How long do you wait until you move on?

submitted by Philliy from self.Lesbians

So I've been trying online dating for the first time in almost ten years, so I'm very rusty at the unspoken rules of it. I came back into it with some expectations and rules for myself. Take my time, be patient and understanding, open up a bit more, and no ghosting. So far I've only had one chat go on more than a couple of days, and I must say I enjoy speaking to her. She's interesting. She's also very busy right now because she's a teacher, and well you guys know what's going on in the world, so I've been open to the fact that her life is going in ten different directions at the moment.

Last week I asked her if she'd like to meet up for a walk or video chat, and she preferred video due to everything being hectic. So this Thursday was the day, and I figured she might either forget or want to cancel. I wasn't going to bring it up because of her stressful week, but to my surprise she remembered and asked to postpone the chat. (A day was not picked) I figured I'd let her decide, when she has time and energy when she'd want to chat.

The thing is I feel like I'm overthinking things. It's been about two weeks since we started communicating, so I don't know if I should just wait her out until things calm down or move on. All the "advice" I've been reading says if two or more days go by without a response, then it's time to move on, and they aren't worth your time. But I feel like that's just throwing someone away. She's explained to me a couple of times (without prompt) that she's a bad texter, and I know she is very busy at the moment. So I just don't want to move on because someone is busy especially if she's been open to me about what's going on. I also feel like if she was no longer interested, she wouldn't explain herself to me.

I haven't even worked up the nerve to ask her to exchange numbers yet. Now I know this is just online dating, but I'm really trying here.

What would you ladies do? How long do you wait until you move on? And what are some tells that someone is no longer interested in talking to you?

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[–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I think all advice during this time goes out the window, frankly. People’s schedules, mental health, financial stability, responsibilities- it’s all fucked up and extra hard right now. Judge by the person and their actions but also prepare that it might not work out like you’ve been doing. There is no real normal in sight in the US at the moment at least, and that’s where my perspective comes from.

At the same time try not to leave yourself vulnerable or over attached where there’s very little investment on either side truly yet- which it sounds like you’re doing okay at. (Vulnerable in particular to catfishing). You could try and suss out a schedule, I’m surprised she chose a weekday honestly?

[–]Philliy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you! That makes so much sense. I sometimes forget that this year is completely differnt from any other year we lived.

[–]carrotcake 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I wouldn't give up on her but at the same time I'd be talking to other women. Try not to keep all your hopes on her. You can meet someone that's a better match/has the time for you right now. I just wouldn't stop talking to her if i thought she was interested because she seems to be a great match.

I talked to my gf one month before our first date and she couldn't make it twice. She would let me know why and she gave me reasonable explanations. She seemed to like me and she was quite frank about that. It wasn't good timing. I wasn't keeping my hopes up and talked to other women but the day we met we both knew we'd have something together.

[–]Philliy[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

It feels odd talking to other women while I'm talking the one I am right not, but I understand what you're saying.

Oh and I like your name!

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Don't fall into this trap. Part of online dating is "playing the field" and women should expect that you're seeing and talking to other women until you discuss committing to one another.

I once got super hung up on a woman I matched with on OKCupid and had a high compatibility score, even though she wasn't giving me the time of day. It was to the point I had trouble taking the women who were talking to me and meeting up with me seriously, because I was holding out hope something would happen with her. And after something like 3 months (I know...) she agreed to meet up with me after I asked in a hail mary. When we finally met up, she spent less time talking to me than I had spent driving out to meet her, and messaged me the next day saying she felt no spark and unceremoniously unmatched with me. I felt like an idiot and I was an idiot. Don't be like me and waste time on someone who is not interested while potentially missing out on women who are.

[–]carrotcake 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Yeah i get it. It makes sense that you feel weird, but that's kinda the way things are with internet dating. You haven't been in any dates nor have you stated that you're only talking to each other, so you shouldn't feel guilty. But if you feel really uncomfortable don't force yourself to talk to other women. Just try not to get your hopes up. Tell us later how it went :)

Oh and about my username, thank you!

[–]Philliy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks! I will!

[–]Philliy[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Welp I unmatched her. Almost a week went by with no response. I just assumed she was no longer interested, talking to someone else, super busy, or all three together. Thought it'd be best to not be hung up on my first macth.

[–]carrotcake 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Oh I'm sorry. I'm glad you were able to do it though. One week without response is no good sign. You'll find someone that cares about you, I'm sure. If you ever need to talk I'm here.

[–]Philliy[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like she wants a relationship if she’s that busy. And if she does then she’s not aware of how little she’s going to have to offer someone who is less busy and also wants a relationship. If she doesn’t have time now I don’t imagine that’s going to change during the year, I would just keep messaging other women and if she’s interested she will turn up. Don’t wait.