much try to act like any straight person would, except in places that I feel like it's dangerous to do so. I have the privilege to be in a pretty les/bi friendly university/work environment so I just prefer not to interact with people that don't accept me.

    With my family I tend to let them assume whatever. If they ask about relationships and I feel like it is better to lie I will.

    [–]WildwoodFlower 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I tell people on a need-to-know basis, or if the subject just happens to come up naturally. I am not someone who enjoys doing a big reveal. I hate being the center of attention. But if, say, a straight friend wants to set me up on a date with her male neighbor, then I'd tell her no, I don't date men.

    [–]les4les 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I don't tend to come out to people quickly at all. Definitely try to gauge what's safe and not with the people you're around, you don't know how trustworthy anybody will be with that kind of information and I'd hate to see you get hurt because you didn't realize someone wouldn't have your interests at heart.

    "Normalizing" lesbianism is a really noble goal and I appreciate that you're thinking about other lesbians who might be happy to see a role model or whatever, but I'd still be wary and choose what's best for yourself first. Your safety and comfort should come first.

    And IME it's much easier to come out casually to people who you're already familiar with if it does come up, than to make a deal of it. Good luck at college, we're rooting for you ❤︎